Great First Impressions

I'm a real estate agent. I just thought you should know that. I'm going to put it out there in case anyone wants to use me for my mad house buying skills. (or selling for that matter. I'm good at both)

Anyway, a friend of a friend has asked me to help she and her husband buy a house. I agreed. This buyer and her husband, who we will call "Mr. and Mrs. Awesome" met me at a house yesterday afternoon so we could take a look at it. Now, you have to know that up until this moment, I had never met Mrs. Awesome face to face. Mr Awesome and I met several years ago, but not his wife. But I feel like I've known her for a long time, I really respect her, and I didn't want her to think I was a mental patient. I wanted to be "super effective real estate girl" and show her my house savvy and showing expertise. Basically, I wanted to make a good impression.

I am clearly setting the stage here for disaster. Wait for it. . . .

All was going well, until we went in the back yard and looked around. There was some talk about my bulimic child, some talk about the serious hedge trimming needed in the jungle of a backyard and then we moved on. But not before I noticed a definite poop smell. I looked around, but couldn't see anything so I chalked it up to the fact that we were walking by the trash can.

Proceed to more talk about the random chimney coming out the west side of the home and the spidery basement with a very large and very suspect weed growing INSIDE the bottom window. And there again, was the wiff of poo. At this time, Mrs. Awesome lifted her shoes to look at them, but they were clean. I said that I suspected the trash. I assume she believed me. Or maybe she thought that I had farted and was blaming it on the trash. Who knows. But I bet she didn't. She is, after all, awesome.

After she and likewise awesome husband are done looking at the home, I tell them there is a paper I want them to have and so we walk to my car. It is at that time, that Mr. Awesome says the first complete sentence of the afternoon. (previously he was communicating in mono-syllabic responses, head nods and shoulder shrugs) His words to me? "You hit a land mine"

I thought he was talking about my car, which was my brother's car I was borrowing for the day, and I was worried he was saying I hid something with it. I was worried. But oh no, he pointed to my shoe where a very obvious and very squishy dog turd was still clinging to BOTH sides of my brand new shoes. Brand new, $100 running shoes that took me 3 weeks and many returns to find the right fit and style I wanted. (I have to order shoes online because I have what Marcelo calls "patas" meaning animal feet. THANKS HON!! oh, and THANKS MOM for the large foot gene you passed down)

I don't have lots of money. These shoes were a sacrifice. And they are now completely wrapped in poo. Going up the sides of the shoes, in the bottom nooks, crannies and crevices of the tread. THERE IS POO EVERYWHERE. And I am humiliated. How else can this appointment go wrong? Can I maybe fall down and put my hand IN the poo? Can I lock my keys in the car? Can I do my Chris Rock impression and be racially offensive? Let's try our best to make a total spectacle of ourselves now, Alicia!

I go over to the grassy part of the front yard (hard to find because there is much lacking in the landscaping) and try VERY UNSUCCESSFULLY to get this dingle-berry off my shoe. It is not cooperating. I look silly, feel stupid, and want to just crawl in my car and die. And then I notice that Mr Awesome is digging around in the trunk of his car. He comes up with a plastic bag and says, this is for your shoe. MR. AWESOME!! YOU SURELY LIVED UP TO YOUR NAME TODAY!!! And that's not the end of it. He goes over and finds a wood chip on the ground and then tries to talk me into giving my shoe to him so he can scrape the poo off of it!!!!!

Can the humiliation never end? My client is trying to scrape the poo off MY shoe? Absolutely not!! I told him that I would just take off my shoe and drive home sock-footed. He didn't want to let it happen. I think he was moments, seconds away from crouching down on the ground. I seriously had to get out of there!! Next he was going to tell me that I should wear his shoes home so I wasn't driving with just a sock!! I have to flee!! Which is what I did. In one shoe. But not before I told them right as we parted that I was just lucky that it didn't get anywhere else. (like on the cuff of my pants)

But then I discovered some things when I got home:

1)This turd was the size of Texas. I think it was from like a great dane or maybe several dogs all pooping in the same spot. It must've been the size of a grapefruit. And how did I miss it? Because of the really tall grass. Did you miss the part about how the back yard was a jungle?

