Highway 101

You know those posts where the person writes 99 things about themselves? I can fill out those things in like 12 minutes. I think it's because I'm crazy. Oh, and because I don't mind sharing things about myself. Like I'm not ashamed to admit that I've never been asked out on a date in my whole life. Ever.

I also don't have to think long about the things I put in here. I just throw them out. I don't need to look for the most "impressive" things about myself. I don't get how people are like "I can't think of anything." Unless you are Melanie, who is the most humble person in the world. And then she has her husband go and do it for her. (Her husband is amazing to do that for her, by the way)

If I like this post, I think I'll do "99 things about Reagan & Judd." I can lay out all of our embarrassing stories and make you guys wish you were their best friends too.

Anyway, I decided to do a post about Eureka. 101 Things about Eureka. And why 101? Well, cause. . .

1. Eureka, CA is located on Highway 101

2. There is no way to avoid my town if you travel from San Francisco to Oregon

3. I've lost count of how many movies have been made in my town.

4. Some of the more well known movies that were made here are: Outbreak, The Lost World, and Return of the Jedi.

5. Eureka High School has one of the most unique mascots ever: The Loggers

6. I used to think it was so cool that I had a mascot so different from every other school. Your school had a panther, or a tiger or a moose for a mascot. Super lame and super generic. But we got a super unique LOGGER. chop chop.

7. I also loved my school colors: Red and Green. People always say, "like Christmas" but I say, "No, like a Redwood Tree".

8. Most people think that California stops with San Francisco.

9. When I tell them that I live 5 hours north of S.F. and still 1 hour from the Oregon border, they say, "I didn't think that you could still be in California 5 hours north of San Francisco.

10. I look at these people and try to tell them with my eyes how dumb I think they are. Because if you look on a map, San Fran is so obviously located in the center of the state. Why would you think that that's the top? Dummy

11. The average high temp is 64 degrees

12. The average low is 52

13. The RECORD HIGH for this time of year is 74 degrees.

14. That's the way it is almost every day of the year.

15. You almost always need a sweatshirt, but you almost never need a thick thermal jacket. This is the way it will be year round.

16. It's currently 57 degrees inside my house. I'm not joking when I say that.

17. I love curling up under multiple blankets and watching TV or listening to music or just talking to my family members in our house.You always should have a blanket in Eureka

18. My house almost always smells like damp wood. It can't help it. There is so much moisture in the air.

19. The smells of Eureka make me so nostalgic.

20. Everywhere you go it smells like the ocean, salt, trees, earth and rain and running water.

21. I want to bottle up the smells and sell them as perfume. . .Like that Seinfeld episode.

22. Going to high school in Eureka could be hard if you didn't grow up here. People tend to be cliquey.

23. I moved here when I was 13, just about to start the 8th grade. People were pretty accepting to me, but that's because I played sports and because I had been visiting here since I was born. But not everyone was that lucky.

24. There is a lot of Marijuana in Eureka.

25. My mom just told me today that if you have a "215" card, you are allowed to have THREE POUNDS of pot in your possession. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? Do you know how much that is? I mean, pot is a plant, and when it dries it weighs almost nothing. Three pounds is enough to fill a small suitcase.

26. I could see the Ocean from the windows of my High School

27. My high school had amazing English program. I mean, the other classes were good too, but the English program was by far the best.

28. I read more classics in H.S. then I think the normal person reads. And the English teachers were always voted the "Most Popular" teachers

29. This doesn't have to do with Eureka, but I want to tell this one story. One thing I didn't read was anything by George Eliot. And when I went to college Mindy would always ask me if I had read "The Mill on the Floss" and I would always ask her if she had read "Catch-22". Anyway, we would always answer no to the other person's question. Anyway, when she would ask if I had read any George Eliot I would ALWAYS answer her "George Eliot? I LOVE HIM!!" To which she would always tell me that George Eliot was a girl. And I would always tell her that I knew that, and I was just kidding. And then she would forget and I would get to pull the same joke on her 3 months later. I think I did this gag at least 3-4 different times. It never got old (in my mind, anyway)

30. Eureka isn't a great sports school. It's decent, but it's not the clear cut leader of the northcoast.

31. You wouldn't know that talking to people around here.

32. Most people are obsessed with sports, especially football. Which reminds me of BYU fans and their crazy devotion.

33. For some reason, the people in Eureka always have really nice cars. They may not have good jobs, but they have great cars.

