Sure your child is great, but can they. . .

I know all of you think you have the greatest child in the world. You think they are the smartest or the most clever. You think they are the cutest and that when they learn to sing songs they hear they are going to be the next Beethoven.

I mean, we all have bragging rights. My kid walked at 8 months. Your child probably could put together whole sentences with complex prepositional phrases at 13 months. (oh, on a side note my child now says "si" every once in a while. Actually, it's not really "si". She says "gee" or "dee". But it's something!!! The funny thing is that she can TOTALLY make the "sssss" sound. We ask her " what does a snake say" and she does a little lispy "sth sth sth" sound. Adorable. But she won't put it with the "eeee" sound. Strange. Back to topic) And some of you boast a child that taught themselves how to play the piano or read at age 2.

I say this is all well and fine. But I trump you ALL. Case closed, pack it in, this show is over.

My child can fart on command.

She does it to make me laugh. Whenever we hear her fart we say "gasiosa"! and she knows what it is. And so she makes herself fart just to hear us say gasiosa and laugh. She usually does it in the bath or just getting out of the bath. And one of these days she's going to strain herself too hard and poop in my arms. I just know it.

But until then I'm not going to stop her. Because seriously? A child that can fart on demand before her 2nd birthday? This kid has "going places" written all over her. Just you wait.

A Real Conversation With My Dear Husband

Time: Saturday March 30th at 11:00 am
Place: Apartment of the Loor family.
Subject: Toilets and Mysterious Yellow Spots

Me: Hey, Marcelo. There is a yellow spot on the outside of the toilet near the back side. I think it's pee. Can you please clean it? (evoking our long standing agreement that I don't do toilets and in return I do all other housework)
Marcelo: It's not mine
Me:Uh. . . . What?
Marcelo: It's not mine!! I don't pee outside the toilet.
Me: It's all the way in the back!! And it's in the space between the toilet and the sink vanity stand. For me to have done that, I would have had to climb up on the counter top, with one leg there and other on the toilet seat. And press my body against the wall. Do you think I did that?
Marcelo:. . . .(Silence)
Me: Let's just be logical here, which one of us has an extendable flex hose from which they pee? And which one sits down every time to do it? Which one of us has the physical equipment to make this happen, and which one has never peed standing up? Again, let's be logical about this. Which one of us most likely did this?
Marcelo:. . . .I just know it wasn't me

Baffling, my friends. Absolutely baffling.

He's so lucky he is cute and he makes cute babies with me.

And I guess I should be lucky that he cleans the toilet for me. And it's mysterious "yellow spots" on the lateral posterior fascia.

Is it just me?

When you move into a new house, do you change all the toilet seats?

I don't know about you, but I have learned that almost always, used toilets come with a yellow or brown tinge to them that no amount of scrubbing will get rid of. I don't even try to clean them now. $5, 10 min and a trip to Home Depot makes my life so much better.

And it gives me a chance to clean in the two holes where the seat screwed in. I use gloves, a rag and the strongest chemical possible. The discussion I have with myself:

"Hmm, this one says to use in a well ventilated area. But this one says to use gloves, eyewear AND a mask. . Can I mix them? Oh screw it! I'm going to use oven cleaner and clean till I pass out from the fumes". And then I throw the rags away.

I'm only this compulsive when it comes to toilets. You know me. I don't do toilets, even when it's just me and my husband peeing in them. Forget about other people's pee. It's not happening.

Guess what? I'm sleeping in a new house tonight! And I just went to the bathroom on a new toilet seat! Man, life is good right now.

(To answer your questions, I move 1/2 block away from where I was before. Still in the same ward, but in a newer, smaller, but ultimately better place. Come visit me once the carpet gets put in!)

Dude, that Mountain Dew is Jacked UP!!!

It has been the craziest 36 hours. Sunday night Mom made a spaghetti dinner and it was pretty good. However about 9 pm that night I started to feel funny. I just felt "woozy" all night and I didn't know what was going on. I figured it out at about 3 am. I was sick.

