Jealousy

I get jealous when I read the blogs of others and their children who are the same age as mine (or even younger!) are speaking in full sentences.

And my child still screams for an hour when I can't understand that she wants milk based on her pointing and grunting.

Makes me want to kill someone.

No wonder jealousy is a deadly sin.

It's not me. . . It's you.

I have a serious pride problem. I'm aware of it, and I'm working on it. Just so you know. If one of the things you think when you read my blog is "MAN! this girl is really smug and sure things a lot of herself" Just be aware that I agree with you. I'm trying to be better.

And in accordance with this goal, I have decided to un-subscribe to certain blogs. See, there are certain blogs that I read only to get offended, or to judge people, or to feel superior, or to mock them in my mind. Usually they are the blogs of friends of friends, or blogs that Reader has recommended to me because we live in the same area and subscribe to the same blogs. So I don't even KNOW the people that I'm judging. I just look at what they write and fume to myself that these people have no idea what they are talking about. And they are cocky in their ignorance. Makes me want to find them and punch them in the throat.

But the thing is, I never comment on these blogs. I never let them know that I am reading them and I just fume silently. BUT I ALWAYS GO BACK! Why do I do this? Is my need for self-declared superiority so large that I need to feed it daily by calling other people "twats" in my mind? Apparently so. But no more. I'm cutting myself off cold turkey.

If any of you are reading this post and thinking "Is she talking about my blog?" the answer is no. If we have met, exchanged emails, or if you have even ONCE made a post on my blog, I am not talking about you. Like I said, these are people that I have never met in life, who I've never exchanged an email with, who don't even know I exist. So it shouldn't be that hard to cut them out, right? That's what I'm telling myself.

But now where will I get my daily dose of snootiness? If all goes well, it will be gone shortly. It's good for me. Pride never helped anyone.

Why haven't I done this sooner?

Scarred Witless

So I got a call from our second counselor in the Relief Society today. She asked if I could substitute teach in R.S. next week. I of course immediately agreed. Because relief society lessons in our ward are usually really bad (since the bishop's wife got released. She gave the best lessons) and the teachers have a hard time reigning in the horrible comments. Seriously, there was a comment about a serial rapist the other day. So beyond the scope of the lesson on the word of wisdom!!!

So I find myself rolling my eyes a lot and thinking I could do better.

Then she says, "so the lesson is #12. . . .The Atonement"

Gulp. Gasp. Choke. Vomit a little in mouth, quickly swallow it and say, "Ohh! Great!"

Someone is being served up a hefty HEFTY slice of humble pie. With ice cream. You know, "a la mode" style. And then a big portion of humble cobbler, also with ice cream. And humble brownies with mint frosting on top. I'm going to eat some serious humble calories next week.

Stupid, stupid girl.

P.S. I have birthday pictures and travel log to post. But as you might suspect, my mind is a little scattered as of 6 pm this afternoon. Stupid girl, indeed.

30 Before 30

I just found these two lists online. And seeing is how I am turning 30 this year, I thought they were insightful. Except for the alcohol parts. But anyway, here they are. (I found these lists at thefrisky.com in case you were wondering)

30 Skills Every Woman Should Have Before Turning 30:
1. Hard-boil an egg
2. Diplomatically tell Mom to butt out
3. Ace a job interview
4. Ask a man out
5. Send a thoughtful thank-you note
6. Listen to a friend in need
7. Ask for help
8. Effectively end an unhealthy relationship (romantic or platonic in nature)
9. Beautifully wrap a gift
10. Say “no” gracefully
11. Whip up a great dinner with the five items in her fridge
12. Forget pleasing him, by 30 a woman should be able to tell her man exactly how to please her
13. Sew a button
14. Mix a kick-ass cocktail
15. Take off her bra without removing her shirt
16. Apply lip gloss in the dark
17. Balance her checkbook
18. Create a budget
19. Find the best deal
20. Negotiate a salary and/or pay raise
21. Read a map
22. Hail a cab
23. Say something in French just for the hell of it
24. Apologize when she’s wrong
25. Dress for her body type
26. Change a flat (or know whom to call to come change it)
27. Spot a fake (handbag, diamond, potential friend …)
28. Feign interest
29. Know what to tip on a $25 dinner bill
30. Hold a baby (Hey, someone you know is bound to have one sooner or later.)


30 Things Every Woman Should Quit Doing By 30

1. Buying clothes from the junior section.
2. Forgetting her parents’ birthdays.
3. Making out with her BFFs at bars for attention.
4. Making out with her boyfriend at bars for attention.
5. Filling her bed with stuffed animals (really, even one is too many).
6. Carrying a torch for anyone she hasn’t seen in the last five years.
7. Rebelling against her parents for the sake of rebelling against her parents.
8. Declaring an entire gender “all jerks.”
9. Holding a grudge against anyone who wronged her in high school.
10. Skipping regular gyno exams.
11. Going to bed without washing and moisturizing her face.
12. Being “that person” who had a bit too much to drink at the office party.
13. Crushing on Justin Bieber.
14. Thinking she’s got it all figured out.
15. Calling her father “daddy.”
16. Engaging in sibling rivalry.
17. Trying to get by on her looks.
18. Living paycheck to paycheck.
19. Expecting a man/knight in shining armor to swoop in and save her.
20. Aimlessly jumping from job to job.
21. Using MySpace to pick up guys.
22. Expecting a man to do all the wooing.
23. Wishing she had someone else’s life.
24. Expecting everyone to drop everything because it’s her birthday ...
25. ... or because her “boyfriend” of two weeks dumped her.
26. Measuring her self-worth by a number on the scale.
27. Being cheap.
28. Quitting a job without having a new one lined up first (especially in this economy!).
29. Blaming her mother for all her issues.
30. Romanticizing her 20s.

So what do you think of the lists? What would you add? What would you take away? i.e. what do you think it's still ok to do after 30? Or what skill is stupid no matter what your age? For my part boiling an egg is almost useless to me because the smell of hard boiled eggs makes me want to gag.