34. There are several different "burbs" in Eureka. Some of the most notable are Cutten, Henderson Center, Myrtle Town and Old Town. I live in Henderson Center.

35. Eureka is really behind on some things and really ahead on others: it's really behind on technology. We just recently got a national cell company. Until then it was just a local company and you would have to pay for roaming charges if you went 20 miles away from the center of town.

36. However it's really ahead on things like recycling and waste management. I have no idea where to go to recycle things in Utah. But I can name three recycling centers within a few miles of my house in Eureka. And it's been like that for 15 years.

37. All the beaches are cold.

38. The water is cold. You need to wear a wetsuit all the time in it.

39. There is a great white shark that patrols off the beach at moonstone.

40. Surfers try to avoid it.

41. The surfers all are crazy. I think they are smoking 1 pound of their pot before they go out there.

42. The pulp mill off of the North Jetty puts out a smelly gas. It smells like farts sometimes.

43. It's really great to suck in smelly pulp mill farts as you are jogging around outside on the track.

44. Eureka High has an open lunch policy. You can go anywhere for lunch as long as you make it back before the next class starts.

45. All schools in our school district have what is called "snack break." It's a 15 minute break between 2nd and 3rd periods.

46. Kids would use this time to go off campus and smoke, drink or do drugs.

47. Teachers too sometimes

48. Eureka High School has hardwood floors in every room, redwood banisters and a massive auditorium with great acoustics.

49. The exterior of EHS is beautiful and very ornate. See? It makes me happy to drive by it

50. If you were wondering why there are so many "Eureka High" based things on this list, it's because I'm back here for my 1o year class reunion. Just in case you cared.

51. There are actually 2 high schools in Eureka. One is called "Zoe Barnum" and it's an "alternative" H.S. Like you can totally screw off for a couple of years and then go to Zoe (Pronounced "Zoh" not "Zo-ee") and then you can make up 2 years in 1 year. If you do that, you can still graduate with your class.

52. The Zoe Kids are scary. I try to avoid them. Plus, only 20% of them actually go back to regular high school. Most of them just get their GED and start to work for Carl's Jr. right away.

53. Eureka High has a great Powder Puff game every year. Legendary even.

54. The Juniors play the Seniors and it ALWAYS gets nasty. It doesn't matter what happens before that, but on the playing field you are enemies.

55. When I was a Junior, there were lots of athletic people in my class, and we kicked the Seniors ALL OVER the field. They were SOOOOO mad at us.

56. Oh yeah, choosing a mascot for our P.P. team was a nightmare. The administration vetoed all our ideas. We ended up having to go with "Iron Maidens." Which now that I think about it is pretty cool.

57. Boys are the cheerleaders for the game. They dress in drag and usually have their balls hanging out sometime during the evening. Sometimes boys get suspended for their actions/moves on the cheer squad. It's hilarious.

58. So back to #55, The Seniors (who were the class of '97) had this AMAZING money making fundraiser. It was the sale of Christmas trees. They made so much money the 3 years that they did it, that they were able to take the whole class to the water slide park in Redding (3 hours away) for the senior trip. We went to a local park for ours. Anyway, when it was time to give the Christmas tree program to another class they *should've* given it to us because we desperately needed the money. But they were still mad about the powder puff thing and gave it to the sophomores. Bastards.

59. In my house in Eureka, there is a white board to write down messages. My father would routinely take the marker and write on the walls ABOVE the board or to the side of it. It really makes me mad. I've noticed there are still some numbers on the wall here in our house that haven't been cleaned yet.

60. There is a street in Eureka called "Bhuner". It's pronounced "Boone" but I always call it "Boner" to be crass and inappropriate.

61. Berries are everywhere. Not only are there Blackberries, but there are also marion berries, thimble berries, huckleberries. There is a feast all around you.

62. The Loleta Cheese Factory makes the best cheese curds in the world. They also have a big window where you can see the cheese being made. It's just like watching an episode of "Unwrapped" on the Food Network

63. Admission to the Sequoia Zoo in Eureka is Free

64. Up until very recently, the Sequoia Zoo was home to the worlds second oldest Chimpanzee. His name was Bill

65. Bill would throw poo at you through the bars in his cage. If you see his arm raise, he's not waiving hello at you. STAY BACK.

