Swim At Your Own Risk

This morning while trying to distract my child from lifting my shirt and trying to get in her morning feeding (That's right!! Down to just the night time feeding people!! It's almost over!!!) I caught about 3 minutes of NBC's Today. It was enough to enrage me and start me shouting into the other room at Marcelo. I wasn't shouting AT Marcelo, it was something I was discussing loudly about what I saw on TV and he happened to get to hear it. It was about lifeguards.

Apparently, in NY there have been several lifeguards caught with earphones on, or seen texting or even one was asleep in his chair. I think this is crazy, and irresponsible of them. Especially because they are lifeguards on the beach, where tides pull people out very quickly. I think beach lifeguards are amazing and I think that if I got pulled out to sea, I would want to make sure my lifeguard wasn't listening to Eminem instead of watching me.

However, this is not what enraged me. The report went on to talk about how there have been several deaths so far at water parks in different states. And then they said that a Texas boy, 5 years old, had drowned and they were going to talk to his parents.

The blood started to boil. I knew where this was going.

Parents: "He was out of my sight for only 5 minutes. Just 5 minutes and then he drown RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE LIFEGUARD CHAIR (You should know that the chair was empty at the time. It wasn't an "Eminem" situation. Just FYI)"

Red flames licking at my eyes. I must rage. I must vent. Here I go. . .

Item #1: You only have to be 15 years old to be a lifeguard. How many 15 year olds would you trust with your kids? Would you go up to some random 15 year old kid coming out of Hot Topic with his spikey purple hair and say, "Hey, I want to go lay out on a towel today in the sun. Can you please watch my 5 year old kid swim for a few hours? He really doesn't know how to swim all the way, but I'm sure he'll be fine. Oh, 100 other parents have also asked you to do the same? Well, that's ok, I'm sure nothing will happen to any of those kids. Just make sure you watch mine extra close. I'll just be over on that towel reading a Danielle Steele novel, making sure I get in 'me time'. So if my kid starts to drown, you'll let me know, right? Thank you, random 15 year old boy. I'm sure I can trust you because I just saw you for the first time 5 minutes ago"

But this is what you do every day!! You trust that some 15 year old kid was NOT just smoking pot out in his car during his break and that he'll be able to see your kid drown out of the other 150 kids in the sun baked and highly blinding water. That's crazy!

Item #2: When lifeguards practice and train, I would say that 80% of our "continual education" is used to practice deep spinal injuries. You know the kind where someone jumps off the diving board and smacks their head and sinks to the bottom. We practice those things over and over again. We spend all our time learning how to stabilize your neck so as to not make sure you aren't paralyzed as we pull you from the water. However, 99.99999% of the "saves" we do are pulling your 2 or 3 year old kid out when he starts to drown. Lifeguards are not there to save your 3 year old when he's in the 5 foot lap lane. We are there to make sure you are safe and that when you smash your head on the diving board and sink to the bottom of the diving tank (12 feet of water or more) you aren't paralyzed as we yank you to the surface.

Item #3: Having your 7 year old watch your 3 year old DOES NOT COUNT. How many times did I pull a kid out of the water only to ask "where is your mom?" and he say "I don't know" and then 2 min later his 7 year old brother rushes up to him and say, "Oh, That's my brother. I'm watching him." Really? You were watching him? Then why was he drowning when I jumped in after him? And by the way, where is your mother? If you point to ANYWHERE else than right next to you in the pool, I'm going to be pissed. And I'm going over there to talk to her. And I will probably embarrass her in front of her friends.

Item #4: Or even better!! I pull your 2 year old out of the water because he is drowning, and he starts crying. He can't tell me where mom is, and I take him inside to the lifeguard station. 15 minutes pass: no mom. 30 minutes pass: no mom. After 45 minutes, some mom comes in *frantic* because her kid is missing. I ask for a description of her child and guess what!! He's right there. I tell her that he needs to be accompanied all the time at the pool. She glares at me and smacks her kid as they walk from the station. RIGHT!! LIKE IT'S THE KID'S FAULT YOU ARE A CRAPPY MOM!!!

The pool is not "Mom takes a vacation while one kid watches the other" time. Here's the rule:8 and under have to be with someone 15 or older. Do you think your kid is a great swimmer? GREAT!! Most pools let your young child "challenge" the rule and get a special pass to swim alone! There's a way around all of it!! But I just want you to watch your kids. Am I making that clear yet?

Item #5:
I want to open my own pool. My #1 rule will be: NO PEEING IN THE POOL. But #2 Rule will be: NO LIFE JACKETS, WATER WINGS, "MUSCLE MAN" SUITS OR ANY OTHER FLOTATION DEVICE ALLOWED TO BE STRAPPED TO YOUR CHILD AT ANY TIME!!

Life jackets are NOT safe. I personally pulled a 2 year old girl out of 3 inches of water. She was wearing one of those suits and her father turned his back and started chatting to his friend. We were by the "0 level entry" part of the pool, and she tripped on something and fell into 3 inches of water. Face down, couldn't put her arms in front of her or roll over to the side because of the stupid "muscle man" suit she was wearing. Luckily I was 7 feet away from her. Her father was only 2 feet away. He didn't notice.

She would've drown.
In 3 inches of water.
Wearing a muscleman suit.
Standing 2 feet from her father.

Which brings me to my next point:

Item #6: GET YOUR KIDS SOME LESSONS!!! Kids as young as 1 year old can learn how to flip, float on their backs and kick to the side. That's all your kid needs to save it's life. Kids 2 and up should be able to propel themselves in the water going forward. Can your kid do that? Yeah? Then they are on their way to that "independent swimmer" test at age 5!! Do they scream when they hit the water and cling to you like a wet t-shirt on a Spring Break hussie? Maybe you shouldn't take your hand off them for one second at any time in the pool! When do I start getting paid for these comments/ideas?

And Finally,
Item#7: Your child can drown in 30 seconds. That's 30 sec to be completely under and unconscious. It only takes FIVE seconds to start to panic and swallow enough water to do damage. I'm not kidding you. Have you ever stopped looking at your kid for 5 seconds? ME TOO!! But around water? Are you kidding me? People need to wake up and take some responsibility.

Hey, couple from Texas who lost their 5 year old? I'm really sorry. I'm really sorry you are idiots. I'm really sorry you didn't teach your child to swim, and then you let him swim alone, and then you relied on a 15 year old who was watching hundreds of people to make sure he was safe. I'm sorry your son is dead. Maybe if you did the job you were supposed to, your son wouldn't be gone.

I have NO SYMPATHY for people like that. KEEP YOUR HANDS ON YOUR KIDS IN THE POOL. And get some swim lessons.

This has been my rant for the day.

Good day!

I SAID GOOD DAY!