My Horrible BO

Did you ever see that episode of Seinfeld where Elaine dates a "bad breaker-upper"? He's the guy who gets really upset when you break up with him, and so he says horrible things to upset you. He tells Elaine that she has a big head, and then things keep happening to confirm to her what he said. Some bird in the park flies into her head; a cab driver tells her to slump down because he says he can't see out of the back window with her giant head in the way. She starts to freak out about it, and Jerry tells her that the "bad breaker-upper" is getting to her.

Well, I had a little experience like that on Tuesday. Firstly, let me tell you about Monday. Jean has been on a cruise to Jamaica for the past week, and yet she comes back in a horrible mood. Can someone explain that to me? Why is she so intent on being miserable and taking everyone with her? I had a great week with her gone! I would think that she would've had a great week out of the office. Doesn't that seem logical? Not in Jean world.

Well, she came back with some of that Jamaican sand still stuck up her craw. And to make sure that I felt her misery, she decided to tell me just how horrible I am, and how to do my job. When I stood up to her and told her that maybe it would be better to keep the same system we have, the system that works, the system that we've worked years to perfect, she gets pissed that I am "fighting against her" and proceeds to ignore me for the rest of the day.

She also ignores me the next day. Whatever, I like it that way: it's easier to hide my disdain from her. But then at like 4:45 she decides it's time to talk to me about it. She pulls me into her office under the guise of talking about the Quickbooks files. She needs to tell me that I'm doing them all wrong, and that I need to go back and change things for the WHOLE YEAR. Now, Heather knows what a pain this because she's had to do it before. But we have a way to prevent this: we print off reports every month so Jean could review them bit by bit instead of having to wait till the end of the year and waste tons of time.

But does she review them? OF COURSE NOT!!! She doesn't look at them, and then at the end of the year, she finds all these problems. So guess who's blamed? You know it!! At the end of the year and I get yelled at for "not keeping accurate records." ARGH! So I get told to go back and change ALL the books for the whole year. SUPER!!

But like I said, this wasn't the real reason she wanted to talk to me. She wanted to tell me that she is upset that I'm overweight, and she thinks that I'm ugly. Of course can't say this to my face, so she has to find some "other" way to say it. So this is what she says, "Alicia, I think you need to focus on your personal appearance more." At this moment, I'm thinking she's going to bring up the fact that I haven't worn makeup to work in nearly a year. Or the fact that I haven't done my hair before coming to work for almost 15 months. That's what I'm thinking about. I am in no way prepared for what's about to come. She continues, "You know, I've noticed that you wear the same sweater every day. It's becoming a problem because everyone in the office has told me that as they walk by you, they smell a very strong B.O. smell coming from your sweater"

Stunned. I was NOT expecting that. But really, you think I smell? Me? And you can smell this so-called horrible BO through a shirt, a bra and a garment top? And this coming from the woman who lays out horrible old-woman farts and thinks that a little "cinnamon spray in a can" will cover it? Also, she CLAIMS to have a VERY sensitive sense of smell, but she can stay in a closed room with Suzette P. who I'm pretty sure only brushes her teeth once a quarter. (Suzette aspires to the European way of thinking which is that if you spray on enough perfume and pat on enough powder, then neither deodorant nor BATHING is necessary) Seriously, Heather and Lynn will back me up in telling me that "sense of smell" is NOT one of Jean's strengths.

So you are wondering how I responded, and what did I say, right? Well, I lied right back. I said, "Really? That's strange because I wash this sweater twice a week" "Oh, uhhh, well, um, let's talk about your attitude. . . " That's right!! I got a "change of subject" out of Jean. That means that she had nothing to say, she was stumped. The sweater/BO issue was never addressed again. (My "attitude" however was the topic of conversation for the next 45 minutes. It's what Jean always goes back to whenever she's losing an argument. Because she can't be wrong about her opinions about my attitude. And as everyone knows, Jean's opinion is like gospel law. Don't EVER try to contradict an opinion. You will always be wrong)

Well, I know where the comment came from: The new assistant Karley, is REALLY into her looks. She wears the heavy make-up and she has the acrylic nails with the hot pink sparkley tips. She's probably a size zero, but you can't tell from her face. She kind of has a fuller face, and a chin that's not very strong which gives the illusion of a somewhat double chin. But she's DEFINITELY a size zero. The girl has NO HIPS. Seriously, if she gets pregnant someday, that poor baby has NO CHANCE!! It will definitely have to be cut out of her.

Anyway, I actually like Karley. The first few days, she rubbed me the wrong way, because she had a "I know everything" attitude about her. But that's really calmed down this week. And she said I'm funny today, so you KNOW the girl can recognize talent! (Her actual words were "Do you just keep Marcelo laughing all the time at home? I mean, you have this way of telling just a normal story, and you make it hilarious!" I had to break it to her that my husband doesn't think I'm as funny as I think I am. Oh well, at least I keep myself entertained, right? That's all that matters)

Anyway, Karley looks nice every day. That is the point of my little rant. So I think that Jean wants me to look more like Karley. I think she's noticing that I don't have ANY variation in my wardrobe, I don't do anything to my hair besides the asexual pony-tail, and makeup is a thing of the past but she wants to tell me that my appearance bother her. But how to do that in a way that doesn't make her seem really selfish and superficial? What's the best way to tell your ugly and fat assistant that you want her to spruce up her outfits?

HOWEVER, she knows that she can't say anything because I'm not breaking any of her rules. Her little 37 point dress code? I'm following every single one. Just because she doesn't like my clothes doesn't mean I'm breaking the code. But she's trying ANYTHING to get me to change my clothes, and as everyone knows, lying is what Jean knows and what she does best. So she lies about my BO, with the hopes that I'll feel so self-conscious about the sweater that I'll never wear it again. GOOD TRY, HO BAG!!

Even thought I know all this, I STILL let her get to me. As soon as work is out I call Lynn and ask her if I have BO. I know that Lynn would tell me if I did. Well, lots of people would tell me to my face: Judd, Reagan, Lisa, Joel, etc. But Lynn actually spent 6 months with me, and she spent 5 months sitting 3 feet away from my "BO sweater" and crotch-sweat work pants and so she would know first hand if I really did have some bad smells going on every day.

She tells me that Jean is a whore, and that there is NO WAY that I have BO. I tell her that if I did, she could tell me, but she ASSURES me that I don't. See!! It's my "Elaine" moment, Jean made me believe the horrible lie just by suggesting it. So let's add this to the list of why Jean deserves to die a slow horrible death. Hopefully her death will involve people with BO attacking her. But she'll probably be able to escape from them, because she's so IN TUNE with the BO of others.

*CHANGE OF SUBJECT* On a food note, do you know what I want right now? I would kill someone for a Cinnabon. Doesn't that sound awesome. Warm with all that frosting on it. Oh my hell, I desperately want one now. Who knows where the closest Cinnabon is? And who wants to go there with me? Hands?