66. Right behind the zoo is a mini-redwood forrest. You can go hiking there, pick berries and just enjoy the smells of the damp earth

67. To get to the full redwood forrest you need to drive either 20 min north or 20 min south of my town. I prefer to go north. Because Trinidad is north and so are most of the good beaches too.

68. I do not like the beach

69. Whenever I go to the beach, I usually end up with sand in my underwear, hair, ears eyes and mouth. It doesn't matter if I just stand there and do nothing. I will get sand in my underwear.

70. Whenever you go to the beach here, you MUST have a bonfire.

71. No one wears a bathing suit at the beach. Instead you cover up with layers and layers of sweatshirts, pants, hats, etc.

72. Fort Humboldt in my town was once visited by Ulysses Grant.

73. Eureka has houses dating back to the mid 1800's

74. The town was founded during a logging boom here on the north coast. That's when my great-great grandparents came.

75. They came from Scandinavian. Johnson is their name. Do you get any more Scandinavian then that?

76. Our current home is the home that my mother grew up in

77. It's much nicer now then when she lived here.

78. This house had only 1 bathroom for over 70 years.

79. Sunday mornings were a nightmare. 7 people all trying to take a shower before 9 am church. I never got to take a shower alone.

80. Eureka is historically protected from most of the politics and influences of California by what we call "The Redwood Curtain"

81. In the winter you can go 45 minutes and get to the snow

82. In the summer you can go 45 min and get to the HOT HOT HEAT.

83. My brother and his wife always forget how cold it is here and always have to buy more sweatshirts for their kids while they are here.

84. I have never had seafood any better then when in Eureka

85. I have gone clamming in the slough, crabbing in the bay and salmon fishing in the ocean. The ocean is full of good stuff ready to be eaten.

86. Eureka has the best dungenous crabs. I don't think I spelled that correctly.

87. Most houses in Eureka have mold in them

88. There are seagulls everywhere in my town.

89. The birds were trained like Pavlov's dog: When the bell would ring to signal 5 minutes to get to class, the birds would start to circle in anticipation of gobbling up all the food the kids had left behind. If you were late getting to glass the birds would dive bomb you and you would probably get pooped on.

90. Los Bagels is the best Mexican based store selling Jewish foods in the world. It has everything: Challahs and pan de muertos. Kinishes and conchas. Bolillos and menorahs. You have to visit it and have some pesto.

91. Los Bagels is closed on Tuesdays. I can't tell you how many times that burned me on my lunch break and I had to scramble to get lunch somewhere else.

92. Eureka has the best Chinese Food ever.

93. Also there is an amazing bakery 2 blocks from my house.

94. don't forget about the great BBQ place. I had ribs for dinner last night. I'm still tasting the sauce on my lips. (It's no wonder I have such a hard time losing weight when I'm here.)

95. At my Jr. High you weren't allowed to walk on the grass

96. My Jr. High didn't have a cafeteria. Just 2 "snack food" windows.

97. I want everyone to come here and pick blackberries with me one day

98. I wish I could've seen and lived here during the late 1800's and early 1900's. I bet it was so beautiful.

99. I was lucky enough to have great friends growing up so I stayed pretty clear of the bad stuff that is so prevalent. I never drank, smoked or snorted anything. I'm sure I'm one of the only ones.

100. Eureka is not a great place to raise kids.

101. But Eureka is a great place to live after your kids are grown.

Mercenaries 2

Have you seen this new ad on TV? Oh my gosh I could watch it all day: (By the way, the "warning" at the beginning is for the video game, not for the song. Just in case you were wary of watching it)

Have you seen this new ad on TV? Oh my gosh I could watch it all day:



My fav is when his voice goes up right at the end of a stanza. "You will do the dance of sorr-ROWW"

This is the full song but you can find the other 30 second commercial version too. I just think the whole song is better.

Please tell me you love this as much as me.

Jesse

Jesse is our family dog. He's a good dog. He's about a million years old. Just kidding. (Sort of) He'll be turning 14 this Christmas. He's still as crazy as the day we got him. For some reason, we get cockers. Our last 2 dogs have been cockers and blond cockers at that. But Jesse is crazier then all of them.

He loves his ball. Tennis balls will do, but he especially loves his Kong. It bounces everywhere when you throw it on the ground. He tweaks out when you throw it and it goes everywhere. The funny thing is that he still pretends he's a puppy. He leaps in the air and twists to get it. But after one jump he has to sit down cause it's just too much work for his old fat body.

