Imagined Conversation

You: Hey there, Alicia. What are you doing today?

Me: Oh, just sitting here icing my boobs.

You: ICING YOUR BOOBS!! WITH FROSTING?? That sounds delicious? Wait a minute. . .is this some sort of "marital love" thing? (you make gagging noises)

Me: NO PERVERT!!!! I'm icing them WITH ICE. I've made an ice pack for myself and I've currently got these babies to a temp of sub zero.

You: Oh! that sounds so painful. Why are you doing that?

Me: Well, it's better than the alternative. Which is throbbing, swollen, tender to the touch boobs that threaten to burst upon contact.

You: Ok, you are right. That does sound worse. But why are they swollen? Didn't you gradually ween your child? Didn't you take months to slowly cut down her feedings so that you wouldn't have this pain again?

Me: Oh yeah!! I took 4 feedings to 3, then to 2 then to 1. Then with that 1 feeding, I started timing it. I noticed that she was eating 3 minutes on each side. So I started reducing that time. First 2 minutes on each time, then 90 seconds. Then just 60 seconds. I did that for about 2 weeks. Just a feeding of 60 seconds. Most days she went to bed still quite awake, but that was good practice for when I stopped all together, right? I totally had a plan.

You: And what a plan it was!! And becuase you did this gradual ween and she was only eating 2 min total every 24 hours, it can be assumed that there were no problems when you stopped feeding her all together, right? I'm sure it went smoothly and there is no pain or anything, right?

Me: Did you have an aneurysm in the past 2 minutes? Did you forget what I said about me icing my boobs? Does it sound like it went painlessly?

You: So when did you stop?

Me: Monday night was the last time she ate

You: So it's been 2 days now?

Me: Yes. Two horrible hellish days that will never end.

You: Oh, I'm sure you are just exaggerating that.

Me: Am I exaggerating little rocks in my boobs? Am I exaggerating leaking? Am I exaggerating going up a size and a half in my bra?

You: Uhh, errr, I guess. . .

Me: I GUESS YOU OWE ME AN APOLOGY!!!

You: *Shamefaced* I guess I do.

Me: This is why I never wanted to quit feeding her. I don't know if it's every going to go away. There is no "relief" feeding on the horizon. Will they stay like this forever? How long until they stop leaking? YES!!! LEAKING!!!! How long before they stop throbbing? How long before the little "boob rocks" go away?

You: I don't know. I never had this problem.

Me: No one else does. Except that crazy lady in my ward who lives in her parent's basement, home schools, and is pregnant with her 7th kid. And you all have reduced me to talk to her. I BLAME ALL OF YOU FOR FORCING ME TO TURN TO HER!!

You: *Lowly and meekly* Please forgive me for my ultimate dishonor.

Me: Honestly, if I could've nursed her forever, I think I would've. Because 3 min a night was not a horrible sacrifice. And I really didn't want to have this pain ever again. I only stopped because *SOME OF YOU* threatened to make fun of me if she was still feeding past her 18th month. Some friends you are!!

You: Again, please forgive me for my impertinence. I promise to be a better friend from here on.

Me: That will do. You are dismissed


AAAAANNNNND SCENE!!!!!!!!

I think that was pretty realistic, don't you?

But seriously, my boobs are killing me. Time for more ice.


P.S. Kudos to Hoolie on the "ultimate dishonor" line. She always used to make me laugh by saying it.

Weaning

Weaning is horrible.

It is horrible and terrible and I'm considering nursing my child until she is 4 just to avoid doing it.

(Not really)
(Well, kinda)

It is not a one day thing. I can't just wake up one day and say, "I want to be done feeding" and have it happen. I am not one of those women who has their milk just magically dry up. I'm not one one of those people who says "I tried to breast feed her for a year but after 6 months, my milk just gave up!"

I actually know there are a lot of you out there reading my blog. I have nothing to say to you. I just don't get it!! Someone please explain that to me. How does your milk just run out? Aren't your boobs leaking milk every night? Don't you wake up in a puddle of your own making? Don't you stand in the shower and your milk shoots out hitting the wall 2 feet away? Doesn't this happen to you for the first 8 or 9 months of nursing? So seriously, how does one's milk run out?