Here are the reasons I think I was sick with the flu:
1. I had a fever
2. I had cold sweats
3. I was vomiting

Here are the reasons I think it might've just been some food poisoning:
1. I was vomiting, VIOLENTLY
2. I had diarrhea
3. It's gone now

So now you have a picture of what my night looked like. My poor husband. First listening to me vomit and then having to smell me as I crawled back into bed with him. (Some of you will say, "why not poor you?" Well, I'm getting there. ) So I got vomit on my daughter's head. She heard me and woke up and I tried to pull her out of her crib but I was too weak to get her up all the way, but not too weak to smear vomit on the back of her head. So poor EVERYONE!!

Anyway I wasn't feeling too well. The morning was bad. I was shaky, weak, continually nauseated. I could barely stand up to go pee. So I DEFINITELY didn't feel good enough going to church and I asked Marcelo to stay home with me. I know, it was selfish of me. But because he stayed home, he watched the baby for me while I got some much needed sleep. (Thanks Angel Loaf!!)

Even with the naps, the whole morning and most of the afternoon I had a SPLITTING headache. The vomiting had stopped by then so I decided to go get a caffeinated soda to drink. I chose to get a Mountain Dew because I've been told that Mountain Dew has the highest level of caffeine of all the caffeinated beverages. And I needed the caffeine for the headache.

I know. How many sins can I commit on Sunday? Let's count them up, shall we?
1. Not going to church
2. Asking ANOTHER person to also miss church
3. Buying a soda
4. The soda is a MOUNTAIN DEW!!

So I'm walking home from the Taco Bell (where I purchase my SIN SODA) and I'm taking small sips of the drink. And it's horrible. It has a nasty aftertaste that tastes like a lemon Halls cough drop. Very medicinal. No joke. I'm thinking to myself "Who likes this drink? This tastes like ass. Ass soda. I hate this stuff. No wonder I never drink it" I had already decided then that I would give the rest of my soda to MaxKyle, because he loves soda and I know it had probably been a couple hours since he had had some, so he would be jonesing for it big time.

So when I get home, I had probably finished 1/3rd of it. I talked about how horrible the soda was and then offered it to MaxKyle. He JUMPED at it. I got him another straw, and he started drinking. And then he stopped. "There is something wrong with that Mountain Dew". Ha!!! I knew I wasn't crazy! Marcelo also confirmed the same thing MK said: There was a horrible aftertaste to my drink. MaxKyle said that someone at the Taco Bell was playing some joke on me. Whatever the case, It confirmed to me one thing: If you buy a Sin Soda on Sunday, as a punishment your Mountain Dew will taste like Halls medicine.

Moving on. As we prepared for bed, we had to do a little bedtime shuffle. Jules and her friend Kristen (who is only in town until tomorrow) are sleeping on the twin bed in the second bedroom. That means my mom is on the couch. This becomes a problem when Marcelo needs to wake up early and do some drafting homework. But he just kicks her to my bed, so she still can sleep.

But that wasn't the worst part of it. See, Marcelo and I silently decided last night that we should start making Evi try to sleep more at night again. She's back in the habit of waking up at 2, 4 and 6 and then finally getting up at 8:30. And she's playing at those times. We were being kind to her for a while because she was sick. But we are done with that. Because last night she was up at 10:30, 11:30, 2:30, 3:30 6:00 and then at 8:30 for good. I know, I know. She must be stopped.

So last night we silently made a pact to just let her cry. The first time she woke up wasn't so bad: I got a burp out of her and she went back down again. But the 11:30 time? Oh man!!! She screamed for more then an hour.

My mom later told me that she heard her from the other room and she felt awful!! She said she thought that maybe through my sickness I couldn't hear her or I couldn't get up and get her. And she was worried that my baby was going to be permanently scarred from being left to scream. (And my baby WAS screaming. Freaking screaming for her life! She was PISSED that she was being left alone. Turns out my baby is a little crap-head) So in the middle of the night my mom got out the computer and started to look up the book "Solve Your Child's Sleep problems" so she could see what it said about crying it out.

She only did this for herself. She didn't tell me she did this until the next morning. But she said she was really worried that we were just letting our child scream until she hear Marcelo's voice in there comforting the baby. So she at least knew that we were soothing and being attentive to the baby's needs and not just letting her suffer unknowingly.