But back to the ball: It's super bouncy so it springs back when he bites it. This is what a Kong looks like and what Jesse looks like with his baby:

Here he is waiting for me to throw the ball. And what he looks like when he gets desperate. He howls this really cute way. Adorable.

And here he is just chewing on his ball. He can just lay there for hours and chew on it rhythmically like that. It makes me smile.

However, what is NOT funny is his affection for clothes. Not just any set of clothes. We are talking stinky, smelly, crotch sweaty, armpit stained dirty clothes. THOSE are what he loves and craves. He seeks them out. And if given a chance, he'll pounce on them and eat them. Yes, he will eat right through them. Please see Exhibit "A":

In our haste to get the baby in the bath and then to bed, we made the mistake of leaving this on the couch. He snatched it up very quickly and made short work of it. Honestly, I didn't love the color of this outfit, but I loved everything else about it. It was warm and of the best quality (this is the Laura Ashley outfit, remember?) And look where he ate it. RIGHT where she threw up on it. On the arm where she sucks her hand, and on the collar where she spits up. This outfit went in the trash.

I was so upset and have been so careful to keep the dog out of places where I am. Or to pick up my clothes (And Evi's Clothes) quickly. But I'm not used to it. So sometimes I forget. See Exhibit "B":

UGH! I was so upset with this!! Melanie & Shar gave this to me along with some CRAZY adorable striped pants that match. I was so upset about this because it was my fault!! I knew better!! How could I be so stupid? However, it was just the arms. (He literally was alone for 30 seconds. How could he do this much damage in 30 seconds?) And I talked to my mom and we are going to turn this into a short sleeve shirt and re-use the cuff links. So this one can be saved.


Exhibit "C" I don't have a picture. It's my own garments. The damage is much smaller then the other two. But mostly because he only had 15 seconds this time. It's in the left armpit. I think I'm going to have to throw those away. I promise you there will be no more exhibits. I'm going to be vigilant.


But I do love Jesse. My mom got him in the divorce. She joked that he came with the house. So when she got the house, she got the dog too. I think she loves him as much as we do. It will be sad when he dies. But at the rate he's going, that won't be for a very long time.

Book Review-Lolita

I wish that I were on better terms with the people from my office. Well, not all of them. Mostly just Matt. See, Dan never made any secret about the fact that the assistants were "less" then him. We were there to do his bidding, and he was upset when we didn't jump when he called. I remember one instance where I was doing something for Jean on another office computer because my computer was not working. She had a client there and was shouting things at me to put on an addendum that I was creating.

All of a sudden, Dan walks in with a client and is like "you need to move. I need to write an offer with my client." And I flat out said NO. I said I'm sorry, but no, I'm doing something for Jean and I'll be done in a minute. He was baffled. His client was standing right there. HOW DARE I!? He said to me, "I have a client right here, and I need to write and offer NOW. You need to give me the computer." And I said, "I'm sorry, but Jean is in the other room with a client as well. She is shouting things at me. Can you hear her? I'll be done in just a minute"

Well, he later complained to Jean that I was RUDE to him in front of a client. Jean actually brought it up to me to tell me how I was a bad person. And I told her that I would do it again if given the chance. Because I would rather have Dan mad at me then Jean. Basically, he was upset that I said no to him AND in front of a client. He thought that he would walk in and boss me around and show his client what a big wang he has. He was wrong. I cock blocked him and he was pissed. That's just a little example of how he didn't respect me and how he thought I was there to be bossed around.

So that's how Dan thinks of us assistants. And you all know how Jean feels about assistants: Disposable. Once she gets tired/upset with you over some imagined wrong you have done to her you are on her s*** list and on your way out. But Matt was never like that. Matt was usually very respectful to the assistants. He would thank us for things that we did. He wouldn't assume we were there to serve him. He was pretty nice.

I actually considered him a friend. I should've realized that his ties were much stronger to Jean then to me. Even though she talks about him behind his back and tells people private things about his life, he still feels tied to her. Maybe he doesn't know she does this, but I'm sure he suspects it. I mean, she does it to everyone else, why would he be any different?

Anyway, this little trip down nausea lane was with the point of saying this: I'm sad I'm still not friends with Matt. Matt and I would talk about books all the time. One of his wife's favorite authors was Marquez, who is my favorite author. And for the longest time he kept trying to get me to read Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov. I wanted to read it, but I never got around to it. (And I wasn't going to read it until I finished 100 Years of Solitude). But then at the library I stumbled upon it and decided now was the time to read it.