And I know I have things I need to quit doing before I'm 30. Like watching too much Reality TV. And the going to bed without washing my face? I'm SOOOO that person.

So please give me your input. I'm dying to know! I have a little over 4 months to rid myself of it!

GO GO GO!!

Make checks payable to me

So when I get done working out, I hate how sweat drips down my head and down the back of my neck. It creeps me out. Neck issues, remember.

Side note: I have just come to realize I have another "body issue" part. That is the back of my upper arms. You know what I'm talking about. That sensitive skin on the back of your upper arms just close to your armpit. The part that wobbles when you wave? The "chicken wing" part? Ohh yeah, now you know. I DETEST anything touching me there. If a shirt hits me at just that spot I have to get rid of it. And the fastest way my child can drive me crazy is by coming up to me and trying to get me to stand up and follow her by touching that part of my body. There was a time when she would touch it about 20 times every day. I wasn't a very good mother because I had to walk myself away from her to get over the creepies when she would do that.

But back to my first neurosis: Things touching my neck. So the sweat drips down and it gives me the heebie jeebies. But I had a brilliant idea. Yesterday after my workout, I grabbed a long length of paper towel and then put it around my head "mammy" style. (Does the fact that I'm white and I described a head wrapping as "mammy style" make me a racist? I just wanted you all to have an accurate mental picture. But I swear I'm not a racist. You believe me, right?)

I put it under the back of my head and tied it up on top of my forehead at the hairline. It worked awesomely! It collected all the sweat, nothing dripped down my back and the heebie jeebies were gotten by none! Seriously, someone needs to start paying me for my ideas. Make checks payable to "Alicia, the genius".

Oh wait, now that I think about it I guess what I just described was a disposable headband. A headband made from cutting down trees. Instead of the poly-cotton things that athletes have been wearing for ages and made super popular in the 80's by a certain Senor MacEnroe.

























Hmmm. Maybe have to rethinking this genius idea. But you can still pay me if you would like. I would not turn down a few $ coming from anyone!

Putting it off

I have to do all the laundry today. It's going to be an all day event. I'm not looking forward to it.

I'm putting it off right now, and choosing to watch Special Agent Oso with my child instead. And then I'm going to walk to the Library because I have a book waiting for me. And that will put off doing the laundry even longer.

Seriously, loads and loads of laundry. I just want to curl up and go to sleep.

I guess it's not that bad, because I have stopped folding Marcelo's clothes. There is no point because he just leaves it in the basket until it's time to wash again and fill it with more clean clothes. I sort it, pre-wash, soak, wash and dry and then put it in your basket. The least you can do is put it away. When you start doing that, I'll start folding it again.

But seriously, I need to get going here. No more procrastination

What do you avoid doing at all costs?

P.S. I'm only 3 pounds away from a new pair of shoes!! Oh how I need them desperately

Zoning Out

When I was in Elementary School and High School, a classmate of mine was hearing impaired. She's been deaf since birth but she is an EXCELLENT lip reader. Actually, it was quite disconcerting to be talking to her and having her stare at your mouth the whole time. It made you very aware of what you were saying and how you were pronouncing things.

However, her parents paid a full time translator to accompany her to all her classes. The translator would sit up at the front of the classroom on a stool and sign everything the teacher was saying. And she was very distracting. Oh, after a while you got used to her, of course, but if you wanted to, you could lose whole class periods just starting at her hands moving like lighting.

And this is the first time I realize that I repetitive motions made me sleepy. I would stare mesmerized at her translator the whole class period and then realize that I hadn't taken a single note in class. Luckily this was Jr. High: the land of handouts to take home. So you really didn't have to stress too much about it. But then as the classes got more advanced, so did the signing.

I took an Anthropology class my sophomore year and I felt so horrifically sorry for the signer. I mean, most words have a sign and are quick to do. However, words that are spelled differently or are not used frequently don't have a sign for them and so have to be spelled out laboriously. The poor woman would have to spell Australopithecus and Homo Neanderthalensis over and over. And she was pregnant too!! She would heave herself up on her little stool and go non-stop for 50 minutes. Luckily she was a nice person and the teachers liked her and would ask if she needed them to slow down. But she never did.

But my point is that she was hypnotic. The next time I encountered this was when I worked at the MTC on the docks. Yes, the MTC has docks. It was the best job possible at the MTC because #1 I didn't have to wear a hairnet, #2 I didn't have to wear church clothes, #3 I got to corrupt. . .er. . .I mean CHAT with the groups of missionaries twice a week who would come in do service for us, and #4 I got to hang out in the bakery between truck deliveries.

The MTC bakery makes almost every baked good that is served there. The only exceptions are the bagels (delivered to me at 5:15 MW&F), bread (delivered to me at 5:20 am MW&F) and doughnuts. But the doughnuts were made by BYU (you know, the Sugar & Spice doughnuts) and just dropped off at the MTC so maybe I should half count those.


But the Bakery made everything else. The ladies there (there were 3 of them full time) made pumpkin pies, cornbread, jello, honeybutter, muffins, cakes, cobblers, etc.

They had those big industrial ovens that you could shove a 6 foot tall rack into and it would lock them into place and spin them around and cook things evenly. Also, they got to listen to the radio in there. (only 100.3, though, of course. The "BYU Approved" station that they also play at the Cougareat.

Anyway, the bakery was like the vortex of hypnosis. Especially Jello making. Because they would lay out the cups on the big trays, then fill them with the Jello. This process alone was awesome to watch. And then there was the Whipped Cream at the end!! Don't even get me started on the awesomeness of those WC applicators! I think while watching Honey Butter being made one day I zoned out and had a dream about lions. Awesome Jello-making lions.

It's the only good memory I had from working at the MTC. And thinking back on it now made me wonder why I ever quit. Oh yeah, I decided that $6.95 an hour might not be the best way to support myself AND my husband before he got his work permit in the country. Meh.