2)I did get it on my pants. But not on the cuff. On the back of my calf. How did it get there? And before I found it I was traipsing all over my house, and picking up my baby and sitting on chairs with the poop pants! UGH

3) I went home and started scrubbing my shoe, and I pulled about a half a cup of poop out of my shoes when I got home. And not just poop, but leaves and grass and small rocks. I gagged several times. I scrubbed those little tread crevices for what seemed liked hours, and the poop still didn't come out. I used toothpicks in the grooves, and the stench of poo was still there. Seriously, how did I not see a pile of poo that big?

4) After doing all that I woke up this morning and I went to look at my shoe and found that it was STILL smelly. After all that! So I gave up and threw it in the washer. (Thanks Sister In Law Tina for teaching me how to wash my running shoes in the washing machine!) And then I threw the other shoe in there as well for good measure. And everything I was wearing yesterday went in too. Because apparently that poop has magical powers and can leap from my shoe to the back of my pants and then from there who knows?!?!? It's better safe than sorry. DAMN YOU MAGICAL POOP!!

The point of the story? If you want to impress your super Awesome clients, just be aware that deceptive and thwarting poop will make you look like an ass every time. Guaranteed.

And if you hire me as your agent, I JUST MIGHT put on Act II of the "Great Poop Caper '09". Maybe this time I'll get BOTH shoes. Just you wait and see.

2 Book Reviews: Holidays on Ice AND We Two

Holidays on Ice by David Sedaris


My rating: 5 of 5 stars
David Sedaris is a genius. Favorite story from this book? The one about the woman in Macy's having a panic attack due to all the people and collapsing to the ground flailing her arms as if she were being attacked by bats. BY BATS?!?! I laughed so hard I started coughing and then almost threw up. NO JOKE!!

The first story (about the author's time as an elf in Macy's "SantaLand" in NYC)is by far my favorite. But all of them are very good. This book has half a dozen "vignettes" about the holidays, traditions and short fictional stories about how the season of giving really brings out the nasty in all of us. There is another great GREAT story about Halloween and Dave's reluctance to share candy. I howled at that story too. And I recounted it for Marcelo a few days later and he laughed too.

This is a short read-took me about an hour and a half. So you can get it and finish it quickly and then get back to the big historical non-fiction book about the English Monarchy in the 1850's that you are currently working on. What? Isn't everyone else doing that right now?

Be sure to read it in time for the holidays!! Now bring on the turkey!

We Two: Victoria and Albert: Rulers, Partners, Rivals by Gillian Gill


My rating: 5 of 5 stars
This was another book that I picked up 100% based on the cover. Something about the title in italics and being able to see it across the room. It was purely visual. But after reading the inside cover I was interested enough to check it out. And then after the first few pages I was hooked.

I totally thought this would be another "Seabiscuit" like "Woman and the Sea" was. Like full of drama and intrigue and royal politics. It was less Woman and the Sea and more "A&E Biography". But still it was sooo SOOO interesting.

This book is LOOOONG. And by long I mean that it took me more than 1 day to finish. It took me several. And it's complicated. It's not an easy skim read. And it's very difficult to keep all the people straight because they all name their kids the same things!! Leopold the 1st, 2nd. George III, George IV, Victoria (called Victoria) and Victoria (Called Vicky). So confusing.

But again, I was sucked in. It's so interesting. But maybe that's me. I find English history intriguing. Where the lineage comes from, and where it's going. How they all marry with one another. Albert and Victoria (the main subjects of the book) were first cousins. As in his father was her mother's brother. FULL ON BLOOD RELATED. And it didn't help the kids. Their youngest boy had "hemophilia" a blood disease, and almost all her daughters were carriers of the disease. And then they went out and married Prussians, Germans, Spaniards and Russians and then made THEIR kids sick. DON'T MARRY YOUR COUSINS ANYMORE, YOU CRAZY BRITISH.

But what I really liked was how this was a very good history lesson. A lesson in social aspects of the 1800's, lessons in disease, lessons in male/female/royalty relationships. The author gives a great background on all things. And like I said, you are sucked in.

