Cheesecake and Jelly Beans-Part Tres

Well my friends, it's time for another installment of "Cheesecake and Jelly Beans." This is the Post Pardom/Summer Edition! 30% off for your reading pleasure. And let me tell you, there will be plenty of reading pleasure going on starting. . . . .NOW!

I am on a diet. I really need to do this. I hate being fat, I complain about it all the time and I'm the only one that can do anything about it. I know I have loyal supporters (I'm looking at you Lisa and Reagan) who will tell me I'm not fat. I beg to differ. I am huge. I'm not going to SAY it, but I'm thinking that recently the words MORBIDLY OBESE have been used in regards to my body. Whenever I think about caving and going and getting that combo meal I've been thinking about for hours and hours and days and day, I just think the words "morbidly obese" and that usually stops me right there.

Another Jelly Bean is that I'm afraid I'm going to lose my milk if I go too strict on my food restrictions. But that's the best way I can lose weight. I mean, I can also lose weight, by exercising, but I HATE exercising. But more on that later. I actually talked to my sister who's a RD (That's Registered Dietitian, if you were wondering) and she gave me a good calorie guideline I should try to hit. It was an eye opener becuase it's 700 calories HIGHER than what I usually hit when I'm trying to lose weight. My point? I'm never going to lose this weight. AND my baby has been ridiculously bad at night these past 3 days. Is that because my milk is less nutritious? Oh man, I don't want to even consider that cause it will just make me want to run into the arms of french fries.

(Actually, it's a jelly bean that I can't EAT cheesecake right now. But let me not remind myself of that again.) The Cheesecake here is that during the summer, there is a plethera of fresh fruits and veggies to be had by the eaters. Both yesterday and the day before, I ate a whole half of a honeydew melon. Oh, I love honeydew. It's the one melon that hasn't been tainted yet by Viagra talk or my mission. On my mission they would blend up just straight cantaloupe and stick it in a glass for you. It was thick and almost like you needed to chew it. NOT DELICIOUS. I've never been a fan of cantaloupe since. But I like the fact that there are so many other fruits to choose from. Choice of many different fruits=Cheesecake

Working out. UGH!! I hate working out. Now, I don't think any of my readers are as fat as I am, so I'm going to enlighten them on what it's like to work out when you are MORBIDLY OBESE. First, you go to put on a "work out" shirt, one that used to be so big and roomy. It now is snug and clings to your baby fat pouch like an 18 year old girl on a pre-med major. It highlights and accentuates every jiggle and I swear the passerbys can see the stretch marks on my belly.

Then it comes to the actual WORKING OUT part. The fat on my inner thighs rubs together so much I could light a small forest fire with the friction going on down there. The heat isn't the only bad part, there is chafing going on. Chafing that will eventually lead to open wounds, and then to scabs. Scabs on the inner thighs. Roll that phrase around in your mouth a few times and just let the words caress your tongue and leave a nasty aftertaste.

Second Jelly Bean item in this topic: The Gold's Gym Parade of Idiots I'm forced to deal with everytime I go. What is it with these people? Why can't they just all go to the Cougar Eat to try to scam on each other? Why do they have to waste space in the gym and sit around on the equipment, not using it, yakking to each other about where to get the best fake tan? You know who I'm talking about. The people that go there just to oogle one another and try to pick up a date for the weekend.

Usually the guys who are doing this have spiky hair and LOOOOOOVE to stare at themselves in the mirror as they are walking around the gym. The girls who are doing this have come to the gym WITH MAKEUP ON and are wearing some type of shorty short that has writing on the ass. This writing says something like "Juicy" or "Pink" or "Gap" or "Jail Bait" or "Subtle" or "Look here please and base my value of a person on what you see jiggling underneath." I have nothing to say to these people, except "Go away and let me work out in peace!!"

Basically, exercising is a nightmare. And usually when I start to lose weight, I start by cutting waaaay back on calories so I can lose the first little bit of weight. Once I have that going for me, I start exercising. But because of the milk situation, I can't cut as far back on calories as I would like. So exercise has to be present from the beginning. UGH!! Did I mention how much I hate it? Oh yeah, I think we just covered that.

:If you ARE going to brave the gym and the ass shorts girls and the spiky narcissistic guys, then make sure there is a Cardio Cinema room in which to work out. Ahhhhh, Cardio Cinema, how I love thee. I love thee for your dimmed lights. I love thee for your various equipment, and plenty of it!! I love thee for your giant movie screen constantly playing chick flicks. At least I have something to watch as I try to keep the crotch of my pants from lighting on fire.

And finally, the last cheesecake item of the day: VACATION!! It's almost time for my family vacation. We are going to Pal (i.e. Lake Powell. If you don't get that joke, then obviously you are too busy to waste time on made up blogs) So we are going to Pal and renting a houseboat. We will have Jeff's big ski boat there too, and PLENTY of food (Reagan, we are going to have to talk about some "Modified Rules" for this upcoming week.)

Anyway, We've been talking about this since November. And it will be rocking cause everyone will be there! Sarah and her 3 kids will be coming from Texas. And Chad gets to come too!! Jeff, Tina, 5 kids, 2 dogs and a boat will also be there. Basically, every one from my family and their families will be coming (except my dad, of course). Marcelo was going to miss the first and third days, but would be there for the second day. (He has school that can't be missed) I was so excited for the vacation until a big giant turd of a Jelly Bean came in the mail in the form of. . .

MARCELO'S INS APPOINTMENT!! Those of you who know about our INS problems know that we've been waiting for this appointment for a year. And we've had to pay the American Government TWICE for the courtesy of THEM losing Marcelo's card. I'm STILL peeved about it. Do you have $400 just waiting around so you can pay the government for their
crappy service? I know I sure don't.

Anyway, we got his letter in the mail with his "biometrics" appointment time. (That's just a fancy way to say, "you have to pay $80 for us to take your picture and fingerprints. . . .TWICE") They schedule this for you, you don't have a say in it. If you *can't* make the appointment, then you can tell them, but you have to wait months for them to reschedule. The moment, and I mean MOMENT that I saw that day and time, I knew instantly that Marcelo wouldn't be coming to the family reunion. And it pissed me off that the government was once again screwing me over. THANKS GOVERNMENT!! Lose our card, hijack our money and then ruin my family reunion? You know why don't you just get it over with and shoot my dog? Then you will have totally ruined my summer.

Anyway, that is my newest installment of "Cheesecake and Jelly Beans" I hope to have another installment coming your way soon.