Uncomfortable

I am very awkward. I am clumsy and I drop things and I'm just all a whirl all the time. Add to the fact that I'm ridiculously self conscious, and you have a great recipe for the world's more uncomfortable person to be around.

Today's awkward confession: Hugging. I like hugging my family, but not really anyone else. Close friends, close family members sure. I'll tolerate it. But everyone else? I'd rather just stand a few feet away and wave at you. I came to realize this last month when I was doing visiting teaching. My companion would give our teachees a hello hug or a good-bye hug and I didn't offer a hug of my own at the end. I just stood there like a moron watching. I mean, I could've given each of them a hug of my own after my co-teacher was done, but really, I didn't want any part of that.

I don't like hugging in front of other people. Like at my wedding, after we cut the cake and did the obligatory feeding of each other, I gave Marcelo a high five. Yup, you read that right. I didn't kiss him, didn't hug him, didn't show any love or affection in any way. We high fived. That's the kind of girl I am.

People must think I'm horribly cold and distant. But the truth is that I just don't like hugging people. I get self conscious, I think about their hands: Where are they? What can they feel under my clothes. Should I suck in my gut or lean to the side so they don't feel my love handles? I want out of this hug NOW!

Then I think about my hands: where do I put them? On the waist? Over their shoulders? Or under their arms? Do we do that "over one shoulder and under the other" type hug? Do I pound on the back? or maybe a soft caressing rub (very consoling)? open hand on the back? closed fist that they might possibly feel and think that I'm about to slug them? CURSE MY USELESS HANDS!!

And then the hug breaks and where do I go? Do I say close to them after breaking away from the hug? But that could make them (and me) feel weird due to close proximity. I don't want someone that close, possibly able to see the boogers up my nose. Or do I take a step back and maybe make them think that I didn't enjoy the hug? Give them a little shove as I break away? Or is it NOW that I should do the little consoling arm rub/pat? So that means I need to say in close proximity, right? But not too close, naturally.

Oh my gosh, I hate hugging!! So if we are long lost friends and I haven't seen you in 5 years and we meet up again and I don't hug you? Please don't be offended. I just plain don't like hugging. But feel free to give me a high five!

TCOB

In on of my favorite episodes of Sunny (ok, let's be honest, they are all my favorite) Sweet Dee has a heart attack. Mac and Charlie decide to get jobs solely for the health benefits. When they arrive for a job interview, they only have one resume to share between the two of them. They say it's because they are "going green" and it's easier to just have the one because they are basically the same. And one of their lists of accomplishments is that for the past 10 years they have been managing every aspect of their own lives. "You know, TCOB. TAKING CARE OF BUSINESS".

I must agree with them, I also am TCOB today and mostly every day of my life. And right now I am taking care of some bloggin' business. Just, you know, random bits of my life. As if you cared.

My mouth felt really dirty about 5:30 pm in the afternoon the other day. Probably because i was taking a nap in the middle of the afternoon and you know about sleep breath. Anyway I got up and decided to do the whole mouth cleaning cycle. I flossed first, then brushed firmly but not vigorously, and then used mouthwash. It's my special "Crest Nighttime" mouthwash, guaranteed to "protect your mouth" for up to 8 hours.

See, I made the mistake of doing this about 30 minutes before dinnertime and was very alarmed to discover that all my food tasted really weird. I immediately knew it was the mouthwash, and so went and rinsed and even re brushed my mouth. But there was no getting rid of it. It was there for the next 8 hours. I will tell you this: CREST IS NOT LYING!! They will never be dragged into court for false advertising.

It made everything I ate for the rest of the night have a weird "chewing on a piece of tin foil" mixed with a "2 hours post-dentist, mouth just coming out of Novocaine deadening" taste to it. It seriously ruined my night. Because I'm really restricting my calories and I get really hungry for dinner. And then all my food was ruined? CURSE YOU CREST AND YOUR EFFECTIVE CAVITY PROTECTION!

Next item of business. I have been reading lots. And all good books (mostly) but listening to books as you are at the gym running is SUPER less effective when it comes to keeping you motivated. I know that they always say to listen to good music to keep you going, and there must be some truth to that. I always go to the gym's very dark "cardio cinema" room (Motto: Created with Fat Girls and Old Men Who Fart While Working Out in Mind) and watch a movie in near pitch black while I try to not fall off the treadmill. However, many of the movies are NOT good for gym time. Examples: 50 First Dates. That's Raven Symone movie about a road trip to see colleges, Pink Panther 2. Not great movies to keep you pumping.

Yesterday the movie was "Pearl Harbor". While Citizen Kane it is not, it does have a good amount of action and suspense in it. Especially if you've forgotten what happens in it because you saw it 2 months before your mission. (Remember that, Amy? Remember how I was at your house for like a week and we saw like a bazillion movies before you left for Brasil? Awesome) Anyway, great acting? No. Suspenseful with air jet fighting? ABSOLUTELY!! I ran constantly with my treadmill at a 1.0 incline (don't judge. I'm very large. Please congratulate me for running at all) for about 20 min and didn't even realize it.

And today was the last 40 min of "The Dark Knight" which is also super suspenseful. And kept me focused so I didn't notice my legs throbbing and how I was gasping for air. Really, it works!! the adrenaline pumping in your veins really keeps you focused. EXCEPT for one type of movie. The HORROR movie. They will show PG-13 horror movies (no slasher types) which are all played up by the suspenseful music and then having something jump out at you. Someone ALWAYS falls off a treadmill whenever that happens. One guy fell off a stationary bike the other day, but poor kid was like 4 feet from the screen, so I can't blame him. But why do they do this? I have a secret suspicion they are taping us and there will be a Youtube video up soon called "Hilarious morons at Gym!" I will be playing the part of moron #4.

Have you ever been that person falling off the treadmill at the gym? Please tell me your best treadmill biffing story. I love a good wipeout.

That's all my business for today. I'm going to try to blog more. I don't promise GREAT blogs. But I do promise more. Please let me know if you want me to go back to the "Quality not quantity" method. Oh wait, my blogs were never very quality. Nevermind.