And the final straw? At 3:30 am the smoke alarm RIGHT over our bed started going off. Was there any smoke around? NOOOOO!!! Why then is this horrible beeping machine going off right above my head? Nearly in my ear?UGGH!!! The perfect end to the perfect day. Here's to a million more just like it!

Oh, just so you know, the Sin Soda totally worked. My headache started letting up after I drank it. So I guess there was SOME good that came from it.

One Week Old!

Today is Evi's one week Birthday. You may ask me if the time has gone by fast. Yes and no. It's kind of like the mission where you feel like you've been doing this forever, even though you only have 2 weeks in the MTC. And then at the same time you feel like you have no idea what you are doing because, let's face it!! You only have 2 weeks in the mission!!

I'm afraid I'm letting my baby sleep too long. I feel like I should be keeping her awake and talking to her and teaching her proper verb congregations in Spanish. She consistently sleeps in 3-5 hour blocks. Then she'll be awake for some food, maybe a poop, and then right off to sleep again for 3-5 hours. Is this normal? Should I be worried? Is my baby depressed and that's why she only wants to sleep all day? All you mothers out there, please calm me down on this point.

Speaking of poop, Evita had her first BLOWOUT today. It's my fault, I put her diaper on too quickly and I don't ensure it's completely on straight. The other factor was that I was propping her up by her bum, so it really had nowhere to go except out the side. And did it ever!! See?
















Again, can you mothers out there tell me how to get out mustard colored poop from my daughter's sleeper? I'm afraid it's ruined. But she was happy after she got it out. I hear you girl!! Those are called ZILLS Evi. And due to the fact that you are 1/2 Bingham, be prepared to get to know that feeling very well.

And finally, here are those hair pictures I promised.















So on the left is her hairy back. It's more like hairy shoulders. It's so freaking dark! Oh my gosh!! What if my baby grows up to be one of those women that has a mustache? A DARK LATINA MUSTACHE!! I'll love her anyway, and I'll be sure to teach her all about laser hair removal.

The picture on the right is the best I could do to get a picture of her hairy ears. You'll have to come over to my house to really get the full effect. The hair will SPIKE UP on her ears and make them look elf-like. It's really becoming quite endearing to me. As is she!!

Ok, I need to go now and buy some things at Target. I ran out of pads last night. I won't tell you what I've been doing all day today to "make due". Embarrassing.

Did I mention that I love my life?

Not Dead (Yet)

Amy said I should update my blog and tell you all that I'm not dead. Well, I'm not. Even though I wish I were.

So Saturday night Marcelo had a REALLY late futbol game. We are talking 11:30 pm!! That's when it started! And he went! That's how dedicated my man is to his sport. Anyway, when he came home he wasn't ready to go go bed but I was. So I asked him to come in and check on me at some time during the night, you know to make sure I hadn't choked and died in my own vomit.

Well, I fell asleep and the next thing I know, I see him standing over me!! Nearly scared the baby right out of me!! He said that the blanket was over my face and he wanted to make sure I was still breathing. I guess I can't get mad because I asked him to do it, but he didn't have to HOOVER over me and scare me! It was funny, anyway.

Oh and to answer Mindy's question, I sleep on my side. I think I would be dead already if I tried to sleep on my back. But I'll roll around a lot, so who knows if I stay on my side the whole time. I try to put a pillow between my legs to support my back and (because it's a long pillow) I can get it under my belly too. Anyway, It's very very hard to sleep, especially with all the choking and vomiting.

Oh, and at the risk of TMI, I have a new symptom: diarrhea. For the past 48 hours, I've had diarrhea everytime I go to the bathroom. *Some* people say that this is because my body is preparing to have a baby. But I think it's just telling me that it hates me. Anyway, I'm not doing too well these days. I just sit and update my blog and try not to poop my pants. And if you are wondering if I'm having cramping with the diarrhea, the answer is no. It's just a "flojo" stomach so that's why I don't think it's indicative of a baby coming anytime soon.

