Rise And Shout

BYU is back. UGGHH! Seeing is how I live LITERALLY 20 feet away from BYU campus, (I come out of my parking garage and it's right across the street) on 900 East, you should know I am in prime location to see and experience the life of BYU students.

Were they always this loud? I don't remember being this loud, I swear. Were they always this annoying? Did they always sound so shrill and nasal as they screamed their re-encuentros with each other? I mean, I don't think I was like that. And if I was, how did I stand myself as a 17 year old freshman? How did I even survive my own being?

Blessings: Our apartment is pushed back from the street (more than the place we were living in 1 year ago) so the sound is much MUCH lower. Thanks for that because otherwise my kid wouldn't be able to sleep.

We are on the second floor so we are even THAT much farther away from the sounds. However, it also means that we have a direct line to the Kiwanis Park and all the FHE shenanigans that go on there

And finally, I am thankful for frownsmiles. I pass them out liberally to every annoying BYU kid I see. Which is almost any of them. I SWEAR I wasn't this annoying . . .was I?

MFEO

5 Years ago today I. . . .

Was late to the temple
Wore a purple bra to my sealing
Forgot my hideous blue plastic watch was still on, (and hence am now forever sealed to it, as Judd recently reminded me)
Didn't look at my husband during the sealing
Was surrounded by my best friends and family
Translated for my husband while the sealer talked
Was in San Diego
Hap-Hap-Happy to be married

Here are a few ways that we know we are MFEO *Made For Each Other*

1. We both hate avocados. We both literally wince/gag when we see one or it's by-products (guacamole)
2. We both like to cuddle in bed
3. We both forget important dates like birthdays and anniversaries
4. We, neither one, gets upset when the other forgets important days like birthdays and anniversaries.

Happy Anniversary. Here's hoping we can remember next year! (And that we'll have more money so we can do something awesome)

Lists

So here are some things that I have been pondering lately. I made some lists for you:

Top 5 actresses I like and who I *hope* do NOT turn out to be like Lindsay Lohan. i.e. I hope they don't go down in a flaming ball of booze and failing to wear panties to social events
1. Dakota Fanning- Brilliant little girl and she knows it. Watch the SNL sketches about her. Priceless.
2. Scarlett Johansson- I like her better as a brunette. And she has pretty big boobs so you know she's always going to wear the right underwear!
3. Tina Fey- I mean, we know she'll never be trash, but still, I hope she makes 30 Rock forever. That show makes me howl!
4. Zooey Deschanel. Have you seen her? Do you know who I'm talking about? She's so freaking adorable! I think she's going to be awesome in that new 500 Days movie. We just all need to make sure she's got a full supply of chones so she doesn't get caught "Lohaning"
5.Beyonce:Mostly a singer, but kind of an actress. And it doesn't matter, because it's my list, and I love her. I can't help it. She's just so classy. PLUS, I caught my mom watching one of her videos last fall. And then my mom would always say, "Oh, I'm going to one of those single's dances. With all my single ladies (all my single ladies)" My mom would actually repeat it twice like the song!! Anyone that can make my mom make reference to a pop song is awesome. Let's mail her some chones. Those bodysuits she's been wearing lately could ride up and show a "Half-Lohan"

5 Actresses That Can Eat It. (i.e. ones I wouldn't care if they never made a movie again and if I never heard about them ever again. Oh, and who I would be happy to hear had a "Lohan" happen to them at the Oscars/Golden Globes):
1. Sienna Miller- I call her "The Poor Man's Nicole Kidman". Name 1 movie she's been in. . . other than the G.I. Joe movie that is coming out and has been WAAAY too publicized. Cant' do it, can you? Seriously, every time I see her in an interview I want to gag. BLEECH. I bet she pulls a "Lohan" in the next month.
2.Kate Holmes- Also for her, can you name one movie she's been in? Why is she on the news? I don't care what she wears! She's not MYYY fashion icon. She can suck it.UGH, I'm so sick of her. We need to go steel all her chones so she is forced to "Lohan"
3. Britney Spears:Again, she's *mostly* a singer, but I am done hearing about her. And she HAS pulled a "Lohan" several times!! Once you go Lohan, you never go back to being classy. Because any time you are Googled from then on, there is a pic of your whoo-haa that pops up. Blech.
4. Madonna. Even though Evita is one of my favorite movies of all time, her arms scare me. And she's just too preachy these days. But really, it's mostly her arms that scare me. She should keeps those things wrapped up at all times! No one needs to see that!
5. Lindsay Lohan. I feel like I need to put her on this list because I've made a verb out of her. Wouldn't we all do great with a lot less "Lohaning" going on in Hollywood these days? I know I sure would!! And I hope she never makes another movie again, even if she DOES wear chones through most of it.

Moving on.