Hoarders

Do you watch the show "Hoarders" on TV? That show really REALLY scares me. Mostly because it's my legacy.

See, my maternal Grandma was a hoarder. A serious kind. The only think that kept her from living with 8 foot walls of trash in her home was my mother. My mother would go over to her house a few times a week and every time she would leave she would pack up a few bags of trash and leave them on the back porch. She couldn't let my grandma actually SEE her take them out of the house, because she would freak out. So she would put them outside, and then say her goodbyes and leave and then sneak around to the back and pick them up. It was just necessary.

Of course, things were much worse before we moved to Eureka. Before that happened, we would go to my g-ma's during the summer house and just be there in the muck. She had a 4 bedroom house, but the biggest bedroom upstairs(the size of the master and another room put together) was closed and locked. Not only that, the upstairs hallway to get to the room was locked too. One day I found the key to unlock that room, and I showed it to my mom. She got all quiet and then really REALLY excitedly said, "seriously? Can I see it?" I handed it over and she ran right up the stairs. Bashed her way around the boxes and unlocked the door. Only to discover that the room was so full of boxes that the door couldn't even be opened. That's the way my grandma lived.

And that's my heritage. And so whenever I see homes like that I have to blame the other spouse for a little bit of the problem. A person will get away with as much as you let them. So as long as the non-hoarding spouse keeps their mouth shut or in some other way acquiesces, it will continue. Why not just grab a bag one day and fill it with as much crap you can find? Take it from the bottom of the stack I mean that stuff hasn't been seen for years, so there is no way the hoarder can say "But i was USING that!". Also, if the hoarder claims that there are "special keepsakes" you can say "well, they obviously aren't that special to you because you have piled trash on top of them". I'm basically saying there is no excuse that can't be proven to be a total justification for their actions.

Because I'm afraid of becoming a hoarder, I tend to like moving. It helps me keep my house clean. I always do a purger as I'm packing up my stuff. And I loveLOVElove to throw things out. Even clothes. Like if I get a new shirt, my rule to myself is that I have to get rid of an old one. If I buy 4 shirts, I have to get rid of 4 shirts. This usually isn't a problem because I always have clothes that I end up not wearing for quite a while. It just makes me keep myself in check. And keeps my closet from being over run. (but then I look and see how many more clothes Marcelo has than me and I get seethingly jealous. Maybe I should re-think this whole "get a shirt, lose a shirt" idea)

So don't be surprised if I come over to your house and start throwing things away. It's what I've trained myself to do. And I'm sorry if I throw away your prized afghan that was crocheted for you by your great grandmother. I don't care if it's your nakey blankey or not. Becuase seriously, it had to go. It had mysterious stains on it and smelled like 3 day old Ecua-Cheese. You'll thank me later.

H.O.U.S. and Other Assorted Details of my Life

You know in "The Princess Bride" where they talk about the ROUS's? The Rodents of Unusual Size? Well I'm that same way, but not with rodents. I'm that way with my head. It's a Head Of Unusual Size. I don't know if it's the size or the shape, but headbands that are supposed to fit everyone never work on me.

I actually think it is a combination of my hair being so thin and fine,and of my weird shaped head. For Christmas, Vidal Sasson left the following in my stocking:

They are called "stay put head wraps" but they do no such thing. They slip and slide around my head like they were made of vinyl. I try putting them just behind my ears and about an inch and a half from my hairline. They slide up the back of my neck, to the crown of my head and keep sliding back. The little rubber "grips" sewn in are mocking me the whole way back.

It's always been like this. When I would play sports in high school and before the invention of these headbands, the best option was "pre-wrap" (which was put on the skin before the athletic tape was put on there ensuring minimal hair rippage when removing) because it had a spongey yet tacky consistency. You could roll up a length of it and put in your hair and if you were normal, it would stay. Mine never did. I was always so jealous of those who could make it stay.

I guess I just have to accept that I have a weird shaped head. It have too many crags and bumps on it and whenever I move my eyes or neck my scalp also moves. So I need to give up the hope of ever being able to wear cute headbands. "JUST LET IT GO, ALICIA!!" You have a H.O.U.S.

Next item of business. My child is sick. Maybe from the gym play area. (we took her there for the first time ever on Saturday so we could work out together) or from the petrie dish that is Nursery. She's not horrifically sick. Just a runny nose and slight fever right now. But she keeps waking in the night. Like 4 times last night. OVER AND OVER AGAIN. Screaming (but not screaming my name. Remember, my child doesn't talk. Not even to call for me in the middle of the night)

And we, being the heartless wretches that we are, we let her cry it out most times. SHE DID NOT APPRECIATE THAT. As can be discerned from her slightly hoarse voice this morn. *Alicia is awarded mother of the year award. She accepts graciously* Yes, I let my child scream for upwards of 45 minutes. Please start a line of horrible comments after this post.

And the third totally unrelated topic: I am a non-fiction freak. The stinking non-fiction table at my library sucks me in every time I walk by. I go in to pick up a book I have on hold, and I walk out with 3 non-fiction books. What the WHAT? WHY DO YOU HAVE SUCH AWESOME COVERS AND INTERESTING TOPICS, YOU NON-FICTION TROLLOP!?!?

And I have found some of the greatest books there on the non-fiction table. I found this book there, and this one too. Both some of the greatest books I've read in a long while. So I can't say that I dislike the non-fiction table. I just like how everything looks so good!! Much like all the varieties at the Cheesecake Factory.

Hmmmm. Cheesecake.

And SCENE.

Odds and Tags

Things are going good here. Just the norm. But I have a few questions for y'all.

Item #1.
So I don't drink soda very often. Like almost never. I've stopped going to fast food places, so I don't even get it once in a while there. I'm not judging those of you who will DIE without your caffeine fix everyday. I'm just saying, I didn't grow up with it, so it's not that big of a deal to me.