I SHOULD'VE READ IT YEARS AGO!!!! This book is amazing. Breathtaking even. See Nabokov (as you might have guessed) is Russian. And English is his third language, after Russian and French, but he wrote this book all in English. And it's AMAZING. I can't gush enough about how much I loved this book.

Let me tell you right off, the book is not for casual readers. You must be invested. And you should know what it's about: a pedophile. See the narrator is a man in his late 30's (nearly 40) who falls in love with and has a relationship with a 12 year old girl. Yeah, like I said, it's not for casual readers. H.H. (the narrator calls himself. Short for Humbert Humbert) has always had a thing for little girls. He calls them "nymphets" and he seeks them out. Usually it was just to look at them, dream about them, imagine what they would look like up close. But then he becomes a border at a house where a woman has this daughter. Her name is Dolores. Or Dolly. Or Lo. Or Lolita.

And he's obsessed with her. He dreams about her and spending his life with her and how she would make him so happy. But her mom is always around (GOOD FOR YOU, MOM!!!) and so he can hardly ever talk to her. After a series of strange/tragic/funny/impractical and yet shocking events happen, her mom is out of the picture and they are all alone in the world. That's where it gets bad.

You should know this book is not vulgar in the general sense of the word. There are no graphic words, no horrible language depicting lurid acts. But the acts are there, and the way he alludes to them makes it clear what he's trying to tell you. And then you realize what has just happened, and you are appalled. They are horrible things, but Nabokov just puts it so dang beautifully! Dang him and his genius of prose. Anyway, back to H.H. The fact that he rationalizes his actions and thinks that they have a RELATIONSHIP shows just how delusional he really is.

But this book is BEAUTIFUL. I cannot gush enough about how much I loved it. How much I loved the language, the style, the humor. It really is a funny book. I laughed out loud several times especially at the end. The end is especially funny. But I keep coming back to the language. It's so amazing. And again, knowing that he wrote it in his THIRD language is so crazy. I mean, I don't think half of the writers these days could write a sentence HALF as beautiful as him, and they have lived here all their lives.

I think that this is a great American novel. Which is funny because back in the mid 1950's when it was written one publisher wouldn't publish it because he said it was "anti-American." Uh, are you crazy? Almost 50% of the book talks about the different sites and scenes of the America few people know. It is brilliant in every way.

Let me just give you a little example of the style of Nabokov's writing: "A thunderstorm accompanied me most of the way back to Grimm Road, but when I reached Pavor Manor, the sun was visible again, burning like a man, and the birds screamed in the drenched and steaming trees."

HOLY CRAP!! HOW DO YOU COME UP WITH THAT STUFF??? Just gorgeous. I think everyone needs to read this book. Especially if you love writing, and you want to learn how to be a better writer. This book is the Mecca of writing.

So anyway, I loved this book. Go read it. It's for everyone. As a matter of fact, as I was in the car coming back from our cabin, my mom asked me about it, and I told her the premise. I was about 75 pages from the end, and she wanted to read it with me. We read it out loud all the way home and then she HID it from me so I couldn't find it and read the end without her. Now THAT is dedication to a book. And you know what? My mom is a total prude. If she loved it that much, then I'm sure you will too.

It's just too bad Matt and I can't talk about it.

Eureka

I am currently sitting in the kitchen of my youth, with every part of my body freezing. See, I'm from Eureka, CA and there is only one way to describe the North Coast: COLD. Current Temp outside: 54 degrees. And the high is only expected to go to 62. That is it is every day of the year. It really doesn't get any colder than that, nor does it get any hotter. (It does however get rainier)

Many people know my aversion to the cold. However, for some reason I still love Eureka. I love the smell of Eureka most of all. It smells like the ocean, salt water, wind, fresh bread, fish. I love it so much. I just roll down the window and breathe and breathe and then roll it up quickly so i don't freeze.

I love sleeping with three quilts on my bed and having all that weight on me and waking up all snuggled up. I love steaming cups of hot chocolate, lighting a fire in our den and watching TV with my baby curled up by me. I love going for walks and getting damp in the mist and walking through the Redwood Forrest and jumping around on the springy earth. I really love Eureka.

