Clown Pants

I'm losing weight. Anyone who has seen me int he last 6 months is thinking "DUH!" But that's not what I want to talk bout today. Today I want to talk about clothes. And pants in particular. Because even though I've lost 60 pounds, I'm not ready to buy pants yet.

TIME OUT!

DO NOT SAY "THAT IS AWESOME, ALICIA!" WHATEVER YOU DO.

Here's why: before you start to congratulate me, you should know I don't need to hear it. No really. If I do, I might start thinking that 60 pounds is "good enough" when really it's not. It's not where I should be, and I want to lose more. So don't tell me that it's "terrific" and "wonderful" . Instead you should say, "only 60? I mean, it's been like 7 months already! the people on Biggest Loser pound that out in like 4 weeks!" That's the kind of things I need to hear. That's going to keep me going.

TIME IN!

Anyway, I have serious buyers remorse and shopping aversions. I have VERY large feet, so shoe shopping is out. And for many years I couldn't find anything that fit me unless it was in the "clothes for large woman who want to be skinny but don't lose weight so instead we just make our clothes in the styles that were made for skinny women but on large women they look ridiculous" store. And usually those stores are crazy expensive. Because that's all a chubby girl needs. . . LESS MONEY TO FEEL WORSE ABOUT HERSELF.

Or you can go to my favorite runner up store for "people who are cheap, nasty, or are between sizes and don't want to pay full price for a pair of pants that they hope to not fit them in 3 months". You know what I'm talking about: THE D.I.

But before I tell you about my D.I. shopping trip, you should know that I made a deal to "reward" my weight loss with different things I needed. Like a new pair of church shoes (after i lost 30 pounds) and a new pair of pants after I lost 50. HOWEVER, when I got to the point of losing 50 pounds, I realized that my clothes weren't hanging off me like I wanted. I didn't want to buy any new clothes until my pants had become "clown pants" and were only being held up by a pair of ridiculous suspenders. (Or a belt that cinches things tight and makes it all bunch up around my middle. Whichever you prefer)

So, I rely on the D.I. And I did it when my mom is in town. And there is nothing that makes my mom happier than going to the D.I. She could (and often does) spend hours there. Talking on the phone, wandering the isles, and usually coming home with some sort of slotted spoon, alarm clock radio and/or juice pitcher. Those are the kinds of things she gets. And why not? I don't blame her for going there to find cheap housewares. What I DO blame her for is taking 2 and a half hours to find those things.

Anyway, as I went to the D.I. and looked for pants, I was reminded that they have the most ridiculous labeling system known to man. Because they only have 4 categories for all clothes ALLLLLL CLOTHES. Baby clothes, child clothes, men, women, plus size. It is ALL put into one of the following categories: S, M, L or XL. So you can imagine my frustration.

And jeans, there are so many of them! So many styles, and so many old pairs. But there are really REALLY nice jeans there too. So you may be sorting through a stack of "mom pants" and the happen upon a pair of Lucky's or Silver's. And they have OF COURSE been mis-labeled and are in the "L" section but really they are like a size 6. (Because D.I. employees don't understand that some pants are labeled with NUMBERS. It's a novel concept, I know)

But that's not my real problem. My real problem is that it's been so long since I've tried on jeans I'm talking YEARS. Maybe 3+ years? Just too long. And you may ask what I wore instead of Jeans? Well, I will tell you that I didn't go out much. And when I did it was usually in some sort of PJ pants or exercise/stretch pants (I'm so sorry Judd! I'm so nasty! At least they weren't gathered with elastic at the bottom or otherwise tapered. . . usually) And here is the point of all this ranting: Because it's been so long that I've even tried on a pair of pants (let alone gone into a store that SELLS pants), I don't know what is cool anymore. Dark denim? Medium colored denim? The "faded" look? Acid wash?Do people wear flared jeans now? Boot cut? Straight leg? Is everyone wearing those "skinny" jeans? Who over the age of 11 (that's a PRE-PUBESCENT 11, mind you) looks good in those? Is that what I have to wear now? Does it have to say "Ed Hardy" down the side or have holes in the knees?

I just don't know. So when I found several pairs that would work for me, I tried to decide which were the "coolest" and buy those. To judge what the current styles in pants were, I decided to look around at the D.I. to see what others were wearing.

HINT: NEVER LOOK TO SHOPPERS IN D.I. FOR ANY KIND OF FASHION RULES! There were plaid shorts and lots of camel toe to be seen. \

Not helpful. I had to wing it on my own. I think i did a good enough job.

In any event, I hope to say that they have become clown pants and are falling off of me in 3 months. Here's hoping, right?

And because my GOOD GOOD friend Lynn writes me and tells me she misses my blog and then sends me hilarious videos to inspire me to write posts, you can thank her for this video. I think that ALL my Body Rolls should have a song about them.