However, whenever I do "treat" myself to soda, I always grapple with myself with whether to get full sugar soda or diet. I mean, if I don't have it that often, I don't think a full sugar will hurt. But then again, I don't need the extra 130 calories. But then again, those diet ones are full of chemicals and fake sugar that gives cancer to rats. Then again, diet Sprite is hard to find at most restaurants, and I don't really like brown sodas.

See, it's quite a dilemma. Please let me know what you think about them.

Item #2.
This is for my LDS friends. I mean everyone else can read it, but it will only make sense to certain people. So my LDS friends, have you bought a new pair of chones lately? Have you noticed that they have changed the tags on them? They used to have those soft tags that after repeated wearing and washing would become threadbare and the writing would all wash off. So they "got smart" and decided to make the tags more durable. But they are now HORRIBLE irritating. They dig into your side and itch you continually.

I have started to wear my chones inside out. Well, the silky ones, anyway. The chemise top you really can't tell as much. But the silky's? Horrible. Do you think I would get in trouble if anyone knew about it?

Please don't tell on me.

Item #3
For the past few days, Evi has been trying to mimic the sound that I make when I kiss her. The "kissing" noise. You know what it is. She copies it by putting her tounge between her two sets of teeth and pulling it back with a sucking smack. Try it right now. I'll wait for you. . . .

It sounds lots like kissing noises, right? She's so smart to figure that out. (Say that line with the "parent adoration" voice. Otherwise it sounds lame) Anyway,Evi learned a new trick today. She learned how to blow kisses while making that kiss imitation sound. Gawl, it's cute!! I need to get it on camera and quick!!

I don't really have a question in regards to that one. Other than, do you want to see a video of her doing this? Well, you'll be getting one no matter what.

Item #4
If your child is OBSESSED with climbing up on the counter I have a little something to say to you. I FEEL FOR YOU!! Evi will do anything to get up on that counter. She uses my rocking chair climbing up the back, then gets onto the window seat, then onto the table. Or if that option isn't available, she'll climb up on the 3 foot high stools. (She sometimes gets stuck, and I laugh at her) But as soon as she's up there, then she can go across the counter, then across the stove and get to the spice cupboard that she really wants.

Well, spices are fun!! And it's very VERY fun to dump salt and pepper all over everything before your mom notices you are doing it. Try to get a good crunchy coating on everything before you get caught.

As for you moms, if you notice that this is going on, make sure you clean up the pepper VERY WELL. Maybe you think that you've done it well, but if you have a traditional electric stove (as opposed to a flat top stove) you need to be sure to check down in the "stove wells" for ground pepper remnants.

IF YOU DON'T AND YOU START TO COOK ON THAT STOVE TOP, YOU WILL BURN DRIED PEPPER. AND YOU WILL FILL YOUR HOUSE WITH HORRIBLE PEPPER SMOKE.

Have you ever been pepper sprayed? Me either. But now I know what it's like. It makes you choke, it makes your baby choke, and it makes your husband choke, take your baby outside, and then look at you with a glance that says: "Are you a mental patient for burning ground pepper in the house?" Which you kinda are.

So my question is, What is the worst thing you have ever burnt in your house? (Not counting your actual HOUSE burning down) Do tell. I want to feel like someone else is in the same burning boat as me.

Have a good day!! Evi sends you some air kisses!

Boy? Girl? Will there be a quiz on this later?

Confession: You know that movie Panic Room? The one with Jodie Foster? It came out on my mission, so the first time I caught it was after my mission. So when I saw it the first time I think it was on TV and I think I missed like the first 5 minutes of it.

I HATE MISSING THE FIRST 5 MIN OF MOVIES!!! And the first 5 minutes of this one were pretty important. You found out about the woman and her . . . child.

I say child because as soon as the movie started and her "child" showed up, I didn't know if it was a boy or a girl!! She never said the child's name and since I had missed the first few minutes, I didn't hear her talk about him/her when they weren't there. And of course to the kid's face, she only said "dear". I couldn't concentrate on the movie because I kept trying to find out if it was a boy or a girl.

And this continued for well into half the movie. I distinctly remember that there was a "suspenseful" moment when her child is trapped and needs medicine for the asthma attack it's having. And I remember not at all worried about the child. I was not in suspense about the life of the child. I was only in suspense about the sex of the kid. I JUST WANTED TO HEAR IF IT WAS A BOY OR A GIRL!!! And Jodie Foster says. "My CHILD IS DYING!!" What is the matter with her? Why can't she say "My son is dying" or "My daughter is dying". What the crap is the matter with that mom?

Anyway, I hardly watched the movie, or cared what happened. I think Jodie Foster won? Maybe? And eventually I found out that it's a girl. And not just any girl. The Twilight girl. The girl that you can't pass a grocery checkout newsstand without seeing. Yeah, I'm an idiot.

But seriously, look at these pictures.














She could totally be a little boy! The androgynous haircut, the black baggy shirt with graffiti on it. Do you blame me for being confused? I blame all the parents that let their boys grow their hair long. It's their fault no one can tell a boy from a girl anymore.

Has this ever happened to you? Have you ever been confused about the gender of a person? Did it lead to an embarrassing story? Please share!

Book Review:The Secret Life of Bees

The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd


My rating: 3 of 5 stars
SPOILER ALERT! Thank heavens no one died! I hate stories about the south/civil rights/race relations because you KNOW there will be injustice and most likely an innocent black man/boy/girl/child will die. And I really can't handle any more of those stories.

Luckily this didn't have that. It didn't really have much of anything else, either. I mean, for the fact that it was on the best-seller's list and then got made into a movie, I thought it was going to be outstanding. I give it a one-shouldered shrug.

However, reading this I've discovered that I'm destined to live in the south. Reasons? #1)I love cornbread. I know this is a huge stereotype. But I do love it. #2) I love things made with and cooked in fat/lard. And that's where all the flavor is. Am I right or am I right, Lynn? And #3) I like saying "Sir" and "ma'am". I'm not consistent, but I do like saying it. And I want my daughter to say it.

Anyway, the book was a snooze, but the cornbread I'm currently eating is delicious!!