That is SO not me. So not my family. We have plenty of milk. You all know that. I won't go into details (That would be the first time, right?) But this post is about me trying to reduce the amount of milk my body makes.

It is not pleasant. Within 2 hours of purposefully missing a feeding, (you know cutting down from 3 feedings to 2 a day) my poor ladies have rock hard nodules in them and are pulsing with pain. Picking up my baby makes them throb and if anything (a hand, my wrist, my baby's hand) brushes over any part of them (the side, the front, the middle) I shout out in pain. I'm counting down the hours to when she can eat right before bed.

On Tuesday, when I did this, my poor girls were so throbbing with pain they ached just as I stood in my kitchen. I finally got my child to eat right before bed, and she couldn't grab on to the nipple!! My boobs were so engorged that they had pushed out around my nipple rendering it almost flat. She tried to grab it once, twice, curled her lips into her mouth against the sensation (it was like she was trying to nurse from a rock) and then. . . .SHE PULLED HER HEAD BACK TO EXAMINE MY BOOB.

She looked at it quizzically as if to say, "It looks the same, it smells the same, but that sure don't feel like normal!!" She then tried one more time, and this time she just forged ahead. It was painful, just like those first days of feeding (you all remember those, right?) but soon the pain dissolved into relief. Sweet sweet relief. It will take 2-3 weeks for my body to get back to where it was previously. And then I just have to do it 2 more times.

So now you know. And seriously, if you see my kid sucking my teat when she comes home from an especially hard day of Kindergarten, please don't judge me.

"Never judge a woman until you've gone a day in her bra."

Truer words were never spoken.

Numbers Again

A few more numbers for you:

8: Total number of teeth my baby has with

4: being the number of teeth on top. Meaning that when she feeds on my tender milk bags there are some nice crescent shaped red marks accompanying some SERIOUS pain. What was I thinking feeding her this long?

6: Number of weeks until she stops breastfeeding. Is it the end of June yet? Please? Pretty pretty please?

2: Number of very sore boobs I've got right now. Seriously. Did I mention the red crescents? Right next to the nipple? Cause that's where they are. In the "sweet spot" of tenderness. Even now 15 min later, I can still feel them aching.

1: The number of mothers living in this house that will seriously miss it when her baby finally stops breast feeding. I don't know. Call me crazy, but it's been so sweet bonding with her and having fun while she eats. She sticks her finger in my mouth these days and plays with my teeth and I get to whisper to her in Spanish. I'm really going to miss that.

1: The number of mothers living in this house that will NOT miss leaking in the morning. YES!! I STILL LEAK ALMOST A YEAR INTO THIS!!! I'd like to see any of you who still have leaky boobs this long.

Man, I'm like a freak of nature. I should sell tickets. It's a slow economy: I'm charging per boob.

Nuff Said

Sick

Sick. Sick. Everyone is sick. Marcelo is sick. And so of course that means that Evita is sick. Sick babies are the worst. Running nose, congestion, the whole works. Naps were a nightmare today. My boobs are ready to explode because she doesn't want to eat. Did I mention that I hate sick babies?

Oh man, my life sucks right now. She wasn't sleeping too well anyway before that, and then the sickness is making things so horrible. I think that maybe that's why nighttime has been so terrible for the last few days: because she was getting sick for a while now. And when she can't sleep, I can't sleep (we share a bedroom, of course). She's been having some rough days. And so have I.

Oh, and I'm a bad friend to Reagan. I'm sorry Reagan. I really really don't deserve your friendship.

So basically, I feel lame because I have nothing to post, and no energy to post my nothing. Should I just post something lame, or should I wait until I have something "interesting" to say? Please let me know.

You are all Liars

Remember how everyone told me that I could easily transition my baby from sleeping in our bed to sleeping in her own bed? Well, I would now like to call all of you out on the carpet as LIARS.

