Seriously? THE VERY SAME DAY?

So growing up watching Disney movies, I'm sure all of you will agree with me that "16" was that super magical age where it was ok to get married. Why does Disney perpetuate this lie that you are somehow an adult at 16? Ariel, Brier Rose, Jasmine are just a few of the girls I can think of off the top of my head that found their true love and got married when they were 16. (Well, maybe Ariel is justified. Who knows the life span of a mermaid. She could've been middle aged for all we know!)

Why would their parent's agree to this? Did they think that Medieval Europe was the best place to get married and have a baby right off? Didn't they know the death rate for childbirth? And the fact that they are a princess doesn't make life any easier. I mean half the time these people have to go through HORRIBLE life-endangering escapades to even be with their significant other. Obviously those were hard times, so why the need to get married so quickly?

But there is one story that has started to really bug me lately. And it comes from my favorite Disney movie. That's right. Sleeping Beauty. Let's go through the story:


1) Parents DESPERATELY want to have a child

2) Parents have child!! (hooray!!) But evil fairy comes and puts a spell on her that she will DIE before end of day of her 16th birthday.

3) Good fairy says "I'll fix it!! I mean I can't stop this, but I can make it better. Let's see, what can I do? Oh, I know! She will only sleep till her true love kisses her." Um fairy? I don't know where you are getting your facts, but that IS "stopping" her from dying. Staying alive till someone kisses you is the very opposite of dying.

And that whole true love kiss thing? That's the best you can do? Why not "Oh, she won't die, She'll just sleep until 3 pm the next day, then she'll wake up and everything will be fine". Or how about "she'll prick her finger, but she won't die. However, that one finger will be rendered totally useless. Better to lose a finger then your life!! Am I right Flora & Fauna? HOLLA!!" I mean if Merriweather can stop her from dying why muck it up with a qualifier? Moving on.

4) Parents, upon hearing the dreaded news that their kid will probably die (or have something else dastardly happen to her in less then 16 years), SEND HER AWAY. I don't know about you, but if I was told the exact day of my child's death and that I most likely will only have 16 years with my precious daughter that I cherish and worked so hard and waited so long to have, I wouldn't send her away at the first time of trouble. If anything I would keep her close, hug her tight, tell her I love her every moment of every day.

And then on the day of her birthday, instead of throwing her some "Super Sweet Sixteen" bash at Jay-Z's club in NY with 450 guest and giving her a Bentley, I would watch her closely and maybe put one of those leashes on her that parents use for their toddlers. So if she's anywhere near the spindle of a spinning wheel, I am too. But that's just me.

5) Parent's aren't smart, they send her away with the fairies to raise her. They get to see her first steps, hear her first words. Man, that would piss me off as a parent that someone else was doing that with MY kid! Especially when I am fully capable of doing it myself! And I've wanted to do it for so long! That would seriously rub me raw.

6) The ALL IMPORTANT 16th BIRTHDAY moment arrives. The fairies know some bad crap might go down. I mean, they were there when the curse was spoken, right? So I'm sure they have her on a toddler leash, right? NO!! THE SEND HER OFF TO THE FORREST UNSUPERVISED!!! We all know the Forrest has bears, and foxes in grandmother's clothing and strange men who are actually princes. Why would you send her off on that day, of ALL DAYS? Seriously? Did you guys even GO to Fairy University? Or did you just get a degree and a magic wand in the mail by correspondence courses?

7) Barely 16 year old girl of course "falls in love" with prince. Never mind it's the first guy she's ever seen. Never mind that she has no idea what marriage is (she was raised by 3 chicks, remember?) never mind she has no idea what a normal family is, she is GONE for this guy. Commence singing, dancing, gazing and sighing. AHhhhhhh.

8) Blah blah blah pricks finger, asleep.

9) Blah Blah Blah Prince rescues her, kisses her, all is right again.

10) The finale: Everyone is anticipating her return to the castle. This is it!! Especially her dearly loving and devoted parents. Remember, they don't know her. She's been hidden from them for a long time for her protection. She's been gone 16 years, but now that the curse is over, her life can go on as normal!!

Her parents are thinking, "She can live with us and we can have the life we missed out on!! She can learn Spanish and go backpacking through Europe and get some normal friends that don't have wings and be irresponsible with her text messages and max out a credit card and live the life that she was sheltered from all those years because she might've been. . . . WHAT? SHE'S ENGAGED?!?!? SHE'S GETTING MARRIED?? SHE'S GOING OFF TO BE WITH SOMEONE ELSE?? WHAT THE &%*#@*& ?!?!?!?!"

That's what I would've said if I were her parents. I would NOT have stood around and watched her dance around with some bozo she only met YESTERDAY. That's right, don't forget she met him less then 24 hours ago and they've only talked/sung/danced/sighed for MAYBE 35 mintues. But now he's going to take her away from them? Buddy, you got a dope-slap of reality comming your way, if that were my kid. Seriously, you take her away from them VERY SAME DAY THEY GET HER BACK? Back it up, son. You need to step away from the 16 year old and go take a cold shower.

So the moral of the story is, maybe Disney movies AREN'T all fun and lollipops. Especially not for the parents.

P.S. I love Sleeping Beauty and fully intend on letting my kid see it. I just wanted to make fun of it for a little while.