Lists

So here are some things that I have been pondering lately. I made some lists for you:

Top 5 actresses I like and who I *hope* do NOT turn out to be like Lindsay Lohan. i.e. I hope they don't go down in a flaming ball of booze and failing to wear panties to social events
1. Dakota Fanning- Brilliant little girl and she knows it. Watch the SNL sketches about her. Priceless.
2. Scarlett Johansson- I like her better as a brunette. And she has pretty big boobs so you know she's always going to wear the right underwear!
3. Tina Fey- I mean, we know she'll never be trash, but still, I hope she makes 30 Rock forever. That show makes me howl!
4. Zooey Deschanel. Have you seen her? Do you know who I'm talking about? She's so freaking adorable! I think she's going to be awesome in that new 500 Days movie. We just all need to make sure she's got a full supply of chones so she doesn't get caught "Lohaning"
5.Beyonce:Mostly a singer, but kind of an actress. And it doesn't matter, because it's my list, and I love her. I can't help it. She's just so classy. PLUS, I caught my mom watching one of her videos last fall. And then my mom would always say, "Oh, I'm going to one of those single's dances. With all my single ladies (all my single ladies)" My mom would actually repeat it twice like the song!! Anyone that can make my mom make reference to a pop song is awesome. Let's mail her some chones. Those bodysuits she's been wearing lately could ride up and show a "Half-Lohan"

5 Actresses That Can Eat It. (i.e. ones I wouldn't care if they never made a movie again and if I never heard about them ever again. Oh, and who I would be happy to hear had a "Lohan" happen to them at the Oscars/Golden Globes):
1. Sienna Miller- I call her "The Poor Man's Nicole Kidman". Name 1 movie she's been in. . . other than the G.I. Joe movie that is coming out and has been WAAAY too publicized. Cant' do it, can you? Seriously, every time I see her in an interview I want to gag. BLEECH. I bet she pulls a "Lohan" in the next month.
2.Kate Holmes- Also for her, can you name one movie she's been in? Why is she on the news? I don't care what she wears! She's not MYYY fashion icon. She can suck it.UGH, I'm so sick of her. We need to go steel all her chones so she is forced to "Lohan"
3. Britney Spears:Again, she's *mostly* a singer, but I am done hearing about her. And she HAS pulled a "Lohan" several times!! Once you go Lohan, you never go back to being classy. Because any time you are Googled from then on, there is a pic of your whoo-haa that pops up. Blech.
4. Madonna. Even though Evita is one of my favorite movies of all time, her arms scare me. And she's just too preachy these days. But really, it's mostly her arms that scare me. She should keeps those things wrapped up at all times! No one needs to see that!
5. Lindsay Lohan. I feel like I need to put her on this list because I've made a verb out of her. Wouldn't we all do great with a lot less "Lohaning" going on in Hollywood these days? I know I sure would!! And I hope she never makes another movie again, even if she DOES wear chones through most of it.

Moving on.

The 5 favorite Shows Currently on my Tivo:
1. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. I can't describe this show to you. It's about these friends that own a bar, but they are horrible people, vain and stupid and yet so funny. Buying gas to sell at a profit, "Girls Night Out", the horrible way they treat The Waitress, etc!! It's one of the few shows Marcelo and I watch together. My brother just asked me last month if I watch it. And I had to tell him I've seen ALLLL the episodes thanks to Tivo. "I LOVE YOU TIVO!!"
2. Toddlers and Tiaras. I know I have already talked about this show on a previous post. But the second season just started on TLC and you will NOT BE DISAPPOINTED!!! Put it on your Tivo, set your VHS, etc. This season they have already had several "stage dads". WHY DO YOU MAKE ME LAUGH SO HARD I PEE MY PANTS, TLC? WHHYYYYY?
3. 30 Rock. I know I've already talked about Tina Fey today. But seriously, why is she so funny? I was watching some old episodes I have saved on Tivo, and that woman is brilliant. Thank you, Lorne, for first putting her as a cast member and then letting her have her own show. Thank you thank you Thank you!!
4. Jamie At Home. Jamie Oliver (AKA the Naked Chef) is a genius. Makes real food "not mucked around with" (in his words). Everything has a splash of olive oil, and everything has chilies in it. I don't get his chili obsession, but everything else looks good. He has this outdoor wood burning oven that makes me want one so badly!! And he has the easiest bread recipe I've ever seen! Makes me hungry just thinking about it.
5. Wipeout. The American version of "MXC" (Most Extreme Elimination Challenge) from Japan. When Marcelo laughs REALLY hard, like the crying laughing, he sounds like a woman. His voice gets so high. I LOVE HEARING HIM LAUGH LIKE THAT! And this show makes him do it every time. Now our child is trained and she recognizes the show. When she sees it start, she gives a condescening chuckle and looks to us for support to help her laugh with the show too. That's my girl!

Well, that's my list for now. Thanks for reading it. Or skimming it. Whatever you do, make sure you wear your chones, ladies. Except you, Lindsey Lohan. I don't give a crap if you wear yours or not. You're never coming back, girl.

Swim At Your Own Risk

This morning while trying to distract my child from lifting my shirt and trying to get in her morning feeding (That's right!! Down to just the night time feeding people!! It's almost over!!!) I caught about 3 minutes of NBC's Today. It was enough to enrage me and start me shouting into the other room at Marcelo. I wasn't shouting AT Marcelo, it was something I was discussing loudly about what I saw on TV and he happened to get to hear it. It was about lifeguards.

Apparently, in NY there have been several lifeguards caught with earphones on, or seen texting or even one was asleep in his chair. I think this is crazy, and irresponsible of them. Especially because they are lifeguards on the beach, where tides pull people out very quickly. I think beach lifeguards are amazing and I think that if I got pulled out to sea, I would want to make sure my lifeguard wasn't listening to Eminem instead of watching me.

However, this is not what enraged me. The report went on to talk about how there have been several deaths so far at water parks in different states. And then they said that a Texas boy, 5 years old, had drowned and they were going to talk to his parents.