The 5 favorite Shows Currently on my Tivo:
1. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. I can't describe this show to you. It's about these friends that own a bar, but they are horrible people, vain and stupid and yet so funny. Buying gas to sell at a profit, "Girls Night Out", the horrible way they treat The Waitress, etc!! It's one of the few shows Marcelo and I watch together. My brother just asked me last month if I watch it. And I had to tell him I've seen ALLLL the episodes thanks to Tivo. "I LOVE YOU TIVO!!"
2. Toddlers and Tiaras. I know I have already talked about this show on a previous post. But the second season just started on TLC and you will NOT BE DISAPPOINTED!!! Put it on your Tivo, set your VHS, etc. This season they have already had several "stage dads". WHY DO YOU MAKE ME LAUGH SO HARD I PEE MY PANTS, TLC? WHHYYYYY?
3. 30 Rock. I know I've already talked about Tina Fey today. But seriously, why is she so funny? I was watching some old episodes I have saved on Tivo, and that woman is brilliant. Thank you, Lorne, for first putting her as a cast member and then letting her have her own show. Thank you thank you Thank you!!
4. Jamie At Home. Jamie Oliver (AKA the Naked Chef) is a genius. Makes real food "not mucked around with" (in his words). Everything has a splash of olive oil, and everything has chilies in it. I don't get his chili obsession, but everything else looks good. He has this outdoor wood burning oven that makes me want one so badly!! And he has the easiest bread recipe I've ever seen! Makes me hungry just thinking about it.
5. Wipeout. The American version of "MXC" (Most Extreme Elimination Challenge) from Japan. When Marcelo laughs REALLY hard, like the crying laughing, he sounds like a woman. His voice gets so high. I LOVE HEARING HIM LAUGH LIKE THAT! And this show makes him do it every time. Now our child is trained and she recognizes the show. When she sees it start, she gives a condescening chuckle and looks to us for support to help her laugh with the show too. That's my girl!

Well, that's my list for now. Thanks for reading it. Or skimming it. Whatever you do, make sure you wear your chones, ladies. Except you, Lindsey Lohan. I don't give a crap if you wear yours or not. You're never coming back, girl.

Swim At Your Own Risk

This morning while trying to distract my child from lifting my shirt and trying to get in her morning feeding (That's right!! Down to just the night time feeding people!! It's almost over!!!) I caught about 3 minutes of NBC's Today. It was enough to enrage me and start me shouting into the other room at Marcelo. I wasn't shouting AT Marcelo, it was something I was discussing loudly about what I saw on TV and he happened to get to hear it. It was about lifeguards.

Apparently, in NY there have been several lifeguards caught with earphones on, or seen texting or even one was asleep in his chair. I think this is crazy, and irresponsible of them. Especially because they are lifeguards on the beach, where tides pull people out very quickly. I think beach lifeguards are amazing and I think that if I got pulled out to sea, I would want to make sure my lifeguard wasn't listening to Eminem instead of watching me.

However, this is not what enraged me. The report went on to talk about how there have been several deaths so far at water parks in different states. And then they said that a Texas boy, 5 years old, had drowned and they were going to talk to his parents.

The blood started to boil. I knew where this was going.

Parents: "He was out of my sight for only 5 minutes. Just 5 minutes and then he drown RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE LIFEGUARD CHAIR (You should know that the chair was empty at the time. It wasn't an "Eminem" situation. Just FYI)"

Red flames licking at my eyes. I must rage. I must vent. Here I go. . .

Item #1: You only have to be 15 years old to be a lifeguard. How many 15 year olds would you trust with your kids? Would you go up to some random 15 year old kid coming out of Hot Topic with his spikey purple hair and say, "Hey, I want to go lay out on a towel today in the sun. Can you please watch my 5 year old kid swim for a few hours? He really doesn't know how to swim all the way, but I'm sure he'll be fine. Oh, 100 other parents have also asked you to do the same? Well, that's ok, I'm sure nothing will happen to any of those kids. Just make sure you watch mine extra close. I'll just be over on that towel reading a Danielle Steele novel, making sure I get in 'me time'. So if my kid starts to drown, you'll let me know, right? Thank you, random 15 year old boy. I'm sure I can trust you because I just saw you for the first time 5 minutes ago"

But this is what you do every day!! You trust that some 15 year old kid was NOT just smoking pot out in his car during his break and that he'll be able to see your kid drown out of the other 150 kids in the sun baked and highly blinding water. That's crazy!

Item #2: When lifeguards practice and train, I would say that 80% of our "continual education" is used to practice deep spinal injuries. You know the kind where someone jumps off the diving board and smacks their head and sinks to the bottom. We practice those things over and over again. We spend all our time learning how to stabilize your neck so as to not make sure you aren't paralyzed as we pull you from the water. However, 99.99999% of the "saves" we do are pulling your 2 or 3 year old kid out when he starts to drown. Lifeguards are not there to save your 3 year old when he's in the 5 foot lap lane. We are there to make sure you are safe and that when you smash your head on the diving board and sink to the bottom of the diving tank (12 feet of water or more) you aren't paralyzed as we yank you to the surface.

