The TwoDaLoo

WARNING!!! THIS BLOG HAS LOTS OF POOP REFERENCES. IF POOP OR POOP TALK BOTHERS YOU, DO NOT READ ON. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

My sister Julie sent me this link to what I believe is the most disturbing and hilarious thing I've ever seen. It's called the TwoDaLoo. The whole title is stated as such:

TwoDaLoo - A Supertoilet That Saves Rocky Marriages and The Planet

HOLY CRAP!!!! LITERALLY!!! This crapper can save the earth AND stop my husband from being an asshole? This REALLY must be something. I scroll down thinking that maybe they will have a video showing how the toilet can sense when my husband needs a beat down, and a nice rubber mallet comes out and whacks him on the head when he deserves it.

But alas, I am hoping for too much. This is what I see:

Sweet Jumpin' Turds!!! What is THAT? Is that so you can have an AUDIENCE when you do a deuce? I don't know about you, but I think it's gross when I smell my own stink. I would not want to force someone else to be there. No matter how much of a "moment" we were having by being on the pot together. And no matter how much we would save the environment by staring into each other's eyes while we squeeze out fudge dragons together, I would not like one of these in my house. Did I mention there's another picture?

Why the wooden figures? Do they think that we can't "get" it and figure out how it's supposed to work? Like this is the first toilet we've ever experienced? Maybe most people haven't seen a toilet QUITE like this, but I assure you, if you put this equipment in front of 10 average Americans, 11 out of those 10 will know what to do with it. But thanks for the wooden visuals, anyway. And I really appreciate that they are kind of hunched over in "push stance" so we are absolutely 100% sure what this strange "toilet thing" is supposed to be used for.

But then the words. OH THE WORDS!!! This is a direct cut and paste of the product description:

The TwoDaLoo is billed as the world's first toilet two people can use ... at the exact same time. It brings couples closer together and conserves our water supply all with one flush. The TwoDaLoo features two side-by-side toilet seats with a modest privacy wall in between. An upgraded version includes a seven inch LCD television and iPod docking station.

I am sooo disturbed by this on so many levels. Why would taking a crap in front of Marcelo bring us closer together? Like when he sees the strain in my eyes as I back out a grumpy that's particularly nobby, THAT'S when he'll feel especially close to me? As my eyes water from the pain, he will KNOW what I'm going through and love me so much more? I guarantee that he won't. He would probably tell me to eat more fiber if he really saw that. I don't even think that he'll feel that way as he sees the strain in my eyes when I'm having his BABY! So poop is out of the question.

Secondly, the term "modest privacy wall" is misleading. Does that look like a "modest wall" to you? I can lean over and see my husband's junk! There is NO modesty at all when one person can see the junk of their spouse. Can you imagine if you were sitting on the pot and your husband was standing going #1 and you looked up and all you saw was his butt cheeks? While I am lucky to have a husband with REALLY nice cheeks, that doesn't mean I want them 6 inches from my face.

Lastly, it says that an upgraded version has a TV and an iPod docking station. WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO SPEND MORE TIME THAN NECESSARY IN A STINKY POOP SMELL FILLED ROOM? Like let's say you decide to go take care of business. Do you really want Deathcab For Cutie blaring all around you while you defile that lovely porcelain pot? Like just the RIGHT music will make that poo flow ever so nicely?

And you know, as long as you are there, maybe pop in a copy of "Legends of the Fall" so you can enjoy Brad Pitt's face as you lament that second enchilada you had last night. Is that really something that sounds good to you? If so, I don't want to be your friend anymore. And you are nasty. You make me NASTY. But I can let you know where you can pick up a nice Chinese double toilet for only $1,400. Happy TwoDaLoo-ing!!

(This is the link where you can see the original web page right here. I don't know if the webpage will be there forever, so that's why I was sure to put in my favorite pictures and bits here on my page. I hope you enjoyed it)

What's in YOUR Purse?

My old neighbor Krista got "tagged" with a unique theme. Empty your purse and describe the contents therein. Usually this just means a list. But with BLOGS you can take pictures of all the crap that's there. This also inspired me to write the previous blog about my father's choice in wallet fashion. I think I've mocked him sufficiently on that one, but I do encourage you all to go back and read it. And enjoy the photo. That's my favorite part.