My child has been sleeping 7-8 hours IN A ROW every night. I'm in Heaven. Well, last night I decided it was time to move her to her own bed. UGH!!! After putting her there at 11:20, she wok up at 12:45 and then again at 1:30. It was at that time that Marcelo said, "just pull her into bed with us." I did where she remained asleep for the next 8 hours.

So, again, I am calling you all out as dirty filthy liars. You will be punished for your lies. You have made my life horrible and I blame you 100% for all my problems.

Just kidding. It's not entirely your fault. I think it also has something to do with the fact that her "crib" is right by the A/C vent. I think she's just too cold at night. When I picked her up 1:30 her cheeks and hands were so cold. So that could be part of the problem. I do put a blanket on her (as well as dressing her in those "footie" PJ's) but she always kicks it off. And it's not like I can put the blanket over her face!! Or could I. . . ? Kidding, always kidding.

But I do know that she does love to be by us. When she was taking her nap yesterday, she started to wake up early, and Marcelo crawled in bed next to her and just started to snuggle her, and she fell right asleep next to him. She loves being close to us. She must take after Raya in that aspect. And I think that's also contributing to her not wanting to sleep in her crib. I really hope that you are all right and she'll have no problem sleeping there once I move her off the Ice Box.

I don't know if you care (maybe you don't) but my boobs are officially REGULATED!!! WHOOO HOOO!!! They are no longer rock hard cantaloupes, but are now juicy juicy mangoes. I bet I made everyone really crave a fruit salad right there. But I've taken the advice of my blog commenters and have bought myself a box of Lansinoh pads. I used them once before, back when I thought that a pad would be enough for me, when I saw that I had a free set of them given to me in the hospital. I LOVED them because I noticed that when liquid hits them, they act like a diaper and absorb it quickly and turn into a gel.

Well, as soon as I realized I could graduate from the cups to pads, I knew I wanted some. They ROCK and you don't leak through your cloth pads in the middle of the night. Anyway, I have them now and I'm in love with them. They keep my milk right where it should be, and now I'm not afraid to go out in public anymore. You know what that means!! I'm hitting Ladies Night at Club Grind tonight!! (I don't know if there is such a place as Club Grind. But it sounds dirty enough to be real, right?)

Finally, I would like to say that I really appreciate all the comments I get on my blog. I think all of you have really contributed to making me a great mother. You definitely have calmed me down about some things, and made me realize that I'm going to make it through these crazy times. I hope I can someday be as helpful to you as you have been for me.

Milk Duds

I am trying really hard to get my boobs under control. I know all my devoted readers have heard about my milk production struggles. (If you don't want to read the words "nipple," "feedings," "boobs" or "leaking" then you should stop reading right now.) My mom has been in town for the last couple of weeks, and she told me last week that I only have 2 more weeks to go! I usually don't listen to my mom when it comes to life suggestions, but whatever she says about my boobs, I will take as gospel law.

Anyway, she said that magically around 6 weeks, my boobs will regulate themselves. We were talking about my two different milk cups that I have, and I told her that I like her 25 year old orange cups for night time, when I had to go longer between feedings. And then I would wear the newer clear plastic ones when I had to go out in public. (The newer ones don't leak when I bend over, you see)

But she said that she thinks the time is coming close where I won't need them anymore. And she thought that maybe wearing them was training my body to make MORE milk in these last few weeks. So she suggested that maybe it might be time to try just my pads. (I bought a package of 6 washable, reusable pads back when I was delusional enough to think that a pad would be enough for me.) So I pulled them out and took them for a test drive.

They rock!!! I mean, I'm not 100% leak free, but I'm getting close!! Also, because I don't have a cup of liquid placed precariously on my chest, I don't run the risk of it popping open in the night and covering me with liquid. That's actually where most of my leaking takes place:from the cups leaking or their seal breaking in the night. (The funny thing is that as I type this, I'm slowing springing a small leak and covering my garment top.)

Also, I think that a combination of a tight bra and the nursing pads pressing against my boobs makes them not leak so badly. I went all day the first day without leaking out. And the same for the second day, until about 7 pm when I went to go see Lynn. And I started leaking right in front of her. Cause THAT'S not embarrassing or anything. Luckily her husband wasn't there. That would've been really bad. But he's really nice, so even if he were there he would've been ok with it.