Anyway, let's move away from my bodily functions, ok? So Last night, as I'm trying to go back to sleep between the trips to the bathroom and the choking, I realized that I'm only sleeping for a few hours every night. And then at 5 am Marcelo walks in and wakes me up. I asked him what he was doing, and he said he was going to the gym. He then told me that he was just watching me sleep this morning for about 10 minutes and that it was really scary for him. He actually said, " You HAVE to have the baby this week. You are really scaring me. Just tell your doctor that you want to have the baby"

Well!! I guess that's it! If Marcelo tells me I have to tell my doctor to have this baby tomorrow, Well that should get everything going, right? If only my doctor could hear me sleep, then I'm sure he would do it tomorrow. Let's all pray that he takes some misericordia on me and gets this thing going ASAP. I'm actually feeling very calm about this. I still wish I could wait and go into labor on my own, but I don't think that's an option now. Oh well, we'll see what happens.

In the meantime, I'm going to have a ROCKIN' Memorial Day. When my family came to town last summer, we had a BBQ at my house and I made these AMAZING ribs. They cooked for hours, and finished up with being BBQ'd on the grill. They were like melt off the bone awesome. And I've decided to make them again. I'm really looking forward to it. Let's hope that will dry me up in the "bowel" area.

I'll let you know if my doctor is kind to me tomorrow. I may have a baby ASAP. We'll see.

Happy Memorial Day, Everyone!!!

I'm not ready for this!!

This is a really long post. Don't read unless you have time to dedicate to my crazy ramblings.

So I almost had a baby today. Yeah, I know, I'm freaking out a lot too. Let me tell you the whole story. Well, first, let me finish up my blog from yesterday. I know, it's really boring considering you are all wondering about that whole "I almost gave birth today" comment. But I want to finish it up. So here it is:

I only have cravings for $1 double cheeseburgers and fries from McDonald's. You can get a LARGE fries and a cheeseburger for $3.00. And there are LOTS of fries. And they'll make you happy. I went there TWICE Monday, and I was loving every minute of it.

Tuesday I had a huge craving for a large icy Orange Julius. I suggested my idea to Jamie and she 100% backed me up. She looked online and found out that there is one in the food court of the University Mall. And she even offered to go GET me one!! I couldn't do that to her. I'm making her do all the work at the office.

I'm sort of kidding about making her do all the work. I try to get her to do as much as possible so she has all the experience she can get before I leave in 3 days. THREE DAYS!!! Angels singing. Heavens opening shining their blessed light on me. I'm literally leaping for joy in anticipation of Friday afternoon at 5 pm.

What more can I say? It sill be surreal to wake up Monday morning and come to the realization that I don't have to see Jean's face ever again. I can't help but think that it will be all over in just a few short hours. I'm absolutely ready for the zills that will come after I leave. Pure and simple Zills.

And what, might you ask, are zills? Well the dictionary defines it thus: " n. One of a pair of round metal cymbals attached to the fingers and struck together for rhythm and percussion in belly dancing. Turkish, cymbals."

Well, in my family this word has a much different meaning. It all goes back to the game BALDERDASH. You know that game right? You take cryptic words from the English language and try to make definitions that will fake out the other people. If you fake them out, you get to move forward some spaces. My sister's husband's family plays this game a little differently. Instead of making up a "real" definition that tries to trick the other teams, you get points if you make up a ridiculous and hilarious definition that most entertains everyone.

So when the word ZILLS came up, Julie wrote down this definition: Zills: The good feeling you get after taking a really large and satisfying dump.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Everyone knows that feeling!! I'm glad it finally has a name. Well, in my family it has a name, anyway. Some people (like me) LIVE for that feeling after they've been backed up for a while. And the next time you come from the bathroom, I guarantee that you'll say to yourself "AHHH!! ZILLS" because you will be so happy there is a way to describe how you are feeling.

Also, I would like to admit that I'm eating weird things. Well, weird things for me, anyway. Like Jello with floating fruit. YES!! ME!!! JELLO with FLOATING FRUIT!!! I know, shocking. Also, I can't eat eggs and toast in the morning anymore. The bread is too much, it causes acid almost within 30 minutes of eating it. And then my day is ruined.

Well, that's basically all I wanted to say. I think that I might've added more stuff, (maybe some of it would've been funny. But probably not) But I wanted to talk about the baby stuff.

So, today was my checkup. I am 38 weeks and 4 days. I was lucky enough to get an appointment for 12 noon. I haven't had my "oil checked" since before I went to AZ on the 23rd of April, so I assumed they would do that. But that activity is quick, so I knew I would be back before my lunch break was over, and I would finish out my last 2.5 days of work with no worries. Well, that's not what Heavenly Father had in store for me.