Item #3: Having your 7 year old watch your 3 year old DOES NOT COUNT. How many times did I pull a kid out of the water only to ask "where is your mom?" and he say "I don't know" and then 2 min later his 7 year old brother rushes up to him and say, "Oh, That's my brother. I'm watching him." Really? You were watching him? Then why was he drowning when I jumped in after him? And by the way, where is your mother? If you point to ANYWHERE else than right next to you in the pool, I'm going to be pissed. And I'm going over there to talk to her. And I will probably embarrass her in front of her friends.

Item #4: Or even better!! I pull your 2 year old out of the water because he is drowning, and he starts crying. He can't tell me where mom is, and I take him inside to the lifeguard station. 15 minutes pass: no mom. 30 minutes pass: no mom. After 45 minutes, some mom comes in *frantic* because her kid is missing. I ask for a description of her child and guess what!! He's right there. I tell her that he needs to be accompanied all the time at the pool. She glares at me and smacks her kid as they walk from the station. RIGHT!! LIKE IT'S THE KID'S FAULT YOU ARE A CRAPPY MOM!!!

The pool is not "Mom takes a vacation while one kid watches the other" time. Here's the rule:8 and under have to be with someone 15 or older. Do you think your kid is a great swimmer? GREAT!! Most pools let your young child "challenge" the rule and get a special pass to swim alone! There's a way around all of it!! But I just want you to watch your kids. Am I making that clear yet?

Item #5:
I want to open my own pool. My #1 rule will be: NO PEEING IN THE POOL. But #2 Rule will be: NO LIFE JACKETS, WATER WINGS, "MUSCLE MAN" SUITS OR ANY OTHER FLOTATION DEVICE ALLOWED TO BE STRAPPED TO YOUR CHILD AT ANY TIME!!

Life jackets are NOT safe. I personally pulled a 2 year old girl out of 3 inches of water. She was wearing one of those suits and her father turned his back and started chatting to his friend. We were by the "0 level entry" part of the pool, and she tripped on something and fell into 3 inches of water. Face down, couldn't put her arms in front of her or roll over to the side because of the stupid "muscle man" suit she was wearing. Luckily I was 7 feet away from her. Her father was only 2 feet away. He didn't notice.

She would've drown.
In 3 inches of water.
Wearing a muscleman suit.
Standing 2 feet from her father.

Which brings me to my next point:

Item #6: GET YOUR KIDS SOME LESSONS!!! Kids as young as 1 year old can learn how to flip, float on their backs and kick to the side. That's all your kid needs to save it's life. Kids 2 and up should be able to propel themselves in the water going forward. Can your kid do that? Yeah? Then they are on their way to that "independent swimmer" test at age 5!! Do they scream when they hit the water and cling to you like a wet t-shirt on a Spring Break hussie? Maybe you shouldn't take your hand off them for one second at any time in the pool! When do I start getting paid for these comments/ideas?

And Finally,
Item#7: Your child can drown in 30 seconds. That's 30 sec to be completely under and unconscious. It only takes FIVE seconds to start to panic and swallow enough water to do damage. I'm not kidding you. Have you ever stopped looking at your kid for 5 seconds? ME TOO!! But around water? Are you kidding me? People need to wake up and take some responsibility.

Hey, couple from Texas who lost their 5 year old? I'm really sorry. I'm really sorry you are idiots. I'm really sorry you didn't teach your child to swim, and then you let him swim alone, and then you relied on a 15 year old who was watching hundreds of people to make sure he was safe. I'm sorry your son is dead. Maybe if you did the job you were supposed to, your son wouldn't be gone.

I have NO SYMPATHY for people like that. KEEP YOUR HANDS ON YOUR KIDS IN THE POOL. And get some swim lessons.

This has been my rant for the day.

Good day!

I SAID GOOD DAY!

Dinner & A Movie

Do you have good movie memories? Movies that just make you smile every time you catch a re-run of them on TV? Movies that can be so old, but you will still waste 2 hours on a Saturday watching them because you love them? I'm sure you do. Here are a few of my faves that will always make me stop and waste time:

Overboard
A Christmas Story
The Wedding Crashers
Ghostbusters
Ghostbusters II
Pretty in Pink, Breakfast Club, 16 Candles, Say Anything. (80's John Hughs classics, etc)
Mr. & Mrs. Smith
Hook
and of course. ..
Ferris Bueller's Day Off

Why these movies and not others? I don't know!! Some are just enjoyable, others have good childhood memories. But for some, like Ferris Bueller, I can quote near 95% of the movie due to the fact that I watched it so many times growing up.

