I have a lobster. Everyone knows about that episode of “Friends” when Ross tells Rachel that they will eventually end up together, because she is his lobster. He says when they are old they will walk around the tank holding claws. Maybe you think that my husband is my lobster. You are wrong.
Judd is my lobster. For those of you who don’t know who Judd is, she’s my favorite companion from my mission. It only took Judd and I about 3 seconds to realize that we were lobsters. And I miss her terribly. I’m really mad at myself that the last time I saw here was in the middle of the summer and it was only for about 2 hours. I’ve needed to go down and visit her and her little girl for about 2 and one half years. I’m a bad lobster.
So I would like to publicly apologize to my lobster. I am sorry it’s been so long since we’ve really gotten to spend time together and laugh until I pee my pants. No joke, one time she made me pee my pants TWICE in 20 minutes. I don’t think she ever knew that. But I had to run into our second bedroom/giant walk-in closet and change my chones, and then 20 min later, I had to do it all over again. I didn’t want to tell her, because my lobster is the cleanest person I know.
She would probably throw up and then never speak to me again. And you should you know that she hasn’t thrown up since she was 8 years old. So Judd, please forgive me. I just sang that last line to you, in the immortal music of Bryan Adams, so you know how serious I am.
I have another confession to make. My friend Reagan is my second crustacean. (She actually has a lobster bag that I covet, but that is neither here nor there) I am actually terrified of Judd and Reagan every meeting each other, because they would immediately recognize a kindred soul in each other and kick me out so they can walk around the tank together. And they are part of a secret society that I’m dying to join: the Mothers of Adorable Little Girls Club. Someday.
Other things that they have in common with each other but that I don’t have in common with either of them: They love and respect their families. And they are really tight with their families. I don’t have that. Also, they are both stay at home mothers and they live for their kids. I, on the other hand, work for the Devil. BOO. And both of them love me more than I love myself. Well, it feels that way sometimes, anyway. So those are just a few reasons why they can never meet.
Now about my blog. I promise to you, my 3 readers, that I shall always strive for hilarity and not stupidity. That might not always happen, because I love to make fun of myself and I love to laugh, but I’m not always great at narrating hilariously. But I started this blog because I loved Reagan’s blog and I think it’s so freaking awesome. I aspire to its tone of humor without sarcasm or cruelty. There is nothing uglier than that. And I despise anyone making a joke out of someone else’s pain or cruelly pointing out when others are struggling.
Ah, I feel better. Now let me off my soapbox and get back to attempting to be funny. I try.
Mostly unsuccessfully, but at least I’m trying. Usually I forget how funny I am because Marcelo never laughs at my jokes. Like something that will make others howl and pee their pants, he furrows his eyebrows and it makes me feel dumb. So I try to not tell jokes around him and only around people that will think I’m funny.
Entonces, voy a contar de mi reunión familiar durante el tiempo del Día de Gracia. Tuvimos 19 personas en mi casa y 5 perros. 3 fueron perritos, y no sabían como esperar para ir afuera al baño Entonces Marcelo tenía mucho miedo y nervios por tanta gente y artos perros. El día Viernes yo hice todo para sugerir que fuimos a un parque para jugar. Fue exitoso. El día pasó sin un accidente de un perrito. Sábado todos vinieron a mi casa nuevamente para despedirse. Mi hermano, su esposa, sus 5 hijos y 3 perros vinieron primero. Marcelo sintió mejor cuando salieron.
Algunas horas después mi hermana, su esposo y sus 3 hijos vinieron para despedirse. Estaba abrazando mi sobrino cuando ¡¡¡vi un montón de pu-pu en mi cocina!!! ¡Era enorme! ¿Quién lo hizo? ¡¡Tuvimos 5 perros in mi casa hace algunas horas a tras!! Y parecía que el perro quien lo hizo fuera infirmo porque el pu-pu no era firme. Parecía liquido. Yo sabia que seria horrible para limpiar.
Entonces yo me puse DOS bolsas plásticas en mi mano para prepararme para limpiarlo. Pero cuando me bajé para limpiarlo, ¡yo me di cuenta que no apestaba! Que raro, pensé. Y cuando lo toque, por fin me realicé que era plástico. Mi cuñado lo hizo como chiste. Y fue un chiste exitoso porque Marcelo casi vomitó al solo verlo. Todos se rieron y nosotros también nos encantó el chiste.
Well, that was my attempt at humor. For those of you who don’t speak Spanish, let me guarantee to you that that story was freaking hilarious.