I got to the appointment and the young girl takes my blood pressure. Now you have to know that I know how to take blood pressures. It's like the one cool thing you learn in Physiology. (which I took twice) So when this girl takes it, I'm pretty sure she's doing it incorrectly. I hate it when she does it, but I don't really have a say in the matter. Well, when she takes it today, it's like 139/91. (normal is 120/80)

I think she's full of crap. But what can I say? Granted, I do know what my other BP's have been, and I know that my BP has slowly been rising with every visit. So I sit and wait for the doctor. And I wait, and I wait. I'm getting nervous becuase I need to go home and let Raya out of her cage and I need to get something to eat!! I sit and read magazines until like 12:38 until the doctor finally comes in. Apparantly someone over at the hospital was about to give birth, and they couldn't find the doctor. So my Dr had to rush over in case he had to deliver. Luckily he didn't have to deliver because the other doctor was found

Well, the doctor measures me, listens to baby, and then I thought that he was going to make me drop my drawers so he could check my oil. No, he tells me that he wants me to rest on my left side and see if we can get my BP to go down. My what? Uhhh, ok.

But now I was worried, It was getting close to time that I needed to be back at work. Was Jean going to get mad (I'm sure she was going to be). Was I going to have to forget about Raya? Poor little girl, I couldn't do that to her! So I'm sitting there and freaking out and then the girl comes in to take my BP again. THE SAME FREAKING YOUNG GIRL!! I was like "ohhh great, this is going to be super menos efficaz"

Well, sure enough, it hasn't come down at all. So the doctor comes in and says, "I want you to go over to the Labor and Delivery department here at the hospital next door. I'm going to have them monitor your BP for a little bit." I, not knowing what this meant, was like "Right now?" Like I was thinking I could go after work or something. Dummy.

So I alert Jamie to the fact that I'm going to be a few minutes later than I thought. She lets me know that Jean has gone to a listing appointment, and that I should take my time. She's so nice!! She even tells me that I should take time to go home and let Raya out. So that makes me feel much more calm. So I head over to the other side. I walk there. Why not? It's not like I have some sort of dangerous medical condition going on, right?

Well, I get into the L&D area and after doing the pee thing, and finding out that I won't have to get naked, I get strapped into a couple of monitors. Apparantly they are also doing a non-stress test on my baby as well. She takes some blood and asks me some questions. All the while, the automatic BP machine is taking my vitals.

Well, it's not good. So I guess that young girl isn't an idiot after all. Apparantly I DO have a dangerous medical condition. Oh! As a side note, she does some "reflex" work and she notices that my feet are swollen. I told her that's not even the worst it can get. I see that she's typed on the computer, "Severe pitting edema 3+." She later told me that that means that it takes more than 3 seconds for the flesh to bounce back after she pushes it in. She knows that it can get BIGGER than that, but 3+ is the worst kind of edema they document. AND I'VE GOT IT!! WHOO HOOO

So I'm sitting there worrying about Raya, getting back to work, people getting mad at me and finally what will happen if my BP doesn't go down. The nurse tells me that if it doesn't go down, they will induce me. They'll start with a little "vagi-cream" that will soften my cervix and hopefully open it up. (By the way, no one knows how OPEN I am. My oil STILL hasn't been checked!")

TODAY!?!?! I MIGHT HAVE A BABY TODAY? I don't even have a car seat. My crib isn't set up. I don't have any newborn diapers. I still need to go buy a box of wipes at Costco. I'm going out of my freaking mind. I don't have a camera, I don't have a bag ready with a change of clothes. I haven't trimmed my hair "down there." I don't have anything ready. I need some sort of record of what's going on (other than this blog, that is) to show people in the future. I don't have anything to record these "precious moments" of pure insanity.

So if those other things weren't enough to freak me out, the idea that I might have a baby today, DEFINITELY did the job. My poor BP just kept going up higher and higher. I'm on the phone with my brother, trying to get him to go over and let Raya go pee. I'm telling Marcelo we might have a baby today, but I don't want him to quit work too early in case there is nothing really going to happen. Jamie realizes that I'm probably not coming back today, so she has a few questions for me to try to get things under control there. The phone kept ringing or sending me text messages, and it was almost too much.