But today Marcelo watched it for the first time. He laughed at all the good parts, oohed at the meaningful moments, and was properly shocked when that car went flying out of the building through the glass window. It made me feel awesome that he enjoyed a movie that was so beloved to me.

How weird does that make me?

And one final question: In your opinion, was Ghostbusters II as good or better than the first? In my 9 year old mind it was better. But what is your take on it?

SOMEONE PICK UP THE PHONE!

I have a huge pet peeve about the phone. It's not talking on the phone. I don't mind that. I rarely get calls so I don't have the nerve to whine about how I HATE to talk to people. Seriously, no one calls me.

But I ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS pick up the phone. You can bet that when you call me, I will pick up the phone 86% to 98% of the time. If I miss it cause I didn't hear it or if couldn't reach it in time, I always call right back. Like while people are leaving me a message. If I don't pick up your call during normal waking hours, (i.e 6:00 am to 11:30 pm) you can bet I'm doing one of the following:

1)Sleeping
2)In the Shower
3)Avoiding you

But I don't avoid anyone! And during any other activity I will pick up the phone. This includes during dinner and while I'm on the toilet. Yup, that's right. Did you ever suspect you heard the toilet flush when you were talking to me? Chances are that wasn't your imagination. Or did I ever put you on hold for only like 4 seconds? Yes again. That was me muting, flushing and then walking out of the bathroom quickly. I ALWAYS answer the phone.

(Warning!! Gratuitous caps lock to follow!)

WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE? WHY DOESN'T ANYONE ELSE ANSWER THEIR PHONES? WHY, WHEN I'M TRYING TO CALL PEOPLE TO TELL THEM SOME NEWS, DO THEY AVOID MY CALLS, THUS MAKING ME PISSED OFF AND NOW NOT WANTING TO SHARE MY NEWS WITH THEM ANYMORE?!?!

DON'T BOTHER CALLING ME BACK IN 45 MIN! THE NEWS IS DEAD, I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU ANYMORE!

And I can't reach anyone right now. No one. None of my siblings (I tried ALLL FIVE OF THEM), not my mother or my aunt or my cousin (who is the real person I need to talk to ). I'm so frustrated I want to scream.

ANSWER THE PHONE, PEOPLE!! And on a similar note: ANSWER YOUR TEXTS!!

Please don't make me do this again!

Weaning

Weaning is horrible.

It is horrible and terrible and I'm considering nursing my child until she is 4 just to avoid doing it.

(Not really)
(Well, kinda)

It is not a one day thing. I can't just wake up one day and say, "I want to be done feeding" and have it happen. I am not one of those women who has their milk just magically dry up. I'm not one one of those people who says "I tried to breast feed her for a year but after 6 months, my milk just gave up!"

I actually know there are a lot of you out there reading my blog. I have nothing to say to you. I just don't get it!! Someone please explain that to me. How does your milk just run out? Aren't your boobs leaking milk every night? Don't you wake up in a puddle of your own making? Don't you stand in the shower and your milk shoots out hitting the wall 2 feet away? Doesn't this happen to you for the first 8 or 9 months of nursing? So seriously, how does one's milk run out?

That is SO not me. So not my family. We have plenty of milk. You all know that. I won't go into details (That would be the first time, right?) But this post is about me trying to reduce the amount of milk my body makes.

It is not pleasant. Within 2 hours of purposefully missing a feeding, (you know cutting down from 3 feedings to 2 a day) my poor ladies have rock hard nodules in them and are pulsing with pain. Picking up my baby makes them throb and if anything (a hand, my wrist, my baby's hand) brushes over any part of them (the side, the front, the middle) I shout out in pain. I'm counting down the hours to when she can eat right before bed.

On Tuesday, when I did this, my poor girls were so throbbing with pain they ached just as I stood in my kitchen. I finally got my child to eat right before bed, and she couldn't grab on to the nipple!! My boobs were so engorged that they had pushed out around my nipple rendering it almost flat. She tried to grab it once, twice, curled her lips into her mouth against the sensation (it was like she was trying to nurse from a rock) and then. . . .SHE PULLED HER HEAD BACK TO EXAMINE MY BOOB.

She looked at it quizzically as if to say, "It looks the same, it smells the same, but that sure don't feel like normal!!" She then tried one more time, and this time she just forged ahead. It was painful, just like those first days of feeding (you all remember those, right?) but soon the pain dissolved into relief. Sweet sweet relief. It will take 2-3 weeks for my body to get back to where it was previously. And then I just have to do it 2 more times.

So now you know. And seriously, if you see my kid sucking my teat when she comes home from an especially hard day of Kindergarten, please don't judge me.

"Never judge a woman until you've gone a day in her bra."

Truer words were never spoken.