Uncomfortable

I am very awkward. I am clumsy and I drop things and I'm just all a whirl all the time. Add to the fact that I'm ridiculously self conscious, and you have a great recipe for the world's more uncomfortable person to be around.

Today's awkward confession: Hugging. I like hugging my family, but not really anyone else. Close friends, close family members sure. I'll tolerate it. But everyone else? I'd rather just stand a few feet away and wave at you. I came to realize this last month when I was doing visiting teaching. My companion would give our teachees a hello hug or a good-bye hug and I didn't offer a hug of my own at the end. I just stood there like a moron watching. I mean, I could've given each of them a hug of my own after my co-teacher was done, but really, I didn't want any part of that.

I don't like hugging in front of other people. Like at my wedding, after we cut the cake and did the obligatory feeding of each other, I gave Marcelo a high five. Yup, you read that right. I didn't kiss him, didn't hug him, didn't show any love or affection in any way. We high fived. That's the kind of girl I am.

People must think I'm horribly cold and distant. But the truth is that I just don't like hugging people. I get self conscious, I think about their hands: Where are they? What can they feel under my clothes. Should I suck in my gut or lean to the side so they don't feel my love handles? I want out of this hug NOW!

Then I think about my hands: where do I put them? On the waist? Over their shoulders? Or under their arms? Do we do that "over one shoulder and under the other" type hug? Do I pound on the back? or maybe a soft caressing rub (very consoling)? open hand on the back? closed fist that they might possibly feel and think that I'm about to slug them? CURSE MY USELESS HANDS!!

And then the hug breaks and where do I go? Do I say close to them after breaking away from the hug? But that could make them (and me) feel weird due to close proximity. I don't want someone that close, possibly able to see the boogers up my nose. Or do I take a step back and maybe make them think that I didn't enjoy the hug? Give them a little shove as I break away? Or is it NOW that I should do the little consoling arm rub/pat? So that means I need to say in close proximity, right? But not too close, naturally.

Oh my gosh, I hate hugging!! So if we are long lost friends and I haven't seen you in 5 years and we meet up again and I don't hug you? Please don't be offended. I just plain don't like hugging. But feel free to give me a high five!