I'm telling you the BP was off the charts. The Dr came in and took my phone away because he was smart enough to realize that all my communication was making me nervous and raising it up higher. He wanted to see at least 1 hour of "regular" BP before he would let me go. It was hard to get that!! I would get a couple of good readings, and then it would spike again. And I would have to start all over again.

Well, finally, after 4 hours of sitting there and finally getting my BP down, they told me I could go home. BUUUUUT, I would be put on STRICT bed rest. This means no cleaning, no grocery shopping, no laundry, no WORK and the worst: NO DRIVING! I was given authorization to go pee and to bathe myself. But after that I needed to be laying down resting. I'm going to be so bored the next few days. I mean, with Marcelo at work, how will I get the Oreo shake I'm so desperately craving at all hours?

I was very happy to learn that I would not have to go back to work. It just seems more fitting that I get out on MY terms. It seems that Heavenly Father knows what I need, and he was giving me this one last gift. So I'm officially free. I'M FREEEEEEEEE. SEE YA LATER SUMMIT!! Try to forget I ever existed.

So when they let me go, I was STARVING. I hadn't eaten anything since this morning at 8 am, and I wanted to die. Marcelo didn't want to make anything, but I don't think he wanted to buy food either. So I told him, "hey, I HAVE to eat. I HAVE TO EAT NOW. Either you go get us something, or I'm breaking doctors orders to go get myself some food." He finally got the food, after I suggested the food he really wanted. (Macaroni Grill)

Moving on: I think I might have the baby on Friday. I mean, I'm like nearly ready. And there is no reason to keep me on bed rest, the baby is fully formed. So when I go in to have another BP and non stress test on Friday, they might just say "screw it, let's get this thing going" and I would be totally ok with that. I wasn't ready today. It really was freaking me out. But with it coming on Friday, I have a few days of preparation to do. I'm going in first thing in the morning on Friday. We'll see how it goes. I'll keep you up to date.

Finally, guess what they gave me today as I left? Well, they want me to do a 24 hour urine collection. They gave me a little bowl shown here, and a little OJ juice container shown here. (Notice that Raya wouldn't get out of the frame. She's got to be in there, all the time.) Well, I get to pee in the bowl every day and pour it INTO the OJ bottle and then KEEP IT IN THE FRIDGE!!! I think I'm going to have to throw away my fridge after this. Thank heavens we are moving. I'll be sure to leave out the fact that I kept my urine in the fridge to the new tenants.

I guess they are testing for toxemia or something else. I'll let you know how the OJ collection and non stress test goes. I could be a mother in 36 hours or less!! HOLY CRAP!!

The TwoDaLoo

WARNING!!! THIS BLOG HAS LOTS OF POOP REFERENCES. IF POOP OR POOP TALK BOTHERS YOU, DO NOT READ ON. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

My sister Julie sent me this link to what I believe is the most disturbing and hilarious thing I've ever seen. It's called the TwoDaLoo. The whole title is stated as such:

TwoDaLoo - A Supertoilet That Saves Rocky Marriages and The Planet

HOLY CRAP!!!! LITERALLY!!! This crapper can save the earth AND stop my husband from being an asshole? This REALLY must be something. I scroll down thinking that maybe they will have a video showing how the toilet can sense when my husband needs a beat down, and a nice rubber mallet comes out and whacks him on the head when he deserves it.

But alas, I am hoping for too much. This is what I see:

Sweet Jumpin' Turds!!! What is THAT? Is that so you can have an AUDIENCE when you do a deuce? I don't know about you, but I think it's gross when I smell my own stink. I would not want to force someone else to be there. No matter how much of a "moment" we were having by being on the pot together. And no matter how much we would save the environment by staring into each other's eyes while we squeeze out fudge dragons together, I would not like one of these in my house. Did I mention there's another picture?