I haven't talked much about the main story of Albert and Victoria. And that's because I still don't know how I feel about it. Albert was a HUGE misogynist. He was 100% assured that the fact that he was a man made him superior to all women, especially his wife. And yet, he married a woman with ALL the power, and who for the first few years of their marriage wouldn't even let him listen in when she talked to her prime minister or read letters that she wrote to parliament. But then she would defer to him and say he was her husband and leader and he was always right and beg his forgiveness when they fought.

I'm telling you, their relationship was so weird. Just weird. I don't know how to describe it. But there was love. Always love. I will say that. They loved each other passionately, completely and till the end. While the "Victorian" era gets its name from the Queen this book is about, in truth, Albert has lots to do with instituting and implementing the values that Victorians prized. i.e. frugality, chastity, morality, family. He was the one that cleaned up the castles from the stink and grime in the people and in the atmosphere.
Did you know he came to his wedding bed a virgin (UNHEARD OF for a prince in the 1840's)) and hence made sure that his wife didn't get a venereal disease and became barren. She thanked him for his virtue by giving him 9 kids (4 of them boys, which you know are WAY better than girls. Boys are like flesh and blood gold to monarchs) And those 9 kids came in like 17 years. In her first year of marriage she gave birth TWICE! [Blog owner's note!! Actually, she gave birth twice in the same YEAR. Sorry, I had that wrong. Her marriage was in Feb of 1840 and she gave birth 9 months later-Nov 1840. And then 1 year later, she gave birth again- Nov 1840. Sorry for the confusion. On my part]That woman was a factory. Poor girl.

Ok, this is a long review. I wanted you all to know that I really REALLY liked this book. Make sure you dedicate several days to it. It's so interesting. But I'm still not sure how I feel about Victoria and Albert. . .I'll let you know if I make up my mind.

Boy? Girl? Will there be a quiz on this later?

Confession: You know that movie Panic Room? The one with Jodie Foster? It came out on my mission, so the first time I caught it was after my mission. So when I saw it the first time I think it was on TV and I think I missed like the first 5 minutes of it.

I HATE MISSING THE FIRST 5 MIN OF MOVIES!!! And the first 5 minutes of this one were pretty important. You found out about the woman and her . . . child.

I say child because as soon as the movie started and her "child" showed up, I didn't know if it was a boy or a girl!! She never said the child's name and since I had missed the first few minutes, I didn't hear her talk about him/her when they weren't there. And of course to the kid's face, she only said "dear". I couldn't concentrate on the movie because I kept trying to find out if it was a boy or a girl.

And this continued for well into half the movie. I distinctly remember that there was a "suspenseful" moment when her child is trapped and needs medicine for the asthma attack it's having. And I remember not at all worried about the child. I was not in suspense about the life of the child. I was only in suspense about the sex of the kid. I JUST WANTED TO HEAR IF IT WAS A BOY OR A GIRL!!! And Jodie Foster says. "My CHILD IS DYING!!" What is the matter with her? Why can't she say "My son is dying" or "My daughter is dying". What the crap is the matter with that mom?

Anyway, I hardly watched the movie, or cared what happened. I think Jodie Foster won? Maybe? And eventually I found out that it's a girl. And not just any girl. The Twilight girl. The girl that you can't pass a grocery checkout newsstand without seeing. Yeah, I'm an idiot.

But seriously, look at these pictures.














She could totally be a little boy! The androgynous haircut, the black baggy shirt with graffiti on it. Do you blame me for being confused? I blame all the parents that let their boys grow their hair long. It's their fault no one can tell a boy from a girl anymore.

Has this ever happened to you? Have you ever been confused about the gender of a person? Did it lead to an embarrassing story? Please share!

New Tricks

So here are a few of Baby's new tricks. The other day I turned around and caught my baby doing this:



Oh my goodness!! When did my kid become a climber? Well, now her high chair looks like this:


I love that our high chair will do that!! And now that it's so low, she can climb up into it and sit down and look at me expectantly as if to say "um, when is my food coming? I'm in my place and ready. SERVE ME!!" It's just one more way that she doesn't have to speak. She tells me she's hungry by sitting in her chair. She's never going to speak. I've just accepted it.














And this is my favorite blue plate special. Cookin' up a mean slice of Bibi pie. Yum yum!!
















And just for kicks, here is a video of her trying to diaper her osito. I think I should put her on diaper duty for herself. She looks like she has some skillz!