And also today!! I made it all through church with no leaks! I think that I was afraid to use the pads becuase I have that one flat nipple and I was afraid the pads would flatten it out even more. Well, it does! But luckily my Monkey Face has got a good hold on this feeding thing and she doesn't need as much help as before.

Other positives: I have also discovered the joy of nursing while laying in bed!! I know many of you will say that I'm crazy for not doing it before. But the truth is that with my rock hard boobs, it was nearly impossible for her to latch on unless I was shoving the nipple into her mouth and then holding her head there from the back. But like I said, the fact that she's getting so good at her feedings means more freedom for me.

So I pull her into bed, and nurse her, and then put her back in her bed. Oh man, It's so nice. Just laying on your side, head propped up, baby snuggling and eating. Nearly falling asleep yourself. I just love it. This must be what people mean when they say motherhood rocks.

Speaking of babies, I think that by this time I should have some sort of "ownership" of my baby. I don't know why, but it STILL doesn't feel like she's my baby. Like I'm just babysitting for someone and the really mother will come and pick her up. Like sometimes when she cries, I look around to pass her off to someone, and then I realize that it's me!! I'm the one that probably can stop her crying the fastest. It's just so weird. I'm starting to wonder about it. . .

But something funny happened today in church. I went to the mother's lounge (Which really REALLY stunk like dirty diapers. Why is that? So unhappy for a mother to "relax" in a room scented strongly of poop and pee) Anyway, my left side was super full, so much that it was spraying a steady stream of uncontrolled milk all over my baby's face. She couldn't drink it up fast enough and kept pulling away to choke and cough because she was drinking too fast. Well, mommy was bad, and she tried to get her little girl to eat. And eat and eat. (My boob was REALLY full) and Evita acquiesced.

But I should've known better. She pulled away and I rolled her on her back on top my legs. I was slowly rocking her and she turned her head away from me and then she vomited. And I'm not talking about a little vomit. I'm talking almost 2 cups of liquid shooting out my baby with enough force to go a great distance. What was the distance? Nearly TWO FEET!! I kid you not. I should've taken a picture, but I was covered in vomit!!

I couldn't believe it was so much. And I'm SOOO happy she turned her head away from me the 2 seconds before she boomeranged it out of herself. Can you imagine if she had splashed me with all that stuff? I could've been a yucky sticky mess for the last hour of church. I'm also happy that she relieved the pressure on my left boob. Ahh, mommy loves her little girl.

Ok, I need to go to be now. But tomorrow I'll talk about our little girls' first day at the water park. I got her the CUTEST suit.

One Month Old

Today Evelyn is 1 month old. I can't believe it's gone by so fast. Here are some pictures I've recently taken. These first ones are her attempting to sit up with the use of the Boppy:















I give that attempt a 6 out of 10.

This is a shot of her awesome spiky hair:















I have a rooster for a child!! I think I should change her name from "Monkey Face" to "Rooster Head". Freaking beautiful baby.

And this is me, also celebrating her one month birthday. As you can see I can't CONTAIN myself:


I want to put a sign on this that says: "If you are a member of the Speer/Johnson heritage, your can look forward to this when you have a child." (I actually said that to Julie. I was like "However crazy mom and her family is when it comes to their hippie ways, you MUST listen to them when they talk about your boobs. They know about the boobs.") And now you all know why I never leave the house.


And this is the little girl celebrating her birthday today:
Just my little lima bean. She looks so good, I want to gobble her up.















Gawl!! She looks so sweaty!! "And I was a swarthy 6 year old with sideburns." (Name that movie?) Arrrgh!!! SHE TOTALLY IS!!!!

