Imagined Conversation

You: Hey there, Alicia. What are you doing today?

Me: Oh, just sitting here icing my boobs.

You: ICING YOUR BOOBS!! WITH FROSTING?? That sounds delicious? Wait a minute. . .is this some sort of "marital love" thing? (you make gagging noises)

Me: NO PERVERT!!!! I'm icing them WITH ICE. I've made an ice pack for myself and I've currently got these babies to a temp of sub zero.

You: Oh! that sounds so painful. Why are you doing that?

Me: Well, it's better than the alternative. Which is throbbing, swollen, tender to the touch boobs that threaten to burst upon contact.

You: Ok, you are right. That does sound worse. But why are they swollen? Didn't you gradually ween your child? Didn't you take months to slowly cut down her feedings so that you wouldn't have this pain again?

Me: Oh yeah!! I took 4 feedings to 3, then to 2 then to 1. Then with that 1 feeding, I started timing it. I noticed that she was eating 3 minutes on each side. So I started reducing that time. First 2 minutes on each time, then 90 seconds. Then just 60 seconds. I did that for about 2 weeks. Just a feeding of 60 seconds. Most days she went to bed still quite awake, but that was good practice for when I stopped all together, right? I totally had a plan.

You: And what a plan it was!! And becuase you did this gradual ween and she was only eating 2 min total every 24 hours, it can be assumed that there were no problems when you stopped feeding her all together, right? I'm sure it went smoothly and there is no pain or anything, right?

Me: Did you have an aneurysm in the past 2 minutes? Did you forget what I said about me icing my boobs? Does it sound like it went painlessly?

You: So when did you stop?

Me: Monday night was the last time she ate

You: So it's been 2 days now?

Me: Yes. Two horrible hellish days that will never end.

You: Oh, I'm sure you are just exaggerating that.

Me: Am I exaggerating little rocks in my boobs? Am I exaggerating leaking? Am I exaggerating going up a size and a half in my bra?

You: Uhh, errr, I guess. . .

Me: I GUESS YOU OWE ME AN APOLOGY!!!

You: *Shamefaced* I guess I do.

Me: This is why I never wanted to quit feeding her. I don't know if it's every going to go away. There is no "relief" feeding on the horizon. Will they stay like this forever? How long until they stop leaking? YES!!! LEAKING!!!! How long before they stop throbbing? How long before the little "boob rocks" go away?

You: I don't know. I never had this problem.

Me: No one else does. Except that crazy lady in my ward who lives in her parent's basement, home schools, and is pregnant with her 7th kid. And you all have reduced me to talk to her. I BLAME ALL OF YOU FOR FORCING ME TO TURN TO HER!!

You: *Lowly and meekly* Please forgive me for my ultimate dishonor.

Me: Honestly, if I could've nursed her forever, I think I would've. Because 3 min a night was not a horrible sacrifice. And I really didn't want to have this pain ever again. I only stopped because *SOME OF YOU* threatened to make fun of me if she was still feeding past her 18th month. Some friends you are!!

You: Again, please forgive me for my impertinence. I promise to be a better friend from here on.

Me: That will do. You are dismissed


AAAAANNNNND SCENE!!!!!!!!

I think that was pretty realistic, don't you?

But seriously, my boobs are killing me. Time for more ice.


P.S. Kudos to Hoolie on the "ultimate dishonor" line. She always used to make me laugh by saying it.