I do NOT love my mom's house. First off, it's old. It was built in the 1930's, and when all the other houses of that era were getting updated and getting bathrooms upstairs, I had a father who didn't want to do that and so I grew up in a nasty house. 4 bedrooms, ONE bathroom. Sunday morning before church was a joke. Literally a horrible horrible joke where the punchline is that there are 3 people crammed into the shower together all trying to wash their hair without crashing into the person next to them.

Second: There is a funny smell at my mom's house. I think it's all the wood. Wood absorbs smells, and it's hard to get them out. Also, there is lots of moisture here, so it smells like damp, stinky wood almost everywhere. She got rid of the carpets and re-did the hardwood floors. But the slight smell still lingers. I don't know how to get rid of it. I don't know if it can be done.

Third: My mom has a giant house to clean all by herself. She is living alone now, for the most part. Her sister + husband are here lots, and they don't do anything to make the place cleaner. They leave their messes everywhere, and then my mom has to come home from work and decide whether or not she wants to clean them. Basically, if my mom had a fully cleaned house it would never get dirty. She's at work all day, comes home, eats a little food, and then is of to walk the dog. So when others come and leave messes, she won't clean them up. (And why should she? She was working all day and she didn't make the mess) Anyway, because she's almost never here, she really doesn't care what it looks like.

But I do care. I have to be here for the next 2 weeks, so you'd better be sure that I'm going to clean it. (which is what I should be doing now because my baby is still asleep at 9:44 am)

Finally, I have a problem. I forgot to bring warm pants/PJ pants. I'm used to sleeping in my chones. I mean I do have warm fleece PJ's, but I just forgot them back in Utah. So I'm freezing once I get out of bed. I also forgot a SWEATSHIRT!!! I'm not going to be able to last too long without that.

Luckily, I brought plenty of warm stuff for Evi. She's going to be bundled up all the time and I'm so excited to put on this ADORABLE outfit that Melanie got me. But as for me? I'm in trouble. Serious butt freezing trouble. But at least I'm in Eureka!!

Book Review-In Her Shoes

This book was like a chick flick in 500 pages. Actually I guess they DID make a move out of it. I'm sure it was a chick flick. (I didn't see it. But now I'm kinda tempted to. I want to know if it's better then the book) Let's see if it contains all the necessary elements of a chick flick:

* Lots of talk about ridiculously expensive shoes? Check
* An estranged grandmother who sends birthday cards that a parent hides because they think it will be "best" for the kids. And then one of the kids find them hidden in a shoe box in the closet (of course) and then she confronts the parent about how he hid them from her and there is a sappy crying scene. Check
* Someone has a boyfriend that cheats on her. Check
* The protagonist dumps the cheating boyfriend and then finds her "prince charming" who she knew all along, but overlooked him because she was all caught up with the sleazy cheating boyfriend: Check
* There is a wedding. Check

Now as you read those details about this book, couldn't you have replaced the title "In Her Shoes" with any other generic chick flick book. (I know that the work FLICK means movie, but you know what I mean)

I found the book enjoyable enough. I went through it in 2 days, it was like cotton candy. I didn't like how things were all tidied up in the end. Like a girl has had a learning disability for 28 years and then all of a sudden she sneaks into a few classes at Princeton and now she can read and recited poems like a freaking master.

And one sister steals another sister's boyfriend and that sister walks in on them . . um. . doing stuff and then in a few months all is resolved, and they are happy with each other again. Tra-la-larita-la.

And they are all happy at the end, one big happy family with a big white wedding dress that somehow amazingly makes her size 14 body look like a size 6. It was just to NEAT and clean for me. Not enough angst. Not enough tragedy.

Maybe I have been reading too much Ian McEwan and too much Marquez, but this one just felt so contrived and just too fluffy. It didn't make me want to change my life and it didn't make any smarter after I finished it. It almost felt like it was insulting my intelligence. Like it thought that I couldn't understand more complex or deeper issues to it had to spell them out for me really slow like and keep it simple. I wanted to say, "I can take it, you can delve a little deeper. I swear, I'll follow you."

There were some enjoyable parts. Rose is a lawyer and someone tries to tell her a dumb lawyer joke and she plays dumb. She says, "What? I don't get it. Say it again. Are you sure you have the joke right?" and the guy feels dumb and starts to talk away and she shouts after him "wait, you can't go yet!! you have to finish explaining the joke to me!!" Hilarious.

So if you want some fluffy reading that won't stay with you after you close the book, definitely pick this one up.