Anywhere, here are the contents of my purse

Firstly, the purse itself. I just stole this purse from my mom last week. It was a gift from her daughter in law (Denisse) and Denisse's mother. My mom is REALLY picky about her purses, and will spend HOURS looking for a new purse. I should know, I have been dragged on many such trips to Mervyns and/or JCPenny. But for her a purse has to have all those components that she needs: Lots of pockets that will hold all her keys and check books. At any given time she's carrying 20 keys for different properties and 5 different check books for her many trust & operating accounts.

Her big concern and complaint about this particular purse is that when empty, it's "too heavy" for her. Whatever, she's cuckoo and I will be benefiting from her craziness. Here is a picture of my purse:



And, like I said, I just changed purses, so I just cleaned this thing out just the other week. So if I had to do this last week, you would've seen more candy wrappers and less granola bars. But I've just cleaned it out to transfer all my stuff so it's the cleanest it's ever been.

But there is a stack of stuff I always transfer over. It looks like a lot, but it all fits into one pocket. Here is a picture of the contents of my one pocket.



I'm going to start on the top left and work down each row. That red thing is a pocket pack of sticky lint remover papers. When you have a short haired dog, you absolutely need these. Well, not really, but if you have a short-haired dog AND a psycho boss then you do. She'll tell me to either clean myself off or go home and change. And because I don't have any other work clothes, I have to have something to clean off the dog hair.

Next down is an old temple recommend. I know we are supposed to throw them away, but it's the one I got before I got married, back when I was a virgin and didn't know anything. I don't know why I'm keeping it. Maybe I still want to pretend I'm virginal. The green paper is a post-it note with the phone number of the Orem Community Hospital birthing center. I was supposed to go on Dec 13 to take a tour, but I forgot. But I still want to go, so I'm saving the phone number to call and set up a showing again. Wanna come Reagan? I know you will ask the questions I don't know yet to ask.

Next, my insurance card. I use this once a month so I need to have it close at hand. Next 2 Barnes & Noble Gift Cards. One has like $40 bucks on it, and the other on has $10. But I'm very particular about buying books until I know that I like them. I feel the same about movies. I like to check them out first, enjoy them for a short time and then return them. If I think about them over and over again and want to go back and read or watch them again, then I will buy it. So basically what I'm saying is that I need to read more, and then buy the books that I love.

Second row. At the top is a stack of pictures from my wallet in high school. Yes, it has pictures of ME and some of my friends and family from my high school years. I don't know why I still have them. I've been out of H.S. for 10 years. I should really get rid of them. But if you want, you can ask me to see them when you see me next. They'll make you laugh. Below that is a stack of post-its. Because they are just practical to have around. And then an Office Max rewards card that I use once a week in my job.

And then we have the Library cards. The white one is from the Chandler Public Library System in AZ. I got this card back in 2000 when I lived with Jeff & Tina for a summer. Again, why do I have it? When will I find myself in AZ, and in desperate need of some periodicals? Or needing to keep a couple of kids occupied for an afternoon? And yet, I won't get rid of it. Probably because I almost didn't get it, and I look at it as a badge of honor. Seriously!! It was harder to get that card than it was to get a driver's license! In BOTH the states of Cali and Utah!!! Why the national security? It's a freaking library card. But the Chandler Library system takes their card application procedures VERY seriously.

To the right of it is my yellow Humboldt County Library card. I actually DO use this card when I go back to Eureka. Well, my mom uses it more than I do. You can only check out 2 videos per card, so we get as many cards together and get as many videos as possible. This one I won't be getting rid of anytime soon. If I ever find the need to rid myself of it, I will mail it to my mom so she can keep it for future video checking out needs.

Next row. That long receipt is a free $10 to Pebbles in my Pocket. I'm going to need to go spend that before I leave the state of Utah. I think that Missouri will have lots of good things, but I don't know if awesome scrapbooking stores will be one of them. And then right below it is my old CA driver's license. It's no longer valid because it has a hole in it, but I still keep it around because I have the number memorized and if a store asks me to put my DL number on a check, that's the one I write on there. And I keep it around in case they ask to see it.