The blood started to boil. I knew where this was going.

Parents: "He was out of my sight for only 5 minutes. Just 5 minutes and then he drown RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE LIFEGUARD CHAIR (You should know that the chair was empty at the time. It wasn't an "Eminem" situation. Just FYI)"

Red flames licking at my eyes. I must rage. I must vent. Here I go. . .

Item #1: You only have to be 15 years old to be a lifeguard. How many 15 year olds would you trust with your kids? Would you go up to some random 15 year old kid coming out of Hot Topic with his spikey purple hair and say, "Hey, I want to go lay out on a towel today in the sun. Can you please watch my 5 year old kid swim for a few hours? He really doesn't know how to swim all the way, but I'm sure he'll be fine. Oh, 100 other parents have also asked you to do the same? Well, that's ok, I'm sure nothing will happen to any of those kids. Just make sure you watch mine extra close. I'll just be over on that towel reading a Danielle Steele novel, making sure I get in 'me time'. So if my kid starts to drown, you'll let me know, right? Thank you, random 15 year old boy. I'm sure I can trust you because I just saw you for the first time 5 minutes ago"

But this is what you do every day!! You trust that some 15 year old kid was NOT just smoking pot out in his car during his break and that he'll be able to see your kid drown out of the other 150 kids in the sun baked and highly blinding water. That's crazy!

Item #2: When lifeguards practice and train, I would say that 80% of our "continual education" is used to practice deep spinal injuries. You know the kind where someone jumps off the diving board and smacks their head and sinks to the bottom. We practice those things over and over again. We spend all our time learning how to stabilize your neck so as to not make sure you aren't paralyzed as we pull you from the water. However, 99.99999% of the "saves" we do are pulling your 2 or 3 year old kid out when he starts to drown. Lifeguards are not there to save your 3 year old when he's in the 5 foot lap lane. We are there to make sure you are safe and that when you smash your head on the diving board and sink to the bottom of the diving tank (12 feet of water or more) you aren't paralyzed as we yank you to the surface.

Item #3: Having your 7 year old watch your 3 year old DOES NOT COUNT. How many times did I pull a kid out of the water only to ask "where is your mom?" and he say "I don't know" and then 2 min later his 7 year old brother rushes up to him and say, "Oh, That's my brother. I'm watching him." Really? You were watching him? Then why was he drowning when I jumped in after him? And by the way, where is your mother? If you point to ANYWHERE else than right next to you in the pool, I'm going to be pissed. And I'm going over there to talk to her. And I will probably embarrass her in front of her friends.

Item #4: Or even better!! I pull your 2 year old out of the water because he is drowning, and he starts crying. He can't tell me where mom is, and I take him inside to the lifeguard station. 15 minutes pass: no mom. 30 minutes pass: no mom. After 45 minutes, some mom comes in *frantic* because her kid is missing. I ask for a description of her child and guess what!! He's right there. I tell her that he needs to be accompanied all the time at the pool. She glares at me and smacks her kid as they walk from the station. RIGHT!! LIKE IT'S THE KID'S FAULT YOU ARE A CRAPPY MOM!!!

The pool is not "Mom takes a vacation while one kid watches the other" time. Here's the rule:8 and under have to be with someone 15 or older. Do you think your kid is a great swimmer? GREAT!! Most pools let your young child "challenge" the rule and get a special pass to swim alone! There's a way around all of it!! But I just want you to watch your kids. Am I making that clear yet?

Item #5:
I want to open my own pool. My #1 rule will be: NO PEEING IN THE POOL. But #2 Rule will be: NO LIFE JACKETS, WATER WINGS, "MUSCLE MAN" SUITS OR ANY OTHER FLOTATION DEVICE ALLOWED TO BE STRAPPED TO YOUR CHILD AT ANY TIME!!

Life jackets are NOT safe. I personally pulled a 2 year old girl out of 3 inches of water. She was wearing one of those suits and her father turned his back and started chatting to his friend. We were by the "0 level entry" part of the pool, and she tripped on something and fell into 3 inches of water. Face down, couldn't put her arms in front of her or roll over to the side because of the stupid "muscle man" suit she was wearing. Luckily I was 7 feet away from her. Her father was only 2 feet away. He didn't notice.

She would've drown.
In 3 inches of water.
Wearing a muscleman suit.
Standing 2 feet from her father.

Which brings me to my next point:

Item #6: GET YOUR KIDS SOME LESSONS!!! Kids as young as 1 year old can learn how to flip, float on their backs and kick to the side. That's all your kid needs to save it's life. Kids 2 and up should be able to propel themselves in the water going forward. Can your kid do that? Yeah? Then they are on their way to that "independent swimmer" test at age 5!! Do they scream when they hit the water and cling to you like a wet t-shirt on a Spring Break hussie? Maybe you shouldn't take your hand off them for one second at any time in the pool! When do I start getting paid for these comments/ideas?

And Finally,
Item#7: Your child can drown in 30 seconds. That's 30 sec to be completely under and unconscious. It only takes FIVE seconds to start to panic and swallow enough water to do damage. I'm not kidding you. Have you ever stopped looking at your kid for 5 seconds? ME TOO!! But around water? Are you kidding me? People need to wake up and take some responsibility.

Hey, couple from Texas who lost their 5 year old? I'm really sorry. I'm really sorry you are idiots. I'm really sorry you didn't teach your child to swim, and then you let him swim alone, and then you relied on a 15 year old who was watching hundreds of people to make sure he was safe. I'm sorry your son is dead. Maybe if you did the job you were supposed to, your son wouldn't be gone.

I have NO SYMPATHY for people like that. KEEP YOUR HANDS ON YOUR KIDS IN THE POOL. And get some swim lessons.

This has been my rant for the day.

Good day!

I SAID GOOD DAY!

SOMEONE PICK UP THE PHONE!

I have a huge pet peeve about the phone. It's not talking on the phone. I don't mind that. I rarely get calls so I don't have the nerve to whine about how I HATE to talk to people. Seriously, no one calls me.