So finally, here are some fun facts about my girl:

Likes:
Eating
Sleeping
BATH TIME!
Sucking her hand
Watching the Euro Cup 2008 with daddy and rooting for Germany
Sleeping on her belly (which has caused many fights between mommy and daddy)
Playing with her tongue in her mouth
Throwing up on mom
Peeing while mom changes her diaper JUST at the moment when she has taken off her diaper and mom is totally unprotected

Dislikes:
Waiting for food
Having a burp in her belly and not being able to get it up
When mommy drops a dish in the kitchen. Don't you know she's trying to sleep, mommy?
Raya licking her face
Mom trying to clean her armpits and neck fat rolls during bath time.

So, that's it!! Happy Birthday Monkey Face! Here's some cake. Enjoy.

Thank you, Thank you!

To all of you that gave me blowout cleanup & sleeping advice. Honestly, I think sometimes I'm doing great, and then my little girls' umbilical cord stump starts bleeding and I start freaking out. I pulled off her outfit yesterday and on the inside was some bloody spots. Let the freaking out commence.

I've heard that I can use some rubbing alcohol with a Q-tip to clean her, but I'm afraid it will hurt her. As of right now, the dry stump top has fallen off, but underneath is a yellow mucus looking goo. And I might be just over-reacting about this, but I think it smells funny. Anyway, I have a band-aid on it to keep the top of the diaper and her clothes from irritating it and to keep blood spots from transferring to her clothes. But I'm just really nervous about it.

As for the sleep advice, really, thank you all so much. Last night was her "worst" night. And by worst night, I mean that it took her a few hours to go to sleep. (Once she finally did, she slept for long blocks of time, but it took her a while to get there.) Again, I can't complain, because she DOES sleep for long blocks of time. But we tried to get her to go to bed at 11:30 pm, and she didn't go until 3:30 am. Marcelo came in from the other room and was like "What is going on?!?! What is the matter with her?" And I was like "I don't know, let me ask her . . . oh wait, I don't speak baby!!!"

He was really great and stayed up with me and took turns bouncing her and walking with her so I could rest. We think it was a combo of her umbilical cord bothering her and gas/burping issues. But eventually she calmed down and ate a bunch, and then fell asleep on my chest. And then she slept until 7:30 am. When she ate some more, and fell back asleep until 11:30 am. I really have nothing to complain about.

Anyway, I just appreciate Marcelo so much. He's totally and completely unfamiliar with all of this, but he's so great about trying new things. He'll dance around with her and sing to her so that she'll calm down. And yesterday he changed his first diaper. (Don't come down on him for the diaper thing!! The poor guy needed my help every step of the way! He almost put it on backwards and inside out!) Anyway, I really appreciate his willingness to try new things.

Finally, I am in SO MUCH BREAST PAIN!! Not the nipples. The nipples are great. I could set fire to my nipples and I wouldn't be distracted from the general PAIN in my engorged boobs. And my milk has the smell and consistency of melted vanilla ice cream. Fatty & sticky all at the same time. What does it taste like? I don't know, and I think you are disgusting and crass for even asking. But it's definitely sticky. Sticky all over, and it curdles/turns sour within minutes of being outside my body.

So what does that mean for me? Well, it mostly means that all my shirts have stiff circles of dried milk on them, and I constantly smell like sour milk. All my bras smell like sour milk, and night time is the WORST time. I'm half asleep, and I'll wake up in a milk puddle of my own doing. My poor sheets: They'll be threadbare from all the washings in just a few months.

Anyway, This blog is about how much I appreciate all the comments and support from you people who read my mindless ramblings. I know that I can turn to you for advice and I'll get fast and effective suggestions. So, what are your thoughts on this umbilical cord situation?

P.S. I also appreciate that my readers are honest and when they took the poll they voted that my child was scary looking at first. I KNOW THIS!! I'M NOT BLIND!! Thank you again for your honesty. I know I can always turn to you for the truth.

Bad Mommy

Thanks for all the advice about mustard blow out poop! It seems OxiClean is the hands down winner. I don't have any of that, but I do have BIZ, so I'm going to use that until I can get some OxiClean.