Finally, at the top of the last row is a copy of my marriage license. (This blog has become SOOO long. And I'm only half way through my purse!! Sorry, stop reading if you don't care anymore) This is why I will ALWAYS listen to advice from Reagan. About a month after I met her, we were in Spanish class and she was rummaging through her wallet, cleaning it out a bit. She pulled out a Xeroxed copy of her license and I saw it. I was confused, and she said, "oh, you should carry around a copy of your license for the first year or so of your marriage. Just until you get your name changed on everything"

I had never heard this before and I NEVER heard it from anyone else. And this has been the first of a MILLION pieces of rocking advice from Reagan. This little ditty got me back in to America from Mexico after my brother's wedding when I forgot to change my name on my passport in enough time. It got me out of at least 4 different scrapes that I can think of right now. Point Simple: Reagan=Freaking genius. The more recent pieces of genius advice she's given me are to not buy a car seat too heavy, because if it's heavy now, imagine with a 20 pound baby in it. And the other was that if you buy a Graco car seat, it will fit into any Graco stroller. That way you can avoid buying the whole "travel system" and save yourself some serious money. I LOVE YOU REAGAN AND YOUR FREAKING AWESOME ADVICE

At the bottom of the pile is a Starbucks card that has like $1.82 on it or something ridiculous like that. Again, why don't I get rid of it? Because when I go into Starbucks and get a Carmel Apple Cider some day, I will be able to save $1.82 off my final bill. There is also an emergency credit card with a HUGE limit (in case I need to buy some airline tickets to Ecuador, or something) and 2 free tickets to a movie theater. Any one want to come see a movie with me? I'm paying. . .

Whew. That was extensive. Now for the last pile of crap. Here is the picture:


It's basically the "necessary" items of my purse. I don't really need all the other crap that I just spend 45 minutes talking about. My wallet, my checkbook, chapstick, my Leatherman and my bag of Tums. I don't go ANYWHERE without that bag of Tums, or without my Leatherman. I have walked into many a government building or airport only to discover that it's in my purse and I have to run it back out to the car. It's just ALWAYS with me. And I use it a couple times a week. If you don't have one, GET ONE. You'll wonder how you lived without it.

The other things in that pile are things that I don't know where else to put, so I just carry them around with me. The little brown circle is a change purse Amy brought back for me from Brazil. I love it, and everyone who sees it loves it. It's made from Coconut shells, and it's awesome. The white circle is some cuticle cream. I need to use it more. It's very dry here in Utah. The black smaller square holds business cards. I leave them at homes when I do showings. I have about 500 of these cards, and I've only used about 25 of them in the 2 and a half years I've had my license. At least I didn't pay for them, right?

Finally, there is a granola bar and a pair of nylons. I didn't put my nylons on one day this week, so I put them in my purse so I could put them on at work. But I forgot about it, and I went home early from work so they've been in my purse this whole week. I'll be wearing them tomorrow, for sure. And the granola bar is something I usually carry around with me because it will curb the hunger momentarily. However, I usually have to follow it with Tums. Granola bars fall under the "sweet things" category that give me acid in my throat. But being hungry also causes the acid. So eating the granola bar is like jumping out of the frying pan into the fire. But like I said, it will curb the hunger situation for the time being. (You can't see from the picture, but that's just a wrapper. I ate it during the hour I've been typing this FREAKISHLY LONG post)

So that's my blog about my purse. You are sorry you asked, right Krista? That'll teach you.

My Dad's Wallet

This is a picture of my dad's wallet.



I took this picture back in October when he moved out here. I had to take it on the sly, but I still think it's a nice photo. It shows just how gay he really is deep deep down. In case you can't see the color, it's purple. And why yes, that IS a shiny brass buckle holding it together.

He, of course, picked this out ALL ON HIS OWN. When given free choice over his decision in colors, he usually chooses pinks, purples, mauves and other similar colors. I'm not kidding.

I don't really have anything else to say about this. I think the picture says it all.

Book Review-(Not That You Asked)

In keeping up my New Year's Resolutions, I am following the example of Beth's blog. She actually has a whole book review section. I don't think I'm going to go that far. But if you like my review enough let me know and i'll do more of these!

So this review is about this HILARIOUS book I was given by Matt, my co-worker, for Christmas. It's by guy named Steve Almond and is called (Not that You Asked): Rants, Exploits, and Obsessions. To answer your question, YES, half of the title is in parenthesis. But ALL of the book is freaking hilarious. Except for the Kurt Vonnegut part. But I'm getting too ahead of myself. Let me back up.