But I ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS pick up the phone. You can bet that when you call me, I will pick up the phone 86% to 98% of the time. If I miss it cause I didn't hear it or if couldn't reach it in time, I always call right back. Like while people are leaving me a message. If I don't pick up your call during normal waking hours, (i.e 6:00 am to 11:30 pm) you can bet I'm doing one of the following:

1)Sleeping
2)In the Shower
3)Avoiding you

But I don't avoid anyone! And during any other activity I will pick up the phone. This includes during dinner and while I'm on the toilet. Yup, that's right. Did you ever suspect you heard the toilet flush when you were talking to me? Chances are that wasn't your imagination. Or did I ever put you on hold for only like 4 seconds? Yes again. That was me muting, flushing and then walking out of the bathroom quickly. I ALWAYS answer the phone.

(Warning!! Gratuitous caps lock to follow!)

WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE? WHY DOESN'T ANYONE ELSE ANSWER THEIR PHONES? WHY, WHEN I'M TRYING TO CALL PEOPLE TO TELL THEM SOME NEWS, DO THEY AVOID MY CALLS, THUS MAKING ME PISSED OFF AND NOW NOT WANTING TO SHARE MY NEWS WITH THEM ANYMORE?!?!

DON'T BOTHER CALLING ME BACK IN 45 MIN! THE NEWS IS DEAD, I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU ANYMORE!

And I can't reach anyone right now. No one. None of my siblings (I tried ALLL FIVE OF THEM), not my mother or my aunt or my cousin (who is the real person I need to talk to ). I'm so frustrated I want to scream.

ANSWER THE PHONE, PEOPLE!! And on a similar note: ANSWER YOUR TEXTS!!

Please don't make me do this again!

Finally taking its toll

I'm finally there: I'm really horribly lonely and missing Marcelo. I didn't think it would happen because we've almost made it all the way through. He gets home in like 5 days! But until then, I don't know what to do with myself.

To add to that little depressing fact is this truth: Evi is crazy. She just screams all the time for no reason. She follows me round the house screaming. I can't make her happy. I can't give her anything to make her happy. She throws herself on the ground and smacks her head, and then starts screaming again from the pain. I pick her up and she arches her back and pries herself out of my arms. So I set her on the ground where she, you guessed it, starts screaming again. Hours upon hours of screaming I don't know how much more I can take.

Add to that the fact that I'm trying (kinda trying) to lose weight before Ecuador. As the time gets closer, I'm not so much excited as scared out of my mind. There are so many unpredictable factors once we get there, and I'm trying to plan ahead to make myself feel less stressed out, but it's not working because nothing can be planned. Marcelo won't talk to his mother, so I have no idea what she's planning for us. And if she plans something and I plan something, she'll be horribly offended. It's very stressful. I don't know how to deal with all the worry. And my kid is screaming.

It's mostly the screaming kid that's killing me. But what can I do? Nothing. So I'm going now.

Thanks for listening to me.

Not Satisfied With My Purchase

I just bought some new soap for my bathroom. I usually like the foaming soap because it's cool. (Yes, I'm kind of like a 4 year old in that way) but this soap was SO MUCH CHEAPER I just couldn't pass it up. I bought two bottles: One for my bathroom and one for my mom's bathroom.

I was sucked in by the word SPA in the name. Ohhh!! Spa-like! Maybe it will cure my horrible cracked and bleeding cuticles that I got from scouring my old AND new house for 4 days! I'm sure it will smell like tranquility.

It does not. It smells like a hamster cage.

First off, don't doubt my sense of smell. I can determine if someone has been working in the anatomy cadaver labs 4-5 hours after they were last in the labs. I can determine which woman in the room is wearing Lovespell lotion (I call it barf-smell lotion) and if that person is a friend I do NOT feel badly asking them never to wear it again. (Several of my readers will attest to that). I can smell a banana peel in a ziplock back buried under 3 feed of trash. Seriously, I rule when it comes to smelling.

Secondly, I am ACCUTELY aware of what a hamster cage smells like. In my APL class in Elementary School (WHAT'S THAT?? YOU READ THAT RIGHT!! I JUST DROPPED AN APL REFERNCE ON YOU SUCKAS!! WHAT WHAT!?!?) anyway, in my class we had a class gerbil which died and then we replaced with a hamster who died who we then replaced with a guinea pig. Which we ate.

KIDDING!! Sort of. I ate a ginea pig in Ecuador. It was greasy.

Anway, I was right next to the cage and I promise you that this soap smells JUST LIKE IT. It's a stale-urine-soaked-wood-chips-needing-to-be-changed-but-that's-not-my-job-so-don't-look-at-me-to-change-it smell. That's exactly what it is. Urine soaked cedar chips, to be exact.

If you don't believe me you are welcome to come over to my house and smell the soap. Or give me your address and I will mail you a sample. I'm not making this stuff up.

So back to how that guinea pig tasted. . .

Is it just me?

When you move into a new house, do you change all the toilet seats?

I don't know about you, but I have learned that almost always, used toilets come with a yellow or brown tinge to them that no amount of scrubbing will get rid of. I don't even try to clean them now. $5, 10 min and a trip to Home Depot makes my life so much better.

And it gives me a chance to clean in the two holes where the seat screwed in. I use gloves, a rag and the strongest chemical possible. The discussion I have with myself:

"Hmm, this one says to use in a well ventilated area. But this one says to use gloves, eyewear AND a mask. . Can I mix them? Oh screw it! I'm going to use oven cleaner and clean till I pass out from the fumes". And then I throw the rags away.

I'm only this compulsive when it comes to toilets. You know me. I don't do toilets, even when it's just me and my husband peeing in them. Forget about other people's pee. It's not happening.

Guess what? I'm sleeping in a new house tonight! And I just went to the bathroom on a new toilet seat! Man, life is good right now.

(To answer your questions, I move 1/2 block away from where I was before. Still in the same ward, but in a newer, smaller, but ultimately better place. Come visit me once the carpet gets put in!)