Getting out of the house is somewhat of a struggle, as you new mothers know. Especially because no matter where I go, I have to worry about leaking through a shirt. Here is the thing: You have all seen the cup of milk in my previous blogs. That's a lot of milk, we know that. Here's what I do to prevent any of that from coming through my shirt: I have the plastic cups (which you have seen) and then on TOP of those, I put those nursing pads. Why? Because there is a little tiny hole at the top of the plastic cup that allows air to come in and out. And when I bend over, the milk in those cups will spill out the little pin sized hole. So I put nursing pads on top of those cups. And then my bra. And then I have my two layers of clothes. My G-top and my shirt. (For all of you that are shocked that I wear my G's on TOP of my bra, let me direct you back to the cup of milk that I produce every 4 hours)

So we are talking 5 layers of protection here. And the milk will STILL come through!! Often times it creates huge puddles on my shirt front. SO freaking embarrassing, and not looking to slow down any time soon. Yesterday someone called from my ward and asked if I needed anything. I told her I was looking for more plastic cup things, because these are so old and are leaking out the bottom. She said, "Oh, have you tried those nursing pads?" Uhhhhh, yeah, I wear those OVER the cups and the milk still soaks through. She said, "Oh my! Well, I guess it's better to make more milk than no milk at all"

And I totally agree!! I may whine a little about my leaking, but I am so blessed to be able to (abundantly) feed my little Monkey Face. I know that many women don't get enough milk, or their milk never comes at all! I am blessed to not have to worry about supplementing my milk with expensive formula (We are kind of in a money crunch now that I don't work anymore) and I'm just counting my blessings every day.

So I do have a point to this blog, and here is my question: How long is it ok to let you child cry while they are trying to go to sleep? My Pediatrician says that I should put her down when she is drowsy, (not completely asleep) and then she will TEACH herself to go to sleep. He said it's ok for her to cry. I failed to ask him how long I should let her do this. As I hear her scream and become DESPERATE It breaks my heart. But I know she's just tired. She's god PLENTY of food in her, she's got a clean bum, and I just burped her. She just needs to go to sleep.

I have an appointment with him next Thursday, so I'll ask him about that. But here's the bad thing: Sometimes I pull her into bed with me. :( Isn't that like no-no #1? Last night after hearing her cry for 7 minutes, I couldn't take it anymore. I just pulled her into bed with me, and she fell INSTANTLY asleep for 4 hours. When she woke up at 3:30, I changed her, fed her, burped her and then put her in the crib. She cried some more, but this time I let her cry it out in her crib and she put herself to sleep for another 3 hours.

So, I'm a BAD MOMMY because I'm not consistent. One time I let her scream, the next I pull her into bed and cuddle her until she sleeps for hours. I would like to hear how everyone feels about my bad mommy practices. Until then I'll just do what gets me the most amount of sleep, and what makes me feel the least guilty. And I'll keep doing whatever keeps my milk stains away from the viewing eyes of the public.

Scary Dreams

WARNING!! THIS BLOG TALKS ABOUT BOOBS. A LOT. DON'T READ THIS BLOG IF BOOB TALK AND BREASTFEEDING DREAMS MAKE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE. WARNING OVER!!

I've been having scary dreams lately. Last night was the worst. I dreamed that I had my baby (even in my dream I don't know if it's a boy or a girl. It's just a BABY) and that I tried to breastfeed it, but I couldn't. Not like the milk wouldn't come, but I was just a moron and could get my breasts to work. Almost like they were high tech mechanical instruments and I hadn't read the instruction manual so that's why I couldn't do anything

Honestly, it was so upsetting. It was almost like in my dream I was a 15 year old kid who was fumbling around and didn't even know what to do to actually BRING my child up to my boob. I thought that if I just waited for a little while the milk would come shooting out right of my boob into the baby's mouth like a water pistol. So I just kept waiting and waiting for the baby to "magically" be fed. But then in the dream I finally figured it out and got it in the kid's mouth. But then the baby immediately fell asleep. I was panicked because I had only fed the kid on the left side, and only for about 3 seconds.