Why the wooden figures? Do they think that we can't "get" it and figure out how it's supposed to work? Like this is the first toilet we've ever experienced? Maybe most people haven't seen a toilet QUITE like this, but I assure you, if you put this equipment in front of 10 average Americans, 11 out of those 10 will know what to do with it. But thanks for the wooden visuals, anyway. And I really appreciate that they are kind of hunched over in "push stance" so we are absolutely 100% sure what this strange "toilet thing" is supposed to be used for.

But then the words. OH THE WORDS!!! This is a direct cut and paste of the product description:

The TwoDaLoo is billed as the world's first toilet two people can use ... at the exact same time. It brings couples closer together and conserves our water supply all with one flush. The TwoDaLoo features two side-by-side toilet seats with a modest privacy wall in between. An upgraded version includes a seven inch LCD television and iPod docking station.

I am sooo disturbed by this on so many levels. Why would taking a crap in front of Marcelo bring us closer together? Like when he sees the strain in my eyes as I back out a grumpy that's particularly nobby, THAT'S when he'll feel especially close to me? As my eyes water from the pain, he will KNOW what I'm going through and love me so much more? I guarantee that he won't. He would probably tell me to eat more fiber if he really saw that. I don't even think that he'll feel that way as he sees the strain in my eyes when I'm having his BABY! So poop is out of the question.

Secondly, the term "modest privacy wall" is misleading. Does that look like a "modest wall" to you? I can lean over and see my husband's junk! There is NO modesty at all when one person can see the junk of their spouse. Can you imagine if you were sitting on the pot and your husband was standing going #1 and you looked up and all you saw was his butt cheeks? While I am lucky to have a husband with REALLY nice cheeks, that doesn't mean I want them 6 inches from my face.

Lastly, it says that an upgraded version has a TV and an iPod docking station. WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO SPEND MORE TIME THAN NECESSARY IN A STINKY POOP SMELL FILLED ROOM? Like let's say you decide to go take care of business. Do you really want Deathcab For Cutie blaring all around you while you defile that lovely porcelain pot? Like just the RIGHT music will make that poo flow ever so nicely?

And you know, as long as you are there, maybe pop in a copy of "Legends of the Fall" so you can enjoy Brad Pitt's face as you lament that second enchilada you had last night. Is that really something that sounds good to you? If so, I don't want to be your friend anymore. And you are nasty. You make me NASTY. But I can let you know where you can pick up a nice Chinese double toilet for only $1,400. Happy TwoDaLoo-ing!!

(This is the link where you can see the original web page right here. I don't know if the webpage will be there forever, so that's why I was sure to put in my favorite pictures and bits here on my page. I hope you enjoyed it)

Residual effects from the Temple

Do you notice how there are never any toilet seat protectors in the bathrooms of the temple? Apparently, not only can the Holy Ghost purify your heart, but it does a pretty good job on toilet seats too. I mean, the H.G. has to be more powerful than lye, what with all the old lady butts sitting on them. Just an observation.

For another great toilet story, click here. (This website is usually pretty PG-13, but this post is VERY much rated G.)

Happy Toliet times!!

What to post, What to post . . .

I'm in a posting rut. I don't know what to post. I think that I've exhausted the subject of my family, my pregnancy, hiding my pregnancy from my family, job, my horrible boss, my horrible co-workers and hiding my pregnancy from my my horrible job, boss and co-workers. And my dog. You have all heard plenty about my dog

Also, I start to feel that I'm whining about things. I do not want to be a whiner. I want to be refreshingly funny, whimsical and poignant. That's hard to do when you have no interesting topics to discuss.

What should I do? Should I tell you about what happened when I went to the bathroom in a hospital last night? Well, there was a drain in the floor in the middle of the room and every time I flushed the toilet (Yes, this was a MULTIPLE flush visit) I could see water swirl around the drain. That made me nervous. Was the water coming directly from my toilet and passing through the drain in the middle of the room before it went down to the place toilet water goes, but we don't talk about? I looked for particles in the swishing water, but I never saw any. It didn't do anything to calm my toilet fears.

Why would water be swishing around that drain for any reason? I mean, shouldn't that drain be an "exit only" situation? Why should I be seeing water coming up at all? Isn't it just there in case the toilet or sink floods? It's very upsetting when you flush the toilet and see water moving around your feet. I don't suggest you try it.