Book Bored

I have 15 books on hold at my library. Only problem? I'm not first in line for any of them!! So out of the 15 books I want to read, none are available! So upsetting. I'm book bored.

Whatever, moving on. My daughter is adorable. When you go in her room first thing in the morning, this is what she does:



She just wants to hand you her 3 blankets and 4 peluches. EVERY DAY. She's like "Thanks for coming to see me today. I will be playing with this, and this and this. Please carry it for me. That will do."

(The best part of that video is her hair sticking up on the side. Freaking awesome)

Also, she tries to put a diaper on the osito. Marcelo saw it the first time on Tuesday. My child is amazingly cute. She lays it down, on the ground or the couch, lays out the diaper, and wraps it around. ARRGH!! Her cuteness makes me want to stab myself! I'm trying to get a video of it too. But she has a radar so she'll stop immediately when she sees you try to get it on camera.

And finally, she's basically a mute. I mean she babbles all the time, but no words at all. NOTHING. She's even regressed and is no longer saying "Raya" or "gracias" or "mama". She's totally a mute. She clearly understands me. I can ask for something by name, and she will pick it out of a group of things and bring it to me. So she understands, but chooses not to talk.

Sometimes she communicates in other ways. When she wants to go outside, she brings me my shoes, her shoes, and then my pants. (yes, I'm usually pants-less around the house) She's clearly stating she wants to go outside and walk with Raya. So communication is very non-verbal. Lots of pointing and bringing of things. And when she wants me to sing "Dos Manitos" she waves her fingers in a certain way.

But seriously? 16 months and no words? When should I start to see a specialist about this?

Or this:



I don't think it's good when your child prefers spinning to eating cake batter off a beater. There is something wrong with her mind if that's the case.

Book Review:The Secret Life of Bees

The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd


My rating: 3 of 5 stars
SPOILER ALERT! Thank heavens no one died! I hate stories about the south/civil rights/race relations because you KNOW there will be injustice and most likely an innocent black man/boy/girl/child will die. And I really can't handle any more of those stories.

Luckily this didn't have that. It didn't really have much of anything else, either. I mean, for the fact that it was on the best-seller's list and then got made into a movie, I thought it was going to be outstanding. I give it a one-shouldered shrug.

However, reading this I've discovered that I'm destined to live in the south. Reasons? #1)I love cornbread. I know this is a huge stereotype. But I do love it. #2) I love things made with and cooked in fat/lard. And that's where all the flavor is. Am I right or am I right, Lynn? And #3) I like saying "Sir" and "ma'am". I'm not consistent, but I do like saying it. And I want my daughter to say it.

Anyway, the book was a snooze, but the cornbread I'm currently eating is delicious!!

Book Review: The Devil in the White City: Murder, Magic, and Madness at the Fair that Changed America

The Devil in the White City: Murder, Magic, and Madness at the Fair that Changed America by Erik Larson


My rating: 4 of 5 stars
This book was like 2 or 3 stories put into one. I don't think the title was very descriptive. A better title would've been "Chicago's White City: The World's Fair that was Almost a Disaster, and the Men Who Made a Miracle Happen. . . Oh Yeah and There was a Psycho who Killed People Right Around the Same Time who Lived Right Next Door."

Yes, I like my title better.

I did like the talk about the world's fair. It's amazing that back in 1891 they would tell Chicago that they could have a world's fair and that it should be up and ready to go in 26 months. It's like the Olympics!! they needed years to plan and build. The story of how these men came together and fought through red tape to make it happen is crazy. The story of the Ferris Wheel is mind-boggling. Just trying to imagine how big it really was that each car could hold 100 people and there were 36 cars each! And how they fired it up the first time bolts and screw were popping off and falling down to the ground. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!? It's awesome

The parts about the "Devil" are heartbreaking. How was it possible that women could just disappear? I mean, he was like the CENTER POINT for all these women leaving, the last to see them alive, and yet he could convince their fathers, brothers, wives, etc that the women had just traveled away and would come back. Talk about less effective police work!

I gave this book 4 stars because it kept me interested. Even though it felt like there were 3 stories meshed into 1, each one of the stories was interesting, captivating and could've stood on it's own.