So I switched it over to the right side, and when I pulled out the boob, my nipple was missing!!! My right nipple was not there. I'm sure this is just un-conscious (or conscious for that matter) worry because my right nipple is noticeably flatter than my left and I worry about not being able to feed on that side. I worry about the baby not being able to latch onto that side, and me being so frustrated so I just feed it mostly on the left and my left boob shrinks while my right grows bigger and bigger until it eventually bursts.

Ok, maybe I don't really worry that my boob will burst. But I DO really worry about the latching on and the physical properties/capabilities of the right boob. And that worry was CLEARLY in my dream.

So what happened at the end? I don't know. Dreams are like that. One moment you are freaking because your nipple is gone, and the next moment you are awake and thinking about what you will eat for breakfast. All I know is that my dreams are telling me that I am NOT READY TO BE A MOTHER. PLEASE DON'T COME BABY!!! I'M GOING TO SUCK AT TAKING CARE OF YOU!!

Speaking of not knowing how to taking care of babies, something funny happened today with Marcelo. Today I showed him the ONE newborn diaper we have. It was included in a "Congratulations You Got Knocked Up!" box of goodies from Babies 'R' Us. You can tell that it's a newborn diaper because it has the notch for the belly button. I explained to Marcelo that we'll need at least one bag of those suckers because we don't want to irritate the little umbligo stump. (Sorry, umbligo is Spanish for belly button and we were using it during the whole conversation)

Anyway, I was explaining to him that the stump turns black and eventually falls off. YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN HIS FACE! He looked like he had just stepped in a pile of dog poop. He was like "It turns rotten, right? Does it smell?" I told him that it does NOT smell, and it doesn't "turn rotten" but that it just turns black and then falls off by itself. He was still grossed out and he got up to "walk off " the thought of a piece of our baby turning black and falling off. I laughed and called out behind him, "ohhh, boy!! you have so much to look forward to!!"

He really does. Just wait till we have a boy and he figures out that if they do a circumcision (Like Marcelo thinks he wants his boys to have) then they'll have to CUT THE BABY'S PENIS!! I think he already figures that, but he really hasn't thought about the mechanics of the actual procedure. If we DO have a boy, and we DO decide to get him circumcised, I bet ANYONE $35 that he can't be there to see it happen. What a wuss.

I'm counting on friends to get me through labor and delivery. Marcelo will be the pansy passed out on the couch sleeping it off till it's over.

Happy Mother's Day Marcelo!!

Christmas Day Surprises

HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!

I hope you all are having a very merry day. We got a white Christmas! I've never actually seen a white Christmas. Now I can die, because I know what one looks like.

Last night we went over to my brother's house. His wife found a place that makes awesome tamales They bought like 30 of them and we ate until I wanted to pop. My brother's wife has her whole family in town, and they make the best food.

Anyway, I brought a delicious apple crisp and then we just sat around and ate and talked. But my dad was oddly absent. He was being "Mr. Poopy Pants" (as we call his alter ego that doesn't talk to anyone and sits on the couch pouting for some unknown reason) But we didn't pay him any attention. Everyone else went downstairs to play pool while I passed out on the couch while watching "A Christmas Story"

Anyway, Christmas rocked. Marcelo got me just what I wanted. Here are just a few of my rocking gifts this year:

* New Sheets
* A Bathrobe
* Windshield wipers
* Towels
* Eye Shadow (Thanks Reagan! Are you trying to tell me that I need to wear more makeup?)
* A Squirmy Flying Mythical Creature
* PJ pants
* A Toothbrush

I know some may say that my presents are not very cool, but I promise you that I got JUST what I wanted. Windshield wipers are what ALL the kids are asking for this year. You are crazy if you don't know what a good set of windshield wipers will do for your self confidence.

And now, as an extra Christmas Bonus, I'm gong to tell you some of my pleasant and not so pleasant discoveries about pregnancy. These are things that people told me would happen to me, and I didn't believe them. Here they are in no particular order:

Sensitive Boobs I am one of those rare (and very lucky) creatures that doesn't suffer any cramps or other side effects during my period. When I started taking the pill many years ago, it was the first time that I had ever felt a cramp. How messed up is that? Therefore, I don't get ouchy boobs during my PMS week.