The book is just kind of a nice collection of short experiences, memoirs, essays and theories on life, love, kids and society in general. The book starts out with a series of letters to Oprah in the style of "Letters from a Nut." (If you don't know what I'm talking about, go to Borders or Barnes & Noble one of these days and just pick it up. All you need is about 2 minutes to read one of these letters to understand)

Well, in this book, the first letter is a pre-emptive rejection of Oprah. Yes, he rejects HER and says that he KNOWS she's thinking of choosing him to be her book of the month, but that he wants no part of it because Oprah is, as he puts it, "The Wal-Mart of hope."

The next letter is him realizing the mistake he's made, and he tries to make it up to her. He writes letter after letter becoming more and more desperate to recover from what he perceives as her coldness towards him because of his first letter. He doing everything possible to win her back doing crazy things like accusing Steadman (her boyfriend of too many years to count) of being "Snidely Whiplash-esque" and talking about how she got screwed out of the Oscar for the movie "The Color Purple".

The final letter says it's being accompanied with his 4 month old daughter, who he knows Oprah will raise with the same care she puts into her show. He even says that he's including along some breast milk because his daughter doesn't eat solid foods yet, and to please refrigerate it quickly.

After I read the first few pages of this book, I was SOOO excited to read the rest! This was going to be HILARIOUS!! Slams on Condoleezza Rice, blatant offending and then butt-kissing of Oprah? What could be better? But then the Vonnegut part begins.

I'm sorry, but I don't know who Kurt Vonnegut is. I've heard about his book "Slaughterhouse Five" but I've never read it. And after reading the first half of this little "Crushing on Vonnegut" diatribe, I didn't think I ever wanted to. Steve Almond talks about how he schemes and connives and finally scores a ticket to an author's forum with Vonnegut and other current authors. He talks about how the other authors are only interested in pimping their books, how they are too "naive" and "optimistic" about life, and how Vonnegut is the ONLY one that REALLY gets how life really is.

Honestly, it just seemed that Vonnegut was an old, crotchety, negative atheist. He readily admits that he is an atheist, and that the world is going to disintegrate and turn into dust in 12 years because we don't take care of it, and we don't take care of each other. Ok, maybe not as soon as 12 years, but he says it's DEFINITELY going that way, what with all these people's belief in GOD and what not. I didn't want to read about him and his negative theories on life anymore, and it was like this Vonnegut part was never going to end. So I stopped reading it back in January.

Anyway, It took me so long to finally pick up the book again and trudge through the rest of the Vonnegut pages. But I'm SOOOO glad I did. The rest of the book is back to being laugh out loud funny. He talks a lot about going through puberty and about the school and family humiliation that always seems to follow these horrible times. He talks about how he HATES the Red Sox based on the fact that they cost his beloved Oakland A's the championship back in the early 70's. He continues to hate them even though he's lived in Boston for years and even teaches at Boston College. He actually calls himself the "Red Sox Anti-Christ."

There is a huge part about how he almost became a VH1 reality show whore and an even BIGGER part about how he resigned from Boston College because they invited Condoleezza Rice to speak at the commencement ceremony. He actually was invited to the Hannity & Colmes show and he TOTALLY humiliated them by bringing up the Bill O'Reilly sexual harassment situation. As I've previously brought up, I detest Hannity and O'Reilly. I don't think I would consider myself a Democrat, but I HATE that if you call yourself a "Republican" you are immediately thought to align yourselves with scum like O'Reilly. So I don't know what I am. But I know who I don't like.

Anyway, the last part of this book is about the birth of his daughter and the many ways he could've killed her if someone wasn't there to supervise him. It makes me think that I am NOT READY to be a parent AT ALL. But his honest, true love for his daughter brought tears to my eyes in it's sincerity and truthfulness. I love my little gusano so much, but I know I will love it even more when I see it's little shining face. How can I possibly prepare for that? That's what the last chapter of the book tells me.

Anyway, most of my blog readers will like to know that while this book is wonderfully touching and true, it is NOT rated PG. Well, I would say that MOST of it is PG, but it has some DEFINITE rated "R" moments. Sadly, these moments were usually the ones that made me laugh out loud in quiet public places. I just wanted everyone to know that before they ran out and got the book.

You will LOVE this book, but don't say I didn't warn you. And what ever you do, DON'T be drinking anything when you read the story about when he was caught shoplifting or when he decides to have his girlfriend wax his chest. And especially when you read the last line of the book. Even to the end, hilarious.

Enjoy!

How bad it is

I forgot to post this funny story when I was talking about being sick. Last night I wanted to make sure I slept better than the night before. So I bought some VapoRub to spread all over my body at night. I've never bought VapoRub before, but from what I remember, it's pretty darn strong in the smell department. I mean, that's the point right? It's strong enough so that when you rub it on your neck, it still will reach your nose and your throat.