I don't think my blog readers would appreciate toilet talk. So I DEFINITELY won't be blogging about that. So should I blog again about how my feet look like little pork sausages? Should I maybe take a picture of my foot and post it here and show everyone how I no longer have any muscle or tendon definition in my foot? Should I talk about how when I wear my shoes my flesh balloons over the top of my foot before it is pushed into the front?

Should I point out that you should be sure to look at the nice little fat crinkle/crease at my ankle? And i'll for sure remind you to notice how the water retention causes BOTH sides of my ankle to be puffy, creased, and all together revolting.

I don't think that you want to be reminded again about how my ankles jiggle when I walk, how I can't bend my foot certain ways because the flesh backs up over itself and makes a nice little wall of water retention goodness. I think I've exhausted the topic of my fat feet, so I'll just have to find something else to talk about.

What about my job? I mean, I can only guess that of my nearly 30 posts, more than half of them talk about my job, my boss and the crap I have to put up with there. Do you really want to hear about that again? Do you really want to hear about how I get yelled at every day? About how I'm the only person doing everything in my office, and rather than my boss and co-workers being APPRECIATIVE towards me, the only one who knows how to do everything and run all the systems of the office, they instead are short tempered and quick to yell at me for not getting things done fast enough? Do you want to hear about that?

Heather and Alyssa will know that it's difficult to train someone, especially when you are all alone. It's better when an assistant is going to be leaving and we hire a new assistant and the one leaving can focus 100% on just training. When you are trying to train, and the phone keeps ringing, or the agents keep dropping things on your desk, or Jean keeps leaving voice mails telling you that she needs you to pick up her prescriptions at Costco, that's when things get bad. Should I talk about that? You probably don't want to hear about that, right? I didn't think so.

I'm officially stuck. Please let me know what the next topic of my post should be. Otherwise I might be forced to talk about one of the three topics above. And we know how bad THAT would be.

Por Fin! Misericordia de mi bebe!!

I finally felt the baby. I would like to say to all of you people that told me "it feels like bubbles" or "it feels like a butterfly", well you are all horrible liars. It feels NOTHING like that. It feels like when you get to the top of a roller coaster and then all of a sudden the bottom drops out from underneath you. It kind of scared me the first time I felt it.

(Sorry for the next description. It's a little graphic). It also kind of feels like when you have diarrhea and your lower belly churns with the anticipation of having to RUN to the bathroom in about 3 minutes. So I was scared when I felt it for the first time thinking that i was going to have to get to the bathroom, and SOON.

I think it's horrible that I compare feeling my baby for the first time to the same feeling of having the runs. But that butterfly thing that everyone told me is a bunch of crap, so I just wanted you all to know it.

I had to describe it to Marcelo by reminding him of when we were driving around with the Realtor in Missouri, and we went over some of those rolling hills. Sometimes we went too fast and we would fly over them and the bottom would drop too quickly. Marcelo knew EXACTLY what that felt like, so I was happy he could understand what it feels like. And I didn't ever have to say "it's like bubbles." He would've thought I was crazy.

As a work update, everyone will be gone next week. That will be awesome. I don't have to deal with anyone's attitude or hear any more lies about Lynn. But it will also stink because it will delay finding another assistant for a full week. I mean, Jean has to make the FINAL decision and she will be gone ALL WEEK. It'll be fine as long as I'm financially compensated for my. It's horrible that I say that, but I can't change the situation so I might as well profit from it.

Oh, and Jean said again yesterday, "I wouldn't mind having a older assistant. You know, someone in their 30's that won't get pregnant and leave." Isn't that illegal to say? I don't know, but it seems wrong to tell me to my face that she doesn't want me to get pregnant. Well, when she eventually finds out about my pregnancy, I'm going to tell her exactly why I didn't let her know sooner. Let's see what she says then.

I think I'm going to start putting the foods that I'm craving at the end of my blogs. So today It's Chinese food. I was doing TiVo homework and Stephen Colbert was eating some chicken lo mien out of a take out food container. I really wanted some. So I'm going to hunt down some good Chinese food today. I will say that that is one of the things Utah doesn't have. California and New York kick everyone else's but when it comes to Chinese food. But I'm determined to find some good stuff today. If you know any places in the Provo/Orem area that won't give me instant regret, please let me know.