Jam

Did you guys see that episode of Friends where Joey is obsessed with Jam? Here is a little clip to remind you.



That's EXACTLY how I feel about jam too. NO KIDDING. I love jam. And my mom makes the best jam in the whole world. It's Blackberry and the berries are fresh. Usually picked that day. Whatever we didn't use in a cobbler or in a pie we make into jam. See, I'm from the Pacific Northwest and blackberries basically grow everywhere you look. It can be annoying when you are trying to walk to school and then your jacket is snagged by a blackberry bush. I've lost many an article of clothing that way.

But the nice thing is that there are whole patches where they grow and they are free to the public to go and pick them and eat them. My Grandma's back fence has a sizeable growth and her neighbor's has even more. It's worth every scratch you might get to get those berries.

I had two grandmas named Grandma Bingham and we designated one as the "swimming pool grandma" (because she lived in AZ and had a pool-Duh!) and the "Berry Grandma" because she lived in Eureka with rows of blackberries out back. And when my mom wanted to get rid of us so she could talk to the adults she would ask for some containers and we would go out and pick berries. Truthfully she never had to force us out because we would ask to go out there on our own. And of course OF COURSE the berry picking rule is this: put 1 in the bucket and then put 3-4 in the mouth. So when my mom called us in to show her our "spoils" we had black/purple teeth and tongues and only about 7 berries in the bucket. Good times. No wait, GREAT TIMES!

So back to this Jam that my mom makes: It's heaven. It's so good. The best is on a piece of homemade bread that has been toasted (Holy crap, my mouth literally just watered as I typed that!!) Jules and I would make the toast, and use a SPOON to apply the jam. Why a spoon, you ask? Well, with a knife, you just put the jam on the bread with no fanfare. But with a spoon, you use the back of the spoon to spread it, and then whatever is left over in the concave side of the spoon is yours to lick off. It's the rule.

So you use the spoon for one piece,and then you lick the spoon. And then you use it for the other piece and again, you lick the spoon. (YES, there is double dipping in my house. Wanna make somethin' of it? Fine! you can't have any of my jam!!) And then you stick the spoon back in the jar one more time for good measure and lick the spoon for the last time. You basically aren't making the toast for the bread: it's all about the jam. You need a vessel to bring more jam to your mouth, and a piece of toasted bread is the easiest/most delicious option. Trust me. We've tired many different jam conveyances. Toast is the awesomest.

There has been a line for jam in my house before. If you use the last of the jam and there is no more, expect one or more of your siblings to ask for a "bite" and then chomp off half the piece of toast with the jam. There is no mercy when it comes to blackberry jam. We love the stuff.

So my mom made some Strawberry/Blackberry jam with my nieces and nephews when they were in Eureka the first week of July. (The majority of the blackberries aren't ready until late August, so that's why she had to use some strawberries and couldn't use all blackberries.) Anyway, she makes this jam and brings back 3 jars of it here to Utah. These are not big jars. These are like 1 1/2 cup jars. What is that? like 250 mL? Anyway, they are not big. She had one for Marcelo and I , one for Jacob and one for Nate/Denisse. She didn't get Julie and jam because she didn't have enough, and she figured that Julie was going to Thailand and wouldn't use the jam up before she went. I think mom forgot about our devotion to jam. But oh well.

So she SAYS she loves all her kids equally, but apparently when that love is translated into jam, one person is left out. But Julie went to Thailand and I don't think she was none the wiser about the jam. So my house has 3 jars of jam. Mom keeps trying to tell me to take the jam to my brothers. She put them on top of the fridge so that they would see it and remember grab it when they left. They didn't. And then we moved. And then Jacob moved to Vernal. And Nathan is a WHOLE CITY AWAY. I didn't know what to do!!

I'm lying, of course. I stole their jam. Maliciously, deliberately, and without regret. I stole it. And Marcelo and I ate nearly 3/4 of a jar of it today on our waffles that we had at 11:00 pm. AND IT WAS WORTH IT!!! Oh man. There is one jar left. The only reason it's still here is because I'm trying to eat less, so I don't have bread in the house anymore. If there were a slice of bred here, you'd better believe it would' have jam on it in an instant.

When I go to Eureka this week, I'm so excited for the berries and the berry jam. I might even make enough for some SPECIAL people to try. Then again, I might just eat it all myself. We'll see.

P.S. How many times did I use the word jam in thins post? Holy crap, I think I like jam a little TOO much!!