I stick my nose RIGHT DOWN into the jar and I get NOTHING. I can't smell anything. I rub it all over my neck and I can't smell it. I'm thinking somehow that I got the "non-smelly" kind. So then I proceed to put it all over my chest too. I'm like in a vacuum, and my body is telling me that there is nothing there.

But I walk over to my mom, and I'm like 5 feet away from her, and she's like "oh, you smell." So I guess it IS working! My sense of smell has always been so strong and I just feel hobbled without it. The other thing is that my nose is basically clear. I can breathe through it right now, it's not completely stuffed up. So I expect to be able to smell things because air is still moving through it. But it's not happening so much.

So here's to applying VapoRub nightly! Happy Rubbing!

Sick, Sick, SICKENING, Sick

Sunday night I started to get a sore throat. I was REALLY concerned that it was strep. That's because I spent about 3 hours in Reagan's house on Friday and her whole family had strep. Now, I don't think that Reagan is a dirty person, by any means. But all I had to do was touch ONE thing that hadn't been sanitized, and that would be the end of it.

However after I talked to her and compared symptoms, I decided it wasn't strep. And this was confirmed when the sore throat quickly gave way to congestion, a horrible PAINFUL cough with phlegm coming up, fever, chills, wheezing and my eyes being swollen with pain and pressure. I finally went to the doctor yesterday and they gave me an antibiotic prescription. I need to go pick it up at the pharmacy, but that involves like taking a shower, and maybe putting on clean underwear. And everyone KNOWS how overrated clean underwear is.

Also, because Jean is on a cruise this week, I haven't had the option of staying home those first few days I was getting sick. I've needed to be at work so I can train the new girls. But that will never help me get better, and so I decided to do something drastic today: I told a lie. I told them that my doctor said it was pneumonia and that I needed to do a 48 hour round of antibiotics before I come back to work. How bad is that of me? On a lie scale from 1 to 10, you know with the lowest being like when you tell a friend that her giant swollen ankles DON'T look like sausages about to pop out of their casings. That would be a 1. And a 10 is Jean and everything about her. So where does this little antibiotic lie fall on that scale?

So this is my current regimen: Halls, cough syrup (I checked with my OB to make sure it was ok to take) Vapo-rub, water and more Halls. I try not to do anything that will make me breathe too hard, because if I do that, my throat dries out and then I start coughing, and let me tell you, you do NOT want me to start coughing. I get going to hard that I puke, and then the things that come up are atrocious in color and consistency. Oh, it's not pretty.

I think that the WORST thing (well my worst thing anyway) is that my sense of smell is gone. That means that food is no longer appetizing because I can't taste it. So yesterday after Lisa and I went to the gym, I stopped at the Wal-Mart and got a GIANT King Sized Snickers Ice Cream Bar. (That was because Reagan always talked about how she ate them when she was pregnant, and I've been craving one for a few weeks now.)

I wasn't actually hungry, like I didn't really want to eat it, but my stomach was churning and telling me that I needed to eat something. So I inhaled the snickers, and then 2 packages of fruit snacks. But I really didn't want them. I also got a bunch of other junk food too, but I think it'll just sit in my car until I can smell it again and hence enjoy it. And that food thing is happening again right now. My stomach is telling me that it's empty, but I don't actually FEEL hungry. Maybe some toast. With jam. Raspberry

So why did Lisa and I go to the gym? Especially because I'm sick? Well, we went and just sat in the wet sauna. It was horrible at first because the walk to the gym from the car tore up my throat so badly with the freezing air, but the moment I got into that wet sauna, it was like a different person sitting there. My voice changed, my nose cleared, and it was HEAVENLY. I need to go do that every day. It's the only way to make myself feel better these days.

So, that is my goal for today: recover, go to the wet sauna, and try not to talk or even breathe too much. No one ever got anywhere by breathing.

Residual effects from the Temple

Do you notice how there are never any toilet seat protectors in the bathrooms of the temple? Apparently, not only can the Holy Ghost purify your heart, but it does a pretty good job on toilet seats too. I mean, the H.G. has to be more powerful than lye, what with all the old lady butts sitting on them. Just an observation.

For another great toilet story, click here. (This website is usually pretty PG-13, but this post is VERY much rated G.)

Happy Toliet times!!