So about 1 week before my birthday, I took off my bra at the end of the night and my poor little girls gave an audible whine in protest as the fell to near my belly button. I was shocked and I actually thought for a while that I had been punched in both my boobs unbeknownst to me. (Maybe my next blog is to discover why I think it's possible to be punched in BOTH boobs without my knowing). It was actually the hurting boobs that gave me the very big hope that I might be pregnant. And they were right!!

But they have not relented. They hurt so much!! I didn't believe that this would happen to me because my friends would say, "oh, your boobs will hurt like when you are PMS-ing". And since I had never felt it before, I thought I might pass this one by (like the vomiting. I KNEW I wouldn't be a vomiter). But as I reach across my desk to grab something, my ladies recoil as I ever so gently brush by them with my arm. It's like they've been saving up for 27 years to hurt all at once RIGHT NOW.

Memory Loss Judd told me about this one. She said that I would be walking somewhere to get something and I would have to stop because I will have forgotten where I was going or what I needed. Now, Judd knows I have a FREAKISHLY good memory. I think she's a little upset with herself for telling me certain items of information because she knows I'll never forget them. She really shouldn't worry, because her stories are all AWESOME.

Anyway, I did NOT believe her when she said this. BUT IT'S TRUE!!! The person who most often receives the brunt of this is Lynn. I will be in the middle of a story or some instructions for her or asking her an important question about a file and I will just STOP because I have no idea what I need and what I was just saying. And it's not like I'm doing something else like reading an email or answering the phone and I can't remember what I need to say. No, it's like full on, looking her in the eye, focused on HER and I just have to stop. Luckily Lynn rockes and she just laughs at me and gives me a minute to gather my thoughts again. I feel the worst about it when I do it TWICE in the middle of the same thought. Now THAT'S bad.

But like I said, I didn't think that this would happen to me, but it did. Just goes to show what I know about being pregnant.

Wanna know something funny? There was a third thing about pregnancy that surprised me, but I forgot it!! (See above item) I didn't write it down, and that's what I get. If I remember, I promise to tell you.

Hope you all are enjoying the holidays as much as I am!!

P.S. Marcelo and I were watching the show "True Life" on MTV and the topic was "I'm Pregnant" and this girl had the baby right on camera. While they did a GREAT job of not showing her whoo-hoo, you did see EVERYTHING else. The baby's head was out, and then the rest of the body came out in a gush of liquid. I turned to marcelo and he was doing one of those "I just vomited in my mouth" quivers. I hit the repeat button on Tivo and made him watch it again to see all the liquid that shoots out at the same time. He was not happy. I just think he should be prepared.

I think it'll be ok, though. I plan on having Judd and Reagan in the delivery room with me, so when he has to go lie down and vomit they can take over helping me breathe and focus.

Comin' forth to carry me home

Do you know what has made me the happiest these last few days? My new bra. That might be an overshare for some of you. But honestly, for the past 3 and a half months I've been in undergarment hell. Thanks to Judd, I knew EXACTLY what kind of bra I needed: OLGA. This is a picture of my new bra.


To answer your obvious question: yes, that is a self-portrait. Taken 19 months in advance from now. I'm that amazing.

Features of the bra: I have upgraded from the 2 hooks to 3. I don't know why I didn't move over sooner. Much more support, comfort and less slippage. It's like someone designed this thing with women in mind!! Instead of the boy mannequins I'm sure they use to prototype all the bras at Victoria's Secret.

Also, there are very wide straps. Which I also love and am mad at myself that I didn't get before. I should've listened to Judd years ago when she told me about the Olga.

As for my current breastal situation: my boobs have always been asymmetrical. The left one has always been slightly larger than the right. Now, if I ever meet you on the street, please don't stare at my boobs. I'm already feeling badly because when they grew in my first trimester, they didn't grow evenly. The left one got bigger and bigger while the right just got bigger. If you're counting, that's one more bigger on the left!!!

As I lean over naked and let them swing low, (the sweet chariots) I can see that one hangs nearly 2 inches lower than the other. If you catch me in a good mood someday